Tuesday, June 26, 2012


finally a Suho fic like FINALLY. this is so cute I can't even ;w;

we've only got each other.

“Don’t you get bored? There’s nothing here anymore,” Krystal states out, breaking the peace and quiet. Her earrings are dangling in the soft breeze, brushing her shoulders as she looks down at the brittle ground. It felt homier with all five of them there, laughter in the air, the sun burning red and orange in the noon. Krystal didn’t want to come here – she knew she’d cry at one point if she did. But so far she’s been strong.

Thunders roar up ahead. The clouds have been hanging in the sky for days, grey and heavy. They were expecting this, so the two don’t say a word about it.

“There’s their reminiscence though,” Taemin replies, his eyes scanning the clouds for nothing. “I… I miss them.”

[warning : rant]

So I finally posted the fanfic I was so crazy about here and the response.. haha. there was a lot of confusion.
some people said it was well written, but they didn't get it. I admit, when I first wrote it I had a feeling I messed up the timeline myself. which is why I asked for help from Ayuni unnie (I call her ayunnie) for editing. she was kinda late but I loved her comments. she gave me tips on tenses, and she also said that she loved the fact that it's a sad story. it's cliche, but it's sad. she liked my minimalist wordings, but I guess it was too minimal so she told me to widen my vocab. and that was it.

but when people didn't understand... I was just so fucking disappointed.

ayunnie said that "people will be intelligent enough to understand" wtf does that mean when someone doesn't understand the story? that there's a bunch of dumbasses out there? okay maybe there is but none of my friends are dumbasses. Mable said that she had a hard time imagining the story. I don't even get what that means..
I guess it's not my right to judge her for liking this fan-fic about camp with coincidentally Luhan and Gongchan following the tail of the main girl who's supposed to be an average girl who just got 'unlucky'.

ugh why are those type of fics popular anyway. they're like Twilight or something. they're just making it easy for girls to imagine themselves in the story and having the boys chase them everywhere. lol wait I guess that's the reason for fanfic. to get girls wet in their pants.

oh well I guess I should just except my writing isn't really fanfic material. people want smut. yaoi. fluff. I guess even with the angst, it's just not enough. but whatever. I don't even know what I was doing I never liked angst in the first place. but I guess it was a very spur-of-the-moment thing. I heard the song. I tried to deciefere (how do I spell this omg no wonder no one likes my writing) what the lyrics meant. and I created a story out of it.
at that moment, at 2am while ironing my uniform, it seemed like the perfect thing to write. SHINee, f(x) and EXO, an affair, death, guilt trips and crying and a slight perv (I really trusted myself that I could write at least a tinsy bit, for the sake of the fic. but I really can't do yaoi one I just.. can't. not even kissing, I think. just feelings.) I really thought this was what people were searching for. they didn't want action (The Start of a War) or fantasy (The Black Angels). they wanted fucking angst. or smut or fluff either one but I can't.

and yet that wasn't enough.
oh well. the narcissistic way of thinking it is that my way of thinking is beyond fanfics. the emo way of thinking it is that I will never be successful in the writing world so at least I have a heads up if I fail again in the future. yet managed to make that positive sigh.
but still, thank you to those who has read and commented! so touched. no matter good or bad (exception to Mable - I don't understand why she can't imagine it; the only reason you can't imagine something is if you have no imagination. if your imagination is different from mine I'd still be okay with it.) I will accept it with an open heart! *takes in all the bad comments, thinks about what I did wrong all day long* *bricked*

I really wish I could write something like this. sigh.

Sunday, June 24, 2012


“I can’t keep doing this anymore.”

From the other side of the door, Kris hears the first sobs emerge from Tao’s chest. “I can’t. I’m sick of playing this fucking game. It’s not fair for me to love you like this when you’re not real.”

“But I am,” Kris insists.

It is the first time and last time he talks back.

“I am. I am real. Tao…Tao, open the door.”

“No! No, you’re fucking not real! You were never real. Y-You’re a fucking toy and I can’t…I want someone real.”

“I’m real,” Kris repeats, his forehead on the door. Panic flood his chest as he disobeys his motherboard; it tells him to silence himself and accept Tao’s thoughts, but Kris can’t. His human heart won’t let him. “Tao…Tao, open the door.”

Tao sobs, fists coming down on the door. “Shut the fuck up! Buying you…buying you was the worst mistake I have ever made. Who the fuck lets people fall in love with things? What kind of sick fuck?”

