Wednesday, January 4, 2012


I don't know why I decided to sleep at 10.30 last night. I don't know why I rolled around thinking how great today would be, until I slept at around 12.15. I don't even know why I thought coming back to school would take my mind of things for awhile, when it just brought me back to the fact that there's no way that I could start off the year perfectly.

At first I smirked at this. then I looked at Jonghyun's 'cheat like a boss' GIF and I started laughing. then I had to hold my stomach from laughing so hard. then I cried. then I smiled to myself, wiping my tears away. this is stupid, I thought.

I don't know. I remember a friend once had this too. the I-have-no-real-reason-for-it-but-I'm-sad disease. the sadness that doesn't really come from anywhere. it has just been there for awhile, and at times, you have to let it out.

this morning after assembly, we met Sya with red eyes. she was crying, thinking of these last three days we're gonna be together. I hugged her, my eyes watery already. this is bad. we can't act all negative. we have to enjoy the time we have left.
the periods before recess was spent in the hall, just chatting around as people who wants to change their subjects or streams huddle around the stage with teacher. went for recess, just staring at people. when I laughed at something that they were talking about while I wasn't in the conversation, Shahira told me I looked like a crazy person. well wouldn't it be nice to be crazy, but invisible? no one would even care that you're crazy - they don't even see you.

after recess we were separated into our new classes, sort of, cuz only a few people changed classes, and then ordered to go to our class. after a whole load of crap, we finally settled in. I sat next to Iman at the table nearest to the door, with Ika behind me and Nadiah next to her. after Divyia took over the class and decided to choose all her pals as AJK's (making me not AJK Chemistry, like I wanted) Iman went a little emo. Ika went to Fatihah and Aziemah to mengadu hal because I wasn't the type who would listen. I'm not the type of person who wants to give shit to these type of crap.

later we got our (super duper obnoxiously inappropriate amount of) textbooks and all of them were like 'omg this is heavy, omg this ridiculous,' and if it was allowed, I'm sure someone would've said 'I broke a nail~!' I just carried my books like a boss, wincing at the weight when no one was looking.
then we started add maths. nodded and scrunched my forehead, trying to understand. amazingly, I did - at that moment. I've totally forgotten everything now. that's maths for you - you need homework, or else it won't go in.

when we were supposed to clean the class, our previous class monitors were giving us our 2011 magazines. I was super-excited. I wanted to see all my writings that I emailed to them last year printed, there with my name under it, 'Nur Elyna bt Mahzan, 3E'. I wanted to see my picture with the Guides at Singapore. I wanted to see my drawing, and I wanted to finish my stalking towards Pumpkin officially - the one thing I didn't stalk last year was her class picture, didn't have a chance to.

I went to the literary section. I flipped through about five times. my name was nowhere. I flipped to the last literary page. neither was my drawing. I went to features, and saw that my picture was cut off. I was right next to Xueh Wei at that time. and I was cut right out of the group. I even flipped to Pumpkin's class picture and got disappointed - her haircut at the time was ugly.

it's okay, right? it's totally fine. but I didn't feel 'fine' at all. I wanted to tell someone, but I knew no one cared. I told Ika and she didn't say anything to it, cuz she was still upset with Divyia. what was there to be said anyway. In the car, I thought, okay I'll tell mom, she'll care. I'm just glad she didn't laugh it off like it was a child's matter. she told me that I'm now starting to learn how the real world is like. she told me to be strong, and to speak up when you know your rights.

now here I am, relieved that I let that out. these are the type of sad things that you can't really tell anyone, cuz it's just small things that we have to laugh off our chest. you just have to find your own way to forget that all these happened to you and move on.

p.s, check out your BM textbook. look behind, at the second writer. I was so proud when I read the biography out loud.
'Seterusnya pada tahun 1998, beliau telah memperoleh Ijazah Doktor Falsafah (Ph.D) dalam bidang Pendidikan Bacaan dari University of Pittsburg, Amerika Syarikat.' 
Two years before, he got me.

To live is to be selfish.

If once I break it,
I will be free, I don’t know why
Why can’t I live straightforwardly?
Why can’t I be more passionate?
Fixed frame, if I try to fit in it,
That’s a wasted effort, it’s not myself 
I wanna be honest
I wanna be alone
Feeling of living
Beyond this consciousness,
Once I erase all and try again, okay
Maybe I will be free

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