Friday, November 30, 2012

I don't know why I was expecting B.A.P and EXO to collaborate. who the fuck am I kidding. who's B.A.P in SM's eyes, really?

that feeling when all these big shot are there like, with their bitch faces and worldwide popularity with everyone fucking loving them so much with nothing less than 6 official songs, okay 12 since it's in DIFFERENT FUCKING LANGUAGES so it's DIFFERENT SONGS RIGHT OF COURSE THE LANGUAGE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE

and then there's B.A.P. the underdogs. the ones who worked hard with 5 albums and back to back to back no break, keep coming back every time they had a chance. the one from a small company, trying their to best to make it big. the ones who tried to get their names on everyone's tongues. they looked so big, so furious, nothing can stop them when they're on stage, on Inkigayo to Music Bank to MCountDown to Music Core to Show Champion, performing, variety shows, singing, dancing, rapping. doing all they can.

and yet among those people, they looked like nothing.

my boys. the boys that I love so much. do you know how much that hurts?

my Guppie. the most adorable boy I've ever met with the most beautiful body and purest heart. how did he feel? will he be okay? will he keep smiling?
I know he'll keep smiling. because he's that type of person. but sometimes I just wish he'll just





Yea I left that off 2 and a half hours ago to watch PewDiePie's walkthrough of Ib because I knew if I went on I'll never finish. too much emotions going on there. it was so awesome. first time I didn't sleep through the whole night. Will sleep after we perform subuh prayers ^^
Out.

what did I do wrong.

WARNING : LOADS OF HATE
really, none of this has to get out. there's a reason this is here, not on Tumblr.








I wasn't exactly dissatisfied. After B.A.P won this the girls were like "B.A.P dah menang award, rookie kasi kat EXO la~" but EXO already got a rookie award. it may not have been on MAMA, but it's still a rookie award all the same. I was hoping Busker Busker won rookie so that it'll be fair. but apparently EXO had to win another award too. and some ass exotits had to go all "THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN ROOKIE - IT'S NEW ASIAN ARTIST AWARD! IT'S LIKE, NOT JUST IN KOREA, IT'S IN FUCKING ASIA" oh shut up. do you even know who won it last year? neither do I. only to say that it's not that big of a deal.

I agree with this girl who said EXO's performance wasn't that big of a deal. compared to YG artist's performances, SM's artist weren't that impressive. EXO's was good, fine, but it's not that big of a deal. SuJu was... they had a 'special preparation' for Spy, they said in an advertisement on Channel M. what's so special? the dance and song was exactly the same. even Sexy Free and Single. the Mr. Simple dance wasn't even them. super disappointed, but I couldn't say that in front of an ELF, SM-stan Shahira and the easily-impressed Sya and Ain. I was in a position that I had to pretend that it was okay that SM made it such a big fucking deal. in my opinion, EXO and SHINee had the best act (although SHINee didn't really do much neither, EXO just made them look like the new Gods of the East. who are they kidding. missing DB5K although I was never there at that time, but watching their old performances, I know they were great.) and even as the best act, it couldn't match with Big Bang.

Honestly, YG ruled the stage. they even had Gangnam Style in their palms - how can they not?
Then Lee Hi, the latest kid genius. Epik High; one of the best rapping groups in the KPOP scene. Big Bang; legends. EMA winners. YG has it all.

I took a dump while JYP was performing.

Anyway, in my thoughts right now it's EXO - 2, B.A.P - 1. There's a lot more opportunities later in the future, and I will pray and pray every single day that B.A.P will beat out EXO in the number of awards. I know it's mean, but those little SM fuckers deserve to see that they're not big ass shots at all. I honestly feel like cursing SM and everything of it but remembering how much I loved SHINee, and how hard all of them worked as trainees, it's really hard to hate the artists. but you can trust me that when I say I hate SM as a company, I really do, fucking hate them with a passion. They don't deserve shit.

I just hope I won't have to bite back my words in the future.

Oh did anyone else notice B.A.P was gone after their award? They couldn't bother really. The only thing they felt sitting among those fucking SM artist is small and unneeded. They bowed and felt grateful to Mnet but even f(x) who I liked so much kept their bitch face on. Even I can't stand it. How can they?

Out.
P.S, Youngjae tweeted a thanks and called us babies; literally T__T I feel pampered somehow like they have to take care of us or something. it's a nice feeling, honestly. a feeling like we're loved. I mean, all parents love their babies, right?