“I am real!” Kris yells. “I’m real. You can hear me. You can see me. You can touch me. You can taste me when we kiss. I hold you at night. You...You love me. What more do I have to do? Tell me…tell me and I will do it. I would do anything for you—“

“Shut up! Shut up, please, I just…shut up.” Tao bangs on the door, hoping to silence him. He cries so easily and it tears at the very center of Kris’ real being. Kris tries to push his way in but Tao pushes back from the other side. “Stop it! Stop trying to get it! You’ve already gotten into my fucking heart, what more do you want? And it’s…it’s not fair. This love isn’t fair. It’s always me who ends up falling in love with the wrong people, always me—“

“I love you,” Kris confesses through the door. “I love you, Huang Zi Tao.”


“I love you and I am real. I am real and I see only you—“

it's currently 6:07am and I just finished Be Human yay. bye laptop, dad will punish me again for sure~

Thursday, June 21, 2012

jakun-ing. like HOW.

wow yenf updates a lot lol. shall leave that long for later. now.
I probably wrote too long for the last one too -shot-

just wanna say thanks to Xueh Wei appa and Yen Fern-ah for reading that fan-fic. I can't believe you guys actually like it though, it's been getting ignored in the fan-fic world to be honest ;_; everyday I'll be checking my livejournal inbox for comments but I get disappointed in the end. sigh. I really love you guys.

xwei: "I like the spontaneity of it"
yenf: "...I nearly cried. it was so serious"

yes actually it was quite spontaneous. I didn't mean it to be serious, but I guess it turned out like that haha.
I itch to go on about how this fic was born but it would be too obvious that I'm so jakun that someone actually likes it hahaha. umm.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

just another voice.

so when I came back to school I was obviously not greeted very warmly by my classmates. the first classmate who tegur-ed me (not counting Ika, and yet Ika only said "I really wanted to hang out with you today but I have to handle the Raffles girls!") was Gloria, and she asked about the English papers.
it's okay. I had fun alone. if you want to believe that.

recess Ili didn't even came by our class door, Ain didn't come. I just met up with Shahira at the canteen and had awkward conversations about EXO. later Ida came along. she didn't even eat anything cuz we were already done and she didn't want to be alone. I think I can relate.
she started talking about a certain person and we talked about more awkward topics, the three of us. after they left I thought they were gone forever but I guess Ida had some free time and we had a 'future talk'. I guess I'm tied into the things I never wanted to be involved in just because I'm a good junior.

Agama, I thought I had a chance with Nuryn and Nurin but they were already on a topic which I somehow can't really relate to at that time.
to be honest I hate cheesy romantic dreams. I rather talk about dark dreams. am I that sad? really?

so I spent agama looking left to see Nuryn who's clearly disinterested and right to see Nadhrah who wouldn't understand. it was an opinion about a classmate who quit school. I'm not really sure of her status right now, but it seems like she had some problem that most teachers know and wouldn't leak to the students. ustazah only said, "sometimes, when we can't get along with someone, you just have to brave through it and know your priorities." (translated summarized version)

so here I am to talk about my opinion about this person. I haven't read her blog in awhile and I don't know if she would've blogged about it, really. but I know her. when Pn. Noraini asked us "Dia ada masalah kan?" and someone said "Takde pun cikgu, no" I was like, how is it that you, a close friend (well I assume she's not really a close friend just a smarty pants who thinks she would know everything) wouldn't know and I do?
I mean I don't know her problem per say, but in form 2 she did seem like she was having some issues and I've always thought that it was the reason why she's like this now.
while ustazah said "sometimes there are people we just can't stand" I believe that no matter how hard she tried, she would always be this person who no one can ever stand. I really thought Nadiah was different - she had always tried to help her in form 2, always being so nice. but this year even Nadiah admitted that it was kinda hard to talk to her.
personally I tried my best to avoid talking to her. I don't know I guess I knew if I said something wrong I'm screwed forever.
#np Juniel - Illa Illa.
I never thought badly of her. I never cursed her and I know she doesn't really specifically hate on a person just cuz. I don't know, I guess I've always been contented that she's just like that and the easiest way is to just get out of her way.
Ika was different though. she said she had some sort of problem with this person last year, and she would never forget it. when I showed her that the person talked about her in her blog she just laughed it off I guess.

