Sunday, July 29, 2012

love - ohai.

okay I am so random but I was so jealous of Yen Fern getting Ms. V for English that I felt like trying out their assignments. of course I've been following YenF's English blog, since her current blog is private and she hasn't invited me yet .__. but oh well.

so, love huh?

the feeling of infatuation towards something or someone. that's what I think online dictionaries would say what it means if I searched it up on Google. to be honest I'm too lazy to do that right now, and I have to make this quick since my mom's already pissed that I'm not asleep yet. anyways.

when I was eleven, I claimed all over my diary that I love this boy in my class. heck it's been like that since I was eight, all through until I was twelve. eleven just seemed like a relevant age. anyway. at that time I was still a kid and I don't really think about all these stuff. like an average animal, I acted through intuition - I sent love letters, I confessed, I did anything really just to get his attention. but in the end, he never really saw me in any other way than as a friend. less than six months after I left primary school, I realized that I had been so immature. I felt stupid and embarrassed, but right now I just think I was a kid. kids do stupid stuff.

when you're eleven, and your tummy turns into a knot whenever a person you like talks to you, that's not love. that's attraction.

a couple of years back, I had stopped using the word 'love' bluntly. I never told my friends I loved them, I just said I cared about them. because to 'love' a certain person you're not sure you'd be able to put up with for a long time seemed ridiculous. and being the honest person that I am, I probably hurt a few people telling them "I don't love you. but I do care for you." I still wonder if the second sentence made up for it.
My parents were a different thing. I never show it, but I always love my parents and silently thank them for all they had done, but I had this big ass ego that I never show them how much I love them. And I guess that hurt them. no, not guess. it really did hurt them. I know because my mom told me this once. "Elyna, your heart is as hard as stone." I really felt hurt, which shows my heart isn't hard as stone, so I decided maybe having too much ego isn't so good.

I realized that my way of being completely honest and myself started hurting people, and the 'love' lessened day by day.

In the middle of 2011, I had a group of friends which I had something in common with - the love for all things Korean. at school there was Sya, Ika, Ida, Ain, and Aina. and me, so that made 6. we went to tuition together too, minus Aina. and there we met Khairun. she also loved KPOP. we told Aina about Khairun and vice versa. we were a gang. no commitments. until one day Ain asked me, "Have you ever wondered how it'd be like if we were a girl group?"
we started with how Sya would be the leader, and Ika would be the omma and so on. it was just a normal conversation in the middle of just another boring Sejarah class. that night I started sketching. I tried to figure out a good name, and came up with '101'. a group consisting of the seven of us.

starting from then we started going for outings and spent raya together and ate together and spent 85% of our time together. Ika and Ida said 101 was getting weird (since they saw this hair product advertisement called 101) so we hunted for a new name. After PMR we had random visits to the library and they would look up and down for inspiration. I was writing lyrics, trying to collaborate with another 'vocal group' i would like to call it, Shikaku. the whole thing was looking kinda serious. Sya and Ida found our new name - Hubble - and we a YouTube channel, and we planned making covers, and we practiced.

then Sya told us bout how she applied for technical school.

we tried our best to look at it positively. but all the efforts were dropped, obviously. we got our PMR results, cheered and cried with each other. the second week after school started the year afterwards, Sya had already packed up to register to her new school in Seremban. we had a gathering at her house, and Sya announced the recruitment to our new member - Shahira. we promised to be behind each other's back. we cried. and we loved each other.

I know such a ridiculously long story but that's how the Hubble family grew - how the love grew. we were with each other. we talked. we listened. we laughed and we cried. that was when I really felt 'love' from someone not from my family.

Love is not when you have someone next to you when you walk to the canteen. It's to know that there's someone waiting at the canteen, anticipating your participation in yet another exciting discussion about the latest music video. Love is not to have someone to talk to, it's about having someone to listen when you talk. Love is not about just being there, it's about doing something to make 'there' a happy place.

we each have a story behind us. and every time the other is feeling down, we would hold her hand, letting her know she's not alone. that's when I know - we love each other.

ugh I am being so sappy. about family. well we all love our family right -shot-
I just don't feel comfortable talking about family matters, sorry ^^; hope I did well!
lol Ms. V isn't even my teacher what am I doing.

extra : I also love these boys - for real. I know this love is real okay because well they make my day. c:


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