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

drama soundtrack.

I watched Reply 1997 with my mom today. Episode 9-12. Mom was crying and she didn't feel sleepy so we went on. We watched the kiss scene and I sang along to Deli Spice's Confession. Its definitely one of the best songs in the soundtrack.

After mom decided to sleep I went to clean up and go to bed myself. Throughout I was feeling sick in the stomach because we still have no idea how Jongup faired in his SATs. I got back to my phone when I suddenly got a tweet from birthday girl. She asked if it's okay to call me. I started to panic.

"It hurts, you know?"

I started to feel what Ken (or what's his name again?) from Fern's story felt and birthday girl was Jun. I gave her my best words - what I believe she wanted to hear, but I honestly wouldn't know - but sometimes you just need someone to listen. So I listened.

I started to think about how this world revolved and sometimes those stories you watch through dramas don't just happen in dramas. I mean, stories like that must've happened for someone to retell it, right? We don't see it, but each and every one of us are the protagonist of the drama we're playing - our life.

I got so upset this afternoon for something small and stupid, I wonder what I'll be like when I have to go through things like birthday girl did. I honestly felt like crying with her. Just listening hurt in the chest. At this point of life, I haven't lost anyone dear to me yet. How will I be when it happens?
Me and Harith aren't in talking terms right now and its for the silliest thing even he couldn't figure it out - he didn't use the theme I worked so hard for his Tumblr. Stupid boy. But I guess I'm kinda stupid for holding a grudge like this too. I don't even have 'special feelings' for Harith, how will it be if it was my boyfriend? I think too much, honestly. About the trivial things.

I played Confessions again before I got to bed. Without knowing what the lyrics meant or if it even had any relevance to my life, I started to cry. This song is one out of the many songs from the soundtrack of a drama I play the role of a protagonist - my life.

Out.

P.S, did I spell protagonist right?

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

me too.

"I want to stay up late watching movies and eating instant noodles together once day, without parents being there to tell us what to do. I want to run around the streets together screaming like there's nothing to be worried about. Have a full album filled with candid photos.
I want to see everyone 24/7 until I get sick of them and puke on them. "


-Heng Yen Fern

Monday, November 26, 2012

i can't
my arm is shaking i don't even know why but i'm kinda freaked so i'm just gonna let myself rest (even though I've rested a lot i guess I mean rest from the computer or any other technologies) this is kinda weird maybe it's all the fanwar stress and I haven't been eating very well and took two doses of vitamin C at once thinking bout my face but i didn't even have a meal before I took it so
gonna sleep
I feel like I should be writing something.
But there's things to do. I'm not really doing anything bout it though.
I need to practice piano. and do my piano homework. then there's Smart Holiday. I still don't know what to do with my Starstruck application. i have plenty of books (and fanfics) to read but too lazy. i should probably clean the house too but the girls aren't coming until Friday so. I still haven't started tuition anywhere. stupid. mom's offering ten bucks per day if I do chores now. and I'm still so lazy.

I'll just start off with that collab part. it's just a few seconds, hope I'll finish it by tonight.
Out.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Shut up, Elyna.

I don't even care anymore bout who gets offended or whatever those shits didn't care bout who'd get offended when they tweeted all that

I don't even care who wins I like B.A.P more than EXO that's all if B.A.P gets disqualified bcuz BABYs were reported cheating or whatever shitty reason idgaf anymore I'm just worried B.A.P will be disappointed of us when 99.9% of us didn't do anything

2000 votes were casted through that bot out 11mil votes how can that be the reason B.A.P's votes got higher? Please find base to your accusations, who ever did that accusation and I'm presuming its one of the more idiotic EXO fans one of whom were butthurt

I secretly wish B.A.P's votes didn't suddenly get higher because BABYs who didn't care before suddenly cares so much. Including me. Its fucking affecting all of us

I honestly think B.A.P would've won either way because they made more comebacks, making more variety in their music and in of high quality musically, so maybe I can't put this in pretty words but any professional would rate their music a lot, lot, LOT better than EXO's. Not saying that their music is bad. They had one album released which makes the probability a lot less