I'm talking without point here. I guess what I meant to say is that, I guess there are these type of people who just can't adapt. since I don't really know her situation, I guess I can't say much, I don't know if it's really us the society or her who's maybe emotionally or mentally dented (I'm not trying to be mean but things do happen). but as I know I think if I was to be thrown somewhere by someone I have no power over (for example, my parents) I would just try my best to survive. a school I hate, in the middle of the desert, I wouldn't be an emotional wreck over it if I know it's good for me.
and I know it's good for her - she may not have real friends (I don't know about this but it could be) or maybe she didn't like the teachers or the teaching environment or something, but it was good for her. if she really thinks that highly of herself she can think of it of a way to practice being humble. she was a prefect, always in the top five of the form. things were good for her. but yet, she couldn't adapt.

I feel like it's a pity, to lose such a classmate. it would make me forget that not everyone is the same. she was not the same. she might try to be nice, but that's sincerely out of her heart to not hurt anyone relatively, because being herself would hurt almost everyone. she wasn't a fake. but the real her wasn't very... likable. not that I hate or dislike her because of that. sometimes it's just the way things are, ya know. not everyone's nice.
I guess I've been keeping this to myself a lot so I'll just let it go all in this post. it still itches me that I can't mention her name though.

so moving on. Japanese was actually the best class of the day, although I missed Shahira I still had Aina. it was just better. a whole lot more fun. no one judges anyone. I talked to other people like Eva and Hana and Maryam and Mas and Koshi. without really having a purpose to talk to them. I like that. very different from 4SA.

today I thought I would finally feel better in class because Ika was around. although I did feel a lot better than yesterday I was really tired because I was fasting. I laughed a lot because Ika laughed and although I'm not sure what she was laughing about (she talked about camp a lot, I guess she really enjoyed herself. glad she did without me. didn't want her to turn out like me.) I just laughed along. most of the time at her (laugh) not with her haha. But at least I had a good laugh.

she came over to do NIE after school and that was nice. I was having a headache before she came but it eventually went away as we reached 6pm and was rushing to finish it off lol. I guess it turned out quite good actually :3 and I enjoyed myself what with the rushing and brain damage happening haha.

so yeah. I didn't blog yesterday because dad hid the laptop. glad I still have the same feels tonight.

Thursday, June 7, 2012


all my feels. I cannot contain.
especially when Roxas's part started. I was just saddened they only showed his real memories - meaning no Twilight Town foursome :c I've always been sad about the fact that those memories weren't real. the four of them worked so well together, I love them more than the Destiny Islands trio tbh. Ollete>Kairi. Roxas>Sora. but still love Riku>Hector (i think that was his name) & Pence.
If I was given to choose my favourite worlds in KH, I'd choose Twilight Town. 2nd Traverse Town. and that's only the places I've been to. REALLY wanna go to Keyblade Grave omg just the sound of it is so cool.

matoki gijinka yepee.


I love them. I'm obsessed, can't wait for KEKEMATO and Zelo's Matoki (still not revealed yet OH I'M CURIOUS YEAA).

Wednesday, June 6, 2012


3:58am. Just finished another fic. It was good. won't say it's amazing but the plot was nice. tinsy bit of smut, avoided reading that part.

whatever I'm gonna say after this is for the sake of fiction. I'm not altering the reality or trying to change people's perception of how the other world works, Na'uzubillah.
plus I'm bringing all of you readers down with me on this project. need all the help and research I could get. not planning on making this a fan-fic; only the characters are based on idols. so yea, my first big project on starting a novel.
okay so this isn't my first attempt at making a novel but I'm dead serious about this since some serious shit people actually complimented this so.
Fishing on a Cloudy Day has to wait.

so I'm trying to continue The Black Angels. I remember when I started letting people read it (weirdly, Gloria included) they said that it was good, the only thing was that there was a hole in the plot - what did the boys actually do to get into that trouble?

so I've decided to make a series of The Black Angels. based on the 'angels' that we learn in agama (malaikat) and their purposes (jobs) I shall make one part for each part. SHINee's will be the first - the Transporters, or more known in agama as Izrail. the second is EXO, they'll be the Messengers - Jibril. so I'll put Malik and Ridhwan together as the Guardians? they guard the doors to heaven and hell but I'm not sure. there's a mention of Suho being the Guardian of the Messengers so I shouldn't mix terms together. any suggestions (for either Suho/the job of guarding the doors)? considering B.A.P for this job. (childish newbies mess up the doors? lol)

