Saturday, July 2, 2011

forgive me for being human.

somehow I've been really emo recently. One moment I'm all hyped up but then something triggers me into this blank faced, quiet girl who thinks too much.

when I read that person's blog, I can't believe she actually said all that. doesn't she know she's the reason I feel that way? It's annoying, but confusing too. it makes me feel like I did something wrong. but I know somehow that I wasn't the culprit who made her feel that way. is it karma? she did that to me and then she gets the same feeling.
well let me say what I feel sorry for. and also things I'm not sorry for, but I'm really upset about it.
(this isn't specifically to one person)

I'm sorry I can't trust you. I'm sorry I don't think you have the right to know. I'm sorry I have things to be kept secret. I'm sorry that these things I keep secret I tell other people but not you. I'm sorry I didn't call. I'm sorry I called. I'm sorry I didn't back you up. I'm sorry I ran away when things got rough. I'm sorry I called you annoying. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry I didn't say hi for a whole week. I'm sorry I didn't notice when you called me. I'm sorry I can't stop looking at you. I'm sorry if I did something you didn't like. I'm sorry if your life is messed up because of me.
But I'm not sorry when you walked away. I'm not sorry when you couldn't understand. I'm not sorry when you couldn't forgive me. I'm not sorry that you took advantage of me. I'm not sorry when you weren't there when I needed you. I'm not sorry when you ignored me. I'm not sorry that you make people look at you. I'm not sorry that whatever I've done doesn't have anything to do with you. I'm not sorry that you never called me. I'm not sorry that my life is messed up because of you.

Ugh. I don't know. I just hate everything and everyone right now. Now I just have to pull a face for tomorrow's kenduri arwah, and after that I don't have to care about anyone anymore. I'll just study. That's all that matters. Everyone in my life doesn't matter right now - cuz I never mattered to them. I'll just sink into the background like I did in standard 6. After PMR, maybe I'll start caring again. But I don't want to right now. with all the studying, caring isn't really good for me.

***

Caught up with sleep just now. slept from 1:50 - 4. I can start sleeping early again - no more activities yay! I was so exhausted. Sports Day, then that one Friday and we had to study (I didn't sleep at all! percaya tak?) then today was the run. Ran with Lea, because Iman and Idah ditched us. Then had a water fight cuz we all got free water (the usual standard 3 game - poke a hole on your lid, attack unsuspected people.) then during the stupid ceramah I tried my best to sleep because my eyes were already heavy, they just wouldn't shut (cuz I was thinking too much). then we had to clean up the school. stupid Blue house talk. went back home bla bla bla.

yesterday tuition? I didn't matter. well of course it mattered, at least to me, so I didn't wanna bore you with my girly crushing.

Out.


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