About the search thingy majig, I really can't tell who'd win it because the search engine only counts on Korean websites but I know EXO would be more popular among teenagers and SM stans but B.A.P made a big name for themselves and they may have not been conquerers of all teenage girls hearts but I'm sure a lot of Koreans are interested in them since they don't invest on the flower boy concepts - just awesome musicality and a strong voice

About albums sales, physically B.A.P might have lost but digitally B.A.P got it strong. I can't say on this department since B.A.P got like 5 albums when EXO only got one but I'm not sure if MAMA only counts for Crash or something

I really don't mind B.A.P not winning this crap because they definitely deserved it either way and they still have a gazillion other awards where they can win this.
BABYs, please stop responding to the EXO fans who are bashing B.A.P and BABYs bcuz that will only mean we had stooped to their level and B.A.P won't be proud of us if they heard this
Plus there are a lot of groups that didn't win the rookie award and still made it big like BIGBANG wouldn't it be better if B.A.P won the EMAs rather than this stupid voting shit that only makes a lot of drama among the fandoms srsly

Earlier in the year I really wanted B.A.P and EXO to make a collab for MAMA. Now I realize there's no hope for that. SM will make EXO do some awesome shit as a 12 and any possibility that B.A.P will do a collab it would be with other rookie groups that don't go up to their standard like Nu'est or BtoB or VIXX
Not meaning that as a bash but really, can you guys really compare B.A.P to a normal rookie group? They are not normal. They've passed the standards of a rookie and being compared to sunbae groups. SENIOR GROUPS OK. BLOCK B. BIGBANG. That might be irrelevant but still, it has happened.

But whatever I'm losing my point. I've even heard a fact that EXO and B.A.P had never made eye contact which makes me sad because I was really expecting their friendship to be like MBLEAST but oh well that's the past. SM will never make that happened. Its the truth everyone knows now.

About the title, I just have all these thoughts and I keep feeling like tweeting them but I fucking can't because I've lost 2 followers and you can say that it doesn't matter and all that and it doesn't but you can't deny the fact that it hurts when you lose followers for trying to state out what you think is right you can't deny it okay.

You can't deny feelings that exist. We're humans and we have feelings and when it happens we might not be able to do anything about it but once in awhile we need to let it out somewhere somewhere because we're humans and we have feelings and sometimes we have too many feelings and keeping all that feelings to yourself isn't good for you because we're humans.

Out.

so... vixx.

Before I start ranting, I just wanna say whoever wins for MAMA, I don't really mind anymore. If all this bashing is gonna happen, it's really not worth it.


Okay now rant bout VIXX. I'm kinda torn about them I mean their song is catchy and all. Everyone from tlist seem to like them and start gaining interest. If I point out my opinions on Twitter they'd call it bashing so I just shut up. But well I just watched this fancam and that opening was fcking cute.





But I guess two things caused me to have this disliking towards them. Firstly, they did the cover thing on M!Countdown and it was like B.A.P (H.O.T) vs VIXX (Sechs Kies) and the song they covered was like, so cheerleader-ish and kinda gay so I didn't like it that much. Except for this one guy who looked like Seo Inguk and Sungjae from BtoB. (and omg I just re-watched it and wow even their lip-syncing is bad) (if you wanna compare this is B.A.P's performance and it even sounds like them the original version was so nasal)

Then the two met again on Show Champion and they had this high-pitch competition thing and well Daehyun wasn't trying to show off what he didn't have I mean compared to that rocker guy from Phantom he obviously lost but this Ken dude just had to do that dolphin noise thing and it was so annoying. Immediate dislike. Then there's the red head dude called Ravi who had a dance battle (at 20:58) with Jongup and did this ballerina turn thing haha. Okay so that's mean but I mean he was against my boyfriend so okay stop Elyna you are being so mean. there's a legit reason I don't like him though - have you ever heard him rap?

Okay this is still mean. I've read anti-B.A.P comments before saying that they think Yongguk's voice is annoying so whenever I have thoughts like "omg Ravi's voice is so annoying and nasal" I tell myself to shut up and thinking like that won't make me any better than those B.A.P antis. but so far, I've only came to interest to that one person - the person who looks like Seo In Guk and Sungjae from BtoB, N.
and I just found out his name like, yesterday.

eh no not this guy
oops not this one neither
yup this... less attractive version of them (doesn't make him unattractive look at how he cutely gets pissed off) (it's the best picture of him that looks like them I can find tbh. Google images, you disappointed me.)