Munkar and Nakir work together in the graves, the Questioners? lol. hey there's actually such word. well then. Maybe DBSK for this one. just the life of the two of them. Raqib and Atid work together in writing down human's amalans (how do I say this? daily virtues? no not virtue since bad things are included as well. hmm.) so the... Noted? Journalists haha okay. not sure who this should be. should be more than two people, since two only work on one person. there should be complications like whether what a person does is considered a good or a bad thing. considering rookies for this one, since they're so naive and not really smart on making decisions by themselves, unlike experienced idols.

Israfil's job is to 'meniup Sangkakala' which marks the end of the world so putting this back to the last; maybe there were complications whether the Highest Angel (replacing this for God, since there are many opinions on God so at least people won't get sensitive about it. not meaning that-- astarghfirllah.) decided that it was time or not, which shows that this isn't God since God is perfect and being hesitant isn't perfect SO THERE. but there's still the fact that God is the one who decides when the world will end -shot- OH maybe the Highest Angel was stupid to not understand whether God meant yes or no so :D oh whatever I'll figure this one out somehow. don't know what to call this job. should be a solo artist, maybe a girl since I'm not into solo male artists. omg Juniel. have you guys checked out Illa Illa? beautiful-shot again- back to the story.

last, Mikail (Umar Mikail lol yes my brother named my nephew after 1. Nabi Muhammad S.A.W's good friend Saidina Umar and 2. malaikat Mikail - the bringer of prosperity to earth.) well the exact words we learn in agama is "menurunkan rezeki" so I'll just say it's prosperity. and also "menurunkan hujan" (rain is rahmat ok) so I'll call the job Rain Carrier? anyone with impressive vocabs can help me out with the job names please and thank you. hmm no I'm not considering Rain for this one. a girl group who's generous... I'm being biased by thinking about f(x) or Secret. tbh the characters won't be having the same names as the original person, just the first letter of their names to hint any KPOP lovers out there but I don't watch many variety shows that involves girl groups. the only ones are probably SNSD (well technically most Seohyun through WGM) and f(x) (I didn't even finish Koala whatever technically, since Amber wasn't around). so I'll just use f(x) and roughly assume Amber's personality through IY. sigh. this needs a lot of research.
why am I so biased against girl groups? oh yea 2NE1. ...generous? we'll see about this.

sigh. 4:31am. #np Like This - Wonder Girls. 4 hours to school.

so that's... seven parts, yes? I won't write seven books obviously. these seven parts will tie down the mystery to SHINee's mistake in the first part. SHINee as The Transporters. EXO as The Messengers. B.A.P as The Guardians (?). DBSK as The Questioners (?). (rookie group) as the Journalists (?). Juniel as the (?). (girl group) as the Rain Carrier (?). omg I definitely need to go to sleep already. so I'll just end this briefly - YOU GUYS BETTER HELP ME OR I'LL SEND MATOKIS FROM THE PLANET MATO TO KILL ALL OF YOU WITH THEIR CUTENESS.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

the dream.

okay so last night I had a dream... but I didn't remember it.
this morning I woke up, performed my prayer, updated my fanbase on Twitter then decided to go back to sleep. and I had another dream.
I think it was my first dream of B.A.P since Power came out. I had another one after Warrior, where I met them at an arts school :D weirdly in this dream, they're all still blonde.
but B.A.P wasn't really the main point of this dream. they were part of it, probably 30-40% of it but there's sort of a story line to this dream that had a sort valuable (?) lesson for me.

so I'm assuming that I had signed up for a program that required me to stay at this hotel. excitingly, I discovered that B.A.P was also staying in this same hotel!!! *imagine me spazzing right now this second screaming and squealing at the thought of sleeping under the same roof as MOON. JONG. UP.* but apparently none of my KPOP friends were with me in this program (I don't know there's always something I like that it seems that the girls don't. if it comes to the terms of school this is probably some sort of Literature or Math thing, either one.) and since it's an educational program I don't have much time to stalk the boys or even fangirl or even ask for a picture or autograph okay you get the idea.

so it seems that there are several point of views in this dream. on is me, the KPOP fangirl who is in a trip as a student and coincidentally bumps into her second bias group. then there's the B.A.P's point of view. apparently there were two parts of this (I have to remind myself before I forget. it IS a very vague dream, after all). then there was one part of EXO. that's it. I had two parts, I think. maybe three.

