Monday, May 31, 2010

first day hun. never really the best.

so I'm typing on my dad's laptop. first without permission but I guess he finding out and not really minding shouldn't really a big problem anymore.

just read cousin's blog. the ending kinda made it obvious that he was talking bout a sibling. huh. I guess I'm not alone.
maybe Bakmal's not lying, but.. well, he's hurting mom.
he used to hurt mom more, I know. I should be happy he's changed at least a bit.
now it seems like I'm the one hurting mom. I'm not trying to. Really.
I got this message from her once when she caught me using the computer (I'm a little bit on the honest side, well a lot, my lies are always white lies. If my mom asks if I'm using the computer, and I am, there's nothing to lie about.) and she sent me this message that said,

"Do not think you are better than Akmal because you are not."

well, that's part of the message but that was the part that hurt me most.
Who knew people would think that we think such things? and coming from mom, too. usually moms are right so, is it true? Do I think I'm better than Bakmal? Shouldn't I know myself? Well truth is, I don't.
out of all the bad things he's done, am I still worst than him? have I hurt mom more? I dunno. I dunno.
just proves how stupid people can be about the simplest things.

so during recess, I totally broke. everything started off normally. go to canteen, buy something, eat it. but after a while of hanging around, Nurin came. yes, Masnurin Nasuha. I would've been happier if she didn't ask about Lea, but then if so, then the only reason she would search for me anyway is to pour her heart out which she doesn't do to her other friends but me but somehow that makes me feel being used. But I just acted normally, like I would.

So we went back to class (Secret Club meeting canceled until Friday) but suddenly we took a different route, a familiar one, to the gallery.

when I saw Iman Razak I felt a rush of memories flowing in. It's not like it's been years since I came here for recess. It's just that I've been avoiding it, trying to take a different path like my other friends were, so hard that I felt like I was still in form 1.

I know it hasn't been long, but it feels so different now. Lea wasn't there, in fact Lea was the one who changed most, and we weren't happy. we were in the same class, we knew what was going on, we knew where to go, everything was just set, we just had to follow the flow. But this year, we had to make our own stories, pick up the pieces. Nothing was set from the beginning. we'd think that we were finally doing was right, but then we look the other way and think, hey, maybe it wasn't right after all, and we'd change directions immediately. why does everything have to be so hard?

So first we made a stop at the bench Iman was sitting. I asked Nurin is she was avoiding Iman and she was like, "Yea, but my stuff's with her so let's just go there first." so we did. then she started telling me a story, which I don't think Iman would like to hear (private private private) so I pulled her so that we'd start walking so that we could talk more openly.

so we made our turn to the Dataran when she was telling me about the exciting part when a prefect passed by the same corner. =_= man. then when she continued telling the story i was turning and twisting inside. I felt like rolling on the ground.

I never knew. I'm not alone. Why didn't she tell me earlier?

when we reacher the corner of the other end of the gallery, I pulled her back. we were walking in circles. I want to know more. I want to say more. there was more to be said. I felt like crying right then and there. then she said "the bell rung" so we went back to class.

I want to talk some more. Nurin, we gotta talk this out. I don't want to feel lonely anymore.


"None of it was worth the risk. You are the only exception." - Paramore

"Two harams doesn't make a halal." - Nadiah (Hanis's friend)

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