I guess if you want me to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth I started noticing him when behind the scenes he shook hands with Jongup and pushed his shoulder. VIXX were more into the versus thing than B.A.P since B.A.P's so fcking anti-social they barely tried haha. but this guy also caught my attention as what I'd like to call "the-best-voice-in-vixx-in-my-opinion" because different people have different taste. I guess Ken is supposed to be the vocalist but if you watched Rock Ur Body MV N had a lot more lines and definitely sang better imo. and then I found out he's the leader. then I found out he's one of the main dancer too like OMG does he do everything? apparently not. Ravi does the rapping.

idk even when I watch the MV it feels like there were members that didn't get a lot of lines. first impression when someone doesn't get lines : they're not good enough, right? it always happens. but there's always situations like in Teen Top where they didn't get a lot of lines just because. then when someone says "they're not good enough to get lines" the fandom will tell the person to listen to their album tracks - then you'll see that they're actually talented and it's all the company's fault. cliches in kpop, honestly. I'll just assume that they're not good enough since even the chorus of the song was kinda nasal-y so I didn't like their voice in a whole anyway.

I'm just happy no one reads my blog. these are my thoughts - I have things that I don't like too. but I've always said to antis, if you don't like it, just don't listen to it and shut up so right now technically I'm going against my own words. I had to put it out somewhere. who else will be okay with it other than my real life friends who know better than to think badly of me lol
Out.

Friday, November 23, 2012

perks.

Today, I went to One Utama with Nadhrah and Xueh Wei to watch 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower'. it was fun. we ate pretzels for lunch and went around looking for hat shops and Candylicious everywhere. it was tiring, and we slept partial of the way back home. kudos to Nadhrah's brother for sending to and fro >< I know it's bothersome to go to PJ and back to Subang through all that jam but he did it anyway :)

So I bought Jongup's cap. I am not that satisfied bout it, because it was a fitted not a snapback (which he usually wears sobs) and I tried it just now and I'm just hoping it would fit him. it would be a bit tight... sigh. but I really liked the design. it had some Japanese words on it and let's admit it, everything that has something Asian written on it looks cool. plus, it was affordable, original price 39.90, then there was 30% discount so I just paid 27.90 ^^ it was really hard, honestly, because I couldn't find one that looks good enough AND a snapback. then when we went to Candylicious there were no marshmallows of which Xueh Wei was looking for. it was really hard for Nadhrah to find it too haha. but it was fun in a whole ^^

I read Hanis's blog and this paragraph kinda caught me.

But I understand if they change. I really do. I know what it feels like. That happiness,yeah,I can imagine. But after a while,that type of happiness stopped being an actual happiness,you know? Like a happiness that is only on the surface. The sort that makes your heart beat faster and you can't help but smile. That sort. It wasn't that heart touching sort of happy,the one that makes you feel all calm inside. And I feel like if that relationship can't make me feel that way,can't touch my heart and make me feel really happy then why bother?  I think - if I were ever to have a relationship I would want to feel that kind of happy,that happy that makes me calm,that touches me.


You know that thing people say, crying of joy? when the movie was about to end, I cried more than the sad parts. I really had no idea why. maybe because I was so touched. I'd love to feel that feeling. the feeling of 'infinite'. It would mean that there was a moment where I was really, truly happy that it wouldn't matter if I don't feel very happy for the rest of my life on earth. at least I was, at one time. It's just that I'm not really sure when that'll happen. How. What will make me feel happy. And when it comes, I just hope I can manage to acknowledge it, instead of just letting it slip off like that. I really wanna enjoy that moment.

So yea. The movie was amazing. the thing you should do is read the book, love it, then watch the movie. no movie is better than the book it was made from, so you'd probably enjoy the whole 'Perks of Being a Wallflower' experience more if you did that.
Out.

P.S, I'm gonna write a letter to Jongup that I'm gonna send along with the cap, but I'll only write it after MAMA so that I can let him know about all my feelings lol. Plus, I'm gonna ask him to wear the cap when he comes to Malaysia, so if I send it to him too early there's a possibility he'd forget so. And do you guys remember Najihah? she's the friend I made when I went to Pyramid with the girls. she can speak Korean so I'm gonna ask her to translate the letter for me and I'm gonna re-write it (by hand, yes) ^^ it'll be fun.
mom caught me with the cap and she just asked the price and "since when did you wear caps?" but I just kept silent. she didn't ask anything else. it's... probably for the best lol.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

starstruck.

