Thursday, June 16, 2011

guilt.



BEST DOH LAGU NI.
About the guys, they aren't exactly good looking (yeah suuure, that's what I say now :P) and at first I liked the guy who sang first, but then Sya said she liked that one too, so second option is the red head. cuz his hair is red. Have a feeling he's main dancer xD

***

I wrote part of this during BM, when the other students were doing their lisan.

***

I don't know why, I just don't feel as nervous as I know other people are. It feels like it doesn't matter, and 80% of me is sure that I won't get picked. I've been through it so many times - I work hard, get all worked up but ends up things aren't as bad as i thought. People say, "What if?" I never went that far to think it through, and I guess I'm stupid that way. But when things come without warning, how are you gonna work your way through that? You wouldn't have the time to think about it. I guess you can say this is practice for me.


Unlike other people, only 5% of me is worried about this, and it's growing with the chances of me being picked. I guess it's not normal, but worrying gives wrinkles. And somehow I got the worst complexion in my class. Nice. It's like the more you try, the harder it gets for you.

***

Just now Shahira borrowed one of my lyrics, and she reminded me so much of my brother.
"Na, pinjam RM 5 jap. Nanti Bakmal kasi balik." Umm, yea Bakmal, that's the point of borrowing.

"Elyna, pinjam jap lyrics Again ni. Nanti I kasi balik."
It was painfully similar. (coincidently the song is playing on my phone now lol. i love my phone. it's so smart.) the no mentioning why exactly she's borrowing it, the no telling when she's gonna give it back, the intonation. the only different thing is the face - she had on her usual poker face, while Bakmal will put on his best fake smile.

So the reaction afterwards was automatic - I was annoyed. 75% of the time my brother borrows my money. So I gave her the same expression whenever he borrows money - totally pissed off. Then after letting her borrow the lyric, I said "You ni macam my brother la. Annoying." and see, that's where things went wrong.

Somehow a hate riot started against her. well it wasn't really a hate riot, more like an intervention (thank youu, HIMYM). Syarifah started asking her why she's obsessed with SNSD ("Because they're pretty!") and how it's not normal to be obsessed with girls ("I like boy groups too.."). I felt so kesian to her because later Ain agreed with Sya too. On the tip of my lips I was saying "Ala biarla die" but it didn't come out as clearly as their disagreement with Shahira's actions. I felt really bad, my heart tugging. I should've stuck up for her - I knew I was the only one there who wanted to other than Zulaikha. But for all I know she doesn't want to seem weak, or me sticking up for her would show that I'm on her side.

Okay I guess this is a bit private but no one reads my blog anyways (right? right?) or only my closest blogger friends and a cousin who doesn't know who the heck she is reads it, so yeah. I can say this.
During Japanese yesterday Yee sensei was saying how gay is accepted in Japan, and how it's biologically possibly because some guys just have more female hormones and some girls have more male hormones. then Zalikha showed to her sister, saying she has more male hormones (thankfully not to everyone). They treated it like a joke, but actually I felt bad. Like that's your sister la Zalikha =__=" then when Shahira went to the toilet she started talking bout how she's too obsessed with SNSD. so I asked her "you're bitching about your own sister?" "takde la it's just that it's true" but ya know, that's called fangirl-ing.

so later when I saw her somewhere she told me she'll give the lyrics tomorrow and I tried to be nice about it (because it reminds me of my bro again. "Esok, esok, promise.") so that I can apologize about calling her annoying. she said it's okay, her eyes darting off. I know that action - she's trying not to make eye contact. lol are you freaking kidding me I use it all the time - I hate eye contact. Because it shows what you feel. Sometimes I hate the fact that Shahira never says what she really means. Most people do that - it's annoying. When I try my best to either not say anything or just say the truth,  people just lie and avoid eye contact.

SPEAK THE TRUTH PEOPLE! whatever happens, it's probably for the best.

Out.
p.s, when I voiced this out to Xueh Wei she made me this thing spring thing she always makes and wrote there "HAKUNA MATATA , it means no worries for the rest of your days~" and another thing it said "SHINE bright" <3 I got some of the best friends in the world.

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