okay so first part was me arriving at the hotel and seeing the boys and spazzing but also getting upset because the teachers were telling me to get to bed early because we had programs the next day. there was a part I was watching from afar, Jongup and his pals, both boys and girls. the girls were tall, about 165-168 making me looking totally short and unattractive compared to them in their denim shorts and skirts and wavy hair. practically all of them had some weird ass coloured hair, Jongup being blonde looking pretty much like this :

and he was wearing a cap. I watched them get into a lift, all of them squeezed together and laughing and smiling. Jongup looked kinda short compared to his peers. but whatever it is, I wished I was one of them.

so after this was me in the program, probably already skipped until the next day. I was in class and getting ready to plug in music because I had a feeling this speech was gonna be boring. see the thing about this program was that it wasn't a school thing, it was more of an area thing, meaning the whole PJ area? so I remembered seeing students from Samad and Assunta and La Salle being there. so I was sneaking up the earphones up my tudung while Hafizah was giving out the spreadsheets. Madam K. was the teacher at that time? then I saw someone trying to talk to me, so I pulled one of the wires of my earphones but I still couldn't hear what the person was saying. all I heard was the song I was listening when the earphones were on. so I pulled off the other one too but same results.

what's weird is how calm I was. I was scared, but shit I was good at hiding it. I don't think anyone in the class noticed how fast my heart was beating. all I could hear was my heart and the stupid music. I tried putting on and off the earphones over and over again but it always resulted the same way. in my heart I felt a sudden tug of guilt. the reason this happened was because I prioritized music over school. so I went up to Madam K. and told her how I am currently very much deaf. she said something but I couldn't hear it. idk how but I got out of class in deep regret, not knowing what to do other than keep my earphones plugged in so that I won't feel like there's much difference. that's when I saw Jongup and Himchan filming a CF.

I can't remember what they were promoting but Jongup had to young and lively with his pals and skateboard (wait I thought Zelo was the skateboarder lol) and Himchan was supposed to be this mature gentleman

wait what
oh yea that's Himchan on the left. but well he's supposed to act in the CF anyway so I guess he's a really good actor. anyway they were acting as if Himchan was walking from his room in the hotel to his car while Jongup was supposed to come from the streets into the lobby so yea it looked kinda cool when they passed each other and shit but that's it yay (^^)v just me and my dreams haha.

then suddenly the dream was from EXO's Kai's POV. he was also shooting a CF at the hotel, I think he was promoting some sort of drink, one of those drinks that taste like wine but doesn't have alcohol or something lol. so he was supposed to walk to the bar and the bartender asks if he wants some sort of alcoholic drink then Kai refuses and asks for this drink, which later he says something like "Just as delicious, only safer" LOL anyway somewhere here Chanyeol and his twitchy smile and bushy hair appears too, but I'm not sure what his role was ><"

so after that I sort of woke up because of the sun blaring from behind Chanyeol's hair. not in real life. it was as if I was dreaming in a dream (INCEPTION?!) but I realized why I was deaf. I woke up as Taecyeon 2PM btw, and I was sleeping in class, drooling with my earphones plugged in. and that's when I realized it.

I woke up in real life to pause the music that was playing from my phone and go back to sleep. ah, that's better. I'm not deaf anymore.

so when the dream resumed I was still staying at the hotel. only I was just relaxing in my room, tweeting. suddenly I got a call from Shahira. she told me she made a twitter account and that she already followed me and I should follow her back. and I'm just like whoa wait slow down you made a twitter account?! tbh this part of the dream felt very much real, and I remember Shahira telling me why she'll never make a twitter account so this was a very surprising thing to me. then when I found her account her profile was really full and it made me laugh a bit. then I heard her saying to someone that she wants to add some more stuff then I heard Khairun's voice. Khairun was there with her and told her to make a twitter account. KHAIRA KHAIRA I SHIP THEM THE MAKNAE LINE
anyway lol what Shahira wanted to add was "I eat fish" then I was like "you don't say? so you don't eat beef?" and Khairun's like "I eat chicken but not beef" and Shahira's like "they're all FATS" and I just laughed to myself until I woke up.

