I'm really trying to change it, but I can't. sigh. I just can't.
come on. talk to me. make my life easier. if only I could use telepathy. sigh.
cuz when you make your life complicated, you're the only one who can make it simple again. even if you didn't ask for it, you still caused it, and you can't blame anyone, even that person. you just have to accept and, if you hate it, try your VERY HARDEST to stop.
Am I trying to stop or accepting?
it seems a lot like I'm accepting. But if people knew what I'm accepting to, then I would be a total outcast.
even if that doesn't matter as much. I know it would still suck.
Let's recap on people I've told...
1. Joy. I told her even before she was my best friend, before ma and Hanis just .. poofed. because I didn't know if I could tell Hanis. and Joy was really making me feel better, bit by bit, so I told her. and that's what I meant when I posted the picture of our conversation. tell each other everything. I told her everything. I still am telling her everything.
2. Suaidah. I guess it was because she was telling me about how hard it is to be Penolong Ketua kelas of 2B. she was there with me, and then we were busy with the Blue kawad and so she was there, and I can depend on her to be there. so I told her. and apparently, soon after, she told me her secret. It was a little trade, no one tells no one.
3. Lea. I trusted her. I didn't want her to know at first, and we promised each other two years after we'd tell each other the secret we're keeping from each other but apparently I couldn't hold it. she hasn't told me hers. I'm not forcing her to. I know not all secrets can be told. Plus I think she told Ms Foo, and that's a little better than telling a friend, actually.
4. Cynta. We were bonding through Japanese and so I told her. well actually she pretty much figured it out herself but still. I told her. I was so stupid to. Now I know the plan can never go well. Well t can, but a small part of it. A part where she's not needed. it's a mistake to tell her, but through her, I knew a little bit more then I did.
5. Dina. It just came out. another mistake, but I don't think she took it so seriously. plus there was a small lie I inserted into the secret, or at least a part I didn't tell, so I guess she doesn't count.
6. Nurin. She came up with the topic, actually. She told me that Farah Aliah asked her something, which I asked her back, cuz there's a possibility she lied to Faliah, and she did. and so I told her. she was cool with it.
7. Falonnie. She was surprised with it she started asking a million questions about it. I was getting tired and annoyed but soon she just didn't touch on it anymore. but then we went to the library and I was teasing her and she started threatening me. sheesh. but later we got even, she showed me her four ex-boyfriends back in Sabah. three Chinese, one Malay. the Malay one was really cute X) but I don't see why she told me to keep it a secret.
8. Nadhrah. I don't even know why I told her. I guess I just said I was in a big mess that might ruin my whole life mentally and she asked me what. "to die or not to die" was what we were playing. she was giving out a couple of those and I said yes at the correct (well, similar) term. so she started guessing who. she went all "long hair? braces? glasses? pinafore?" and all those. it was fun. and I finally just told her, sort of. she didn't know who it was at first but then. but then.
9. The latest one, Anesha. she was kinda angry, I don't know why, maybe terrified or even sad or annoyed or something. I told her through a paper conversation, and when I gave her the name, I looked at her and she was staring at the name. she was starting an argument but I didn't want anything to spill, so I gave her the paper again and we started discussing about it. she was really angry. she told me to stop, stop. there was even a lol part when she wrote HUGE in her book "FORGET" and I was like, "well it's hard to forget" and Tammy was curious and said "Forgive and Forget :D" and I was like "=.=' there's no forgiving in this matter or forgetting."
and that's it. I cannot tell anyone else. I swear I will NOT tell anyone else. nine is enough. enough. I gotta solve this problem before it gets out of hand. I gotta.