WARNING : TO THOSE WHO HAVEN'T WRITTEN THEIR STARSTRUCK APPLICATION, YOU PROBABLY SHOULD SKIP UNTIL LATER ON.

so this is my... introduction? of myself? Tell me what you think.
[roughly edited]


I’ve always been the type of person that can’t express my ideas very well. I had never thought my ideas mattered, so I would keep silent. Probably it happens for a reason, if my ideas were never heard. That’s what I’ve always thought. That it’s okay.

But do you know that feeling when you have a certain opinion about something, but no one would listen? They hear it once and shoot it down immediately, as if anything that would come from you would never be good enough. And you try to give an explanation, but never given the opportunity to do so. The feeling is very agonizing, but nothing bad had ever come out of it. The ideas used in a certain group project that I didn’t contribute to usually end up okay, if not well. But I would like to know how it would feel like to have my idea being used. Successful or not, at least it was considered and found usable to someone.

I am a writer. I would say I want to be a writer, but I have written quite a lot these past few years. I’m not saying I am already good enough, as there will always be space for improvement. I would like people to listen (or rather, read) the ideas that I have, and learn how to tell people those ideas through my writings. Therefore, a position as a teen journalist on The Star newspaper would be for the best of me, and also The Star itself, as my ideas can be put through for good use.

In getting this position, I will do my best in being committed to my assignments, accept constructive criticism and learn how to improve myself in the long run. I will also fight for the position as an intern in The Star newspaper as it will get me running for my career in the future. I may have a timid personality, but I am honest with my opinions and am passionate with what I enjoy doing – and one of it is writing.

I would also like to learn how to speak up. Maybe the reason my ideas were never heard was because I never took the opportunity to tell them. I find the best medium for me to express what I feel through writing; therefore I feel that being a journalist would help me learn how to express myself better.

I can’t say that I could never imagine myself working for The Star newspaper. I had always been the type to sit in front of a computer and just type all day long – whether it was a story or a school assignment, thoughts flowed through in front of the bright LED screen as my fingers ran across the keyboard, typing in the letters that came across my mind. Therefore, earning the title as a Starstruck writer would be a dream come true for me.

(487 words)


[if you feel like editing it, feel free to edit and email it to me @ lynn_8596@yahoo.com . Copyrighted by me so don't fcking use it for your applications please and thank you]

*********************BLOG POST STARTS HERE***************************

I just realized my blog post bout idol interactions was retarded HAHA well I'll just delete that post since it's so irrelevant to everything. 

Currently listening to Bullet by Steel Train on This Is My Jam. Honestly I don't think I'd fit in but what's wrong with being a hipster on a hipster website, right? oho. Who'd thought of sharing Asian music on this website though. I'd tell you that Japanese music is a lot like most of the music there, maybe slightly heavier, but I guess you'd reply with "But I don't understand it" so okay fine.
I'm planning to do a mix like Korean-Japanese-Korean-Japanese. It'll be fun to figure what type of music I wanna share every week. Plus listening to songs I can't sing to helps when I need to do things that involve concentration like write a blog post or read a book so. Enjoying it.

so today was the class party. Ika picked me up at around 9.45am and we went to school to pick up Loginy. while finding directions to Tropicana Golf Club we were complaining to ourselves how we shouldn't have done it there. but whatever. what's happened happened. Nadhrah and Maryam 'escorted' us to the bowling alley and after all the details, we started playing. Nadhrah was fcking good, scoring over 100 in the first game and around 70+ in the second. the first one seemed like a warm-up for the other group, most of them getting over 50 in the second game. on our side... yea we just threw the ball lol. except Nadiah, who probably had a lot of practice, having a membership and all.

soon, lunch came and we ate and there was a lot of selcas being taken and such throughout. when the bill came, we had to pay an extra RM7.30, which I frown upon since we already gave up our 30 bucks we were supposed to get from the class money. choosing a private area for the class party... really it was a bad idea.

later we went to play at the playground and took a lot of pictures and we went back home at 3.30pm, which was already kinda late since I haven't performed my prayer yet. Ika decided to come back home with me, but then I discovered no one was at home so we walked to my mom's office and I performed my prayer at 4.