truth is Shahira does eat beef and chicken heck I saw her eat ayam masak kicap and daging salai during the sleepover so I guess this is just me making things up because of her obsession to loose weight.
so that was my stupid but lesson-learned dream. Jongup has a life, I should prioritize studies over anything else after family and friends, and that Shahira will never make a twitter account unless Khairun tells her to.
lol what are typos and grammar

my opinion on Singaporean ulzzangs.

foreword : I AM SO SORRY IF YOU LOVE THIS GUY AND IT SEEMS LIKE I'M BASHING ON HIM, BUT I'M JUST POINTING OUT MY OPINION. am definitely not an anti, just a not-liking-it-very-much person. I guess everyone has their own tastes, and I know how it feels like when someone bashes on something you really like. I'm a KPOP fan. I've felt that a lot. so if you wanna hear my opinion, read it. if not, don't. if not you'll just get butt hurt.

meet Typical Ben.
I have a few Singaporean BABY friends on Twitter who love this guy. they're all "he's SO cute!" and I'm just like whoa okay he looks very familiar.. somewhere between L.Joe and Minwoo.

so I went to his blog and watched his video because I'm all "hey, there must be a reason Singaporeans like him so much right?" but apparently I'm not Singaporean - born.. oh wait I wasn't born here. RAISED on the Land of Malaya - therefore I don't get it.
IN MY OPINION, he sounded kinda.. CAN I JUST BE FRANK. he sounded very much gay, and then he had a little friend by his side wearing a very gay shirt then they're both laughing at themselves and I'm just like lol okay they're gay friends who just had a couple of shots before filming this video that makes no sense at all.
I mean, I've seen a vlog by a Singaporean girl before. there's no way all Singaporean girls are attracted to guys like this?!

I've seen not only this one, but I think YenF had introduced me to another what I'd like to call "Singaporean *Ulzzang" but I can't really remember his name. I think he had some sort of mix blood and I remember he had a post on how many hair colour/styles he had practically since birth. and he kinda sings on YouTube too. sorry but it really annoys me that there's a lot of Singaporeans who try to do this vlog thing with all HQ cameras and all the prettiest girls and boys but the video never entertain me. even the stupidest video by thecomputernerd01 can still make me laugh at their stupidity. I don't know I guess it's a Singaporean thing sometimes.

so I'm guessing all these ulzzangs has a twitter account where their fans would follow them hoping for a selca once in awhile; a blog where they post practically anything entertaining that happened or would be able to make them look like they have a fun life by posting pictures and crap (<--not bashing, this is the way I talk serious); then next step a YouTube where they try to do some sort of video of some sorts but to no avail, never turned out that good anyway.

another thing about ulzzangs is that somehow they have like a pretty friend or sister that would never be his girlfriend. then they would also have a gang of friends who would NEVER look anywhere near as attractive as he is. ulzzangs also really like to talk about what they're wearing, especially when it's branded.

okay I'm really sorry to all those people who like all these cutesy boys from Singapore who dye their hair and look really cute in their selcas and shit, but it really turns me off. it's just so weird like I knew these Singaporeans with voices like Typical Ben's as Ah Bengs. have this changed? are they trying to wash away that label and create this new, more attractive label, that I personally call Singaporean Ulzzangs?
Maybe in my opinion they kinda stole this pretty boy concept from the Koreans. probably Koreans stole it from Japan. whatever it is, Singaporeans are by majority Chinese and if Singaporeans are to do this, then Malaysians will start doing it, then Taiwanese and Hong Kong peeps and everyone will be pretty.......

isn't this just weird?
I liked Koreans pretty boys more than Japanese because long hair is a turn off to me, but if everyone starts doing it I'll really start hating pretty boys. will probably go for bulky hulks from the gyms (which is actually for me right now is a major turn off but who knows in five years time?).

I can't really do anything about this, but I'm really hoping that Singaporean girls will stop encouraging this ulzzang thing. let them be the Ah Beng they once were. at least they're original.
p.s, omg if someone finds this I'm so gonna be dead. so happy that this blog has no information about me at all lol. omg except for the url O.O -shot-
p.p.s, I'm not really familiar with Chinese terms actually lol, can you point out if I'm using the term Ah Beng correctly so that I can correct my mistake? thanks. >.<"

*Ulzzang is a term that Koreans use for really good-looking guys, maybe flower guys who would look pretty/handsome no matter what they do. "zzang" or "jjang" means the best. not really sure what the ul stands for lol.

