Thursday, February 2, 2012

the thing bout the year 2012.

this song suits the mood I'm in right now.

First of all, form 4 is definitely stressful. what with the new subjects to get used to. People keep saying if you don't concentrate now you'll suffer in form 5, which I think had been proven true. I mean, it's different from PMR, when you still have form 2 to redeem yourself, and you're already been studying the same subjects for the past three years. But SPM, you have form 4 to get used to the subjects, then form 5 you have to master it already.

I looked at my class at the end of the day today. Ika was already sleeping behind me, and Iman was being all emo from not being able to understand the lesson. the rest of the class just looked plain tired and messy - and some of them even had extra-curricular after this. if we had Mod. Maths earlier today we could've possibly answered all these simple factorization problems - we are the creme de la creme, as my mom says. but we had all three science subjects today, so our brain had been drilled to it's limits already, especially physics.

you know, I find it sad that physics is already a hard-to-understand subject, and our teacher's English sucks so her trying to explain everything in English doesn't really help. I wouldn't mind if she explained in Malay with the English terms, I mean it's just language.
We just had our first Chemistry experiment yesterday while I heard 4SM had already done quite a few. it's sad that our Chem teacher comes on days she has class with them and not come on two of our classes.
it's also sad that our Bio teacher expects us to start reading by ourselves first too, but I think I'll get the hang of this. but it's annoying how I feel like not everyone find it important to really understand the damn experiment before performing it to your likings, and then us who read the instructions carefully put in too much effort (or it could be just too much starch solution I dunno) and end up not being able to finish the experiment in time.

so that's Science. well that's probably the only problem with lessons, the only other problem is karangan but then I probably should've done this much writing even while studying for PMR. I was just too lazy.

so now that we're in form 4, most teachers would expect for our help when it comes to extra curricular, also juniors expect from us too, since they can't expect from the form 5s. although I'm excited that I signed up for crew on PGL I haven't heard a speck of news or announcements, therefore I feel like I'm not really in anything. so I'm actually speaking for my friends, or maybe just Ida.
Ida is an active St. John member. she's the secretary, and she attends every meeting diligently in her uniform. she's just as good as Violet, difference is Violet's a prefect so people expect good things from her all the time. every Wednesday we would see Ida bring a bag full of log books and files and papers - all St. John stuffs. I pity how she would bring all that stuff with a thick add-maths textbook - she was too tired to finish up her homework in time.

The last G.G. meeting, they were all discussing bout the Gathering, and as I follow Zalikha up the stairs of the office, I realize, this is form 4. Mas was helping get the phone ready for her to call companies, actual companies, for her 'sales' thing. I'm not really sure what this was about.
a seventeen year old girl was dealing with adults from actual companies. wow.

I dunno why I was so surprised, I mean I guess I've never really been 'in the scene' of the school, therefore I wouldn't have known some students actually have to do very adult stuff to get what they need for stuff like sales and scout gatherings. teachers don't do all this anymore, not when you get to form 4. not when you're sixteen, considered a full on teenager who's mature enough to think for herself. they only teach you. like super hard logic stuff. not how to make company calls.

it's even harder when there're juniors depending on you. I'm not feeling it anymore, the last was last year, this year I've been laying off the juniors. but then again I wouldn't even have a chance. I'm in Language Club where we have to go for separate Japanese classes, and Ranger Guides are only for form 4-5 therefore we're the juniors. and I think we can still be considered as good juniors. at least we volunteer for stuff.
simply said, I don't have junior problems. but as I heard from Natasha this morning, I think some people do.

then there's the extra classes. Tassawur, Accounts or Literature. you pick. I chose Literature, cuz I hate Accounts and when it was up to Tassawur and Literature I just chose what my dad think I should take (he's a Sastera person too so). Apparently I stupidly forgot about the first class last Tuesday and missed it, but I guess Madam K forgave me. for Lit there's two extra activities other than classes - plays, and school plays.
there's a Shakespeare play going on in March and well just to release the tension of March test I decided to go. then we'll probably be helping as crew as well for the plays, while the form 5s will act. sigh. what a busy year.

what else is stressful in form 4? hmm. there's getting used to the streaming. sometimes I wonder if some people still feel divided between arts and science streams, I mean we all basically take the same subjects. but not many people had been acting like this... or I just don't know that many people from arts, I dunno.

but I guess where I'm getting to is how depressed I've been for the past few days. what can you do when it is all your fault, and you have no right, you're just all wrong, and all you can feel the whole day is bad. bad, guilt, feel like killing yourself. like you have no right to live anymore. what you had done was the worst. you don't deserve to have friends. you don't deserve to talk to anyone. anyone who trusts you will fall into a big pit of doom.
and yet here you are, breathing, still. crying, still. and still pretending like it will end soon.

it will never end. it will never be the same. it will never heal. people can forgive but they can never forget. people can never forget how it feels to look into that person's eyes, full of acid and anger. how it feels like when your legs just turn automatically. your brain has been thinking for itself again, and you braven yourself to go straight. stupid. it's just stupid. turning is stupid. going straight is also stupid. it just doesn't make any sense. everything is wrong.

I'm that person. the person in the stories people tell when she trusted someone but that person betrayed her. she says she'd forgiven that person, but how can she ever forget the person who ruined her life.
it hurts so much, like a knife stabbing on my lungs, every time I think - no, I know, it's all my fault. I'm the villain, and even if I try to hide it, I'll only be hurting her even more.

I want to cry in front of her. I want her to see that I'm sincere, that I feel really bad, but I only seem to have the guts to cry when I'm alone. in front of her I tug my heart to be braver, and even if I think it's stupid, it seems to happen automatically lately.

...writing all this, it won't solve anything, now would it? Man, do I hate myself right now. she probably hates me too. never will I ever get to piggy back on her again. never will she tell her stories so softly then sometimes I lose concentration. never will we laugh at the same jokes again. it just won't be the same.

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