Friday, June 1, 2012

just rant.

feeling kinda biased and useless so gonna rant here if you don't mind.
it's not like I've been posting a lot recently anyway.

so I feel like crap.
well technically, not really. I just feel like.. I can't do anything right now.
to be honest I'm getting kinda tired with Twitter (somehow I have a feeling that this is gonna last for a short while. watch me tweet like a shotgun tomorrow.) so I felt like writing a bit of fan-fic, but then I lost it when it comes to what I actually wanna write about.

there's always the OTP choice. Baekyeol, Daejong, whichever. or the group choice.
once I've decided on that there's the genre choice. fluff. angst. I hate writing angst though. angst isn't very me, in my opinion. I can't write angst, nor can I read it. can't stand all the negative emotions lol.
then there's smut but I'm not at the point of liking it yet (hopefully never will, trying to avoid it recently) and then crack, maybe romance. also the unreal, slightly.
but this all really depends if you got the story line down.

today I read three fan-fics that really made me feel like I'll never become a successful writer. reason being is because the writers of those fics are probably my age, if not slightly older or younger. and they had successfully wowed me with their stories.

fine the last one was actually a crack that made me laugh so much. B.A.P parody of Snow White, and it was hilarious how the story line was still clear although jokes ran through it just as smoothly. I wouldn't exactly write something like this though, full of crack-y goodness.

but the two other Baekyeol fan-fics were impressive. one was a horror actually. and if they made it into a movie it should actually turn out quite good. plus the fact that Chanyeol can be replaced with a girl, making the ghost a girl which is actually the majority gender for most horror movies haha.
the other Baekyeol was more to the unreal genre. it consisted mostly of human feelings, but also inserted Tao's power of time control. what was amazing was how the writer turned what seemed like a happy ending into a tragic one. sort of like Remember Me, the novel by Nicholas Sparks, I believe, and the movie starred Robert Pattinson. I wouldn't really know how to turn this one into a movie, slightly would confuse the genders a bit since Tao falls slightly for Baekhyun but later Baekhyun's role is switched with Chanyeol's. maybe they can make Tao bisexual or something haha.

so, if these people can write so well, and received so many compliments, where did my fic about B.A.P and EXO go wrong?

I'm scared to write. I'm scared that it'll turn out like the last fan-fic. unread and unnoticed.
but I don't want to write the type of fan-fics that sounds the same like every other fan-fic that caught everyone's attention. I wanna write something different. but it has to be able to steal people's attention.
exactly how B.A.P was different and stole so many people's attention, including mine.
but if it's different but no one likes it, what's the point?

so the next thing is drawing. I saw a few drawings by this artist that drew the Matokis in human form.


Still awaiting DADAMATO. she is so effing talented that she actually came up with the above (I think she called them gijinkas) from literally naked bunnies that only had masks on. and they look good too! and I saw her DA and now I'm kinda missing my account. I wish I had a tablet than I can actually spam my followers with good drawings.
I mean I know I can do it, it's just that I know I can improve too, and the only way now since I'm so satisfied with my style, is to do it digitally. I can start colouring and shading, and actually working on improving my skills. but I don't have a tablet, and reason being is because when I had the money I stupidly forget about all the important stuff. I should've kept my to-buy list I had on my blog before. then I can keep focus on what I really have to keep my money for. now all's gone and wasted, and I haven't achieved much from it either. if anything, I only ruined my academic life by buying this stupid phone.

aish. I don't know. I know that we shouldn't regret, since we are young and it's common for us to make mistakes. it's just that it seems like my plans for my future is being a bit setback. what's the use of interest if you have no real talent? if my talent is with numbers then I should stick to that. but no. I have to rebel, go against the nature that I got from my parents, and decide to be different from what I was grown up to be like. instead of a diligent student who gets straight A's, I'm turning out a wobbly professor's daughter who's doing this just for the sake of saving my parents' face.

stupid thing is, I know I can do it. I know I can easily score. I know what to do. but I'm not fucking doing it.

truth is, I blame it all on Koreans. but what can I do? on a tough day, they're the only ones that can make me smile. not being cheesy but being truthful. why should I let go of something that brought me to good people who aren't two-faced? who should I let it go when it's the only thing I can look forward to when I get back home?

feeling sleepy at 10.30. had been like this for awhile now. wonder what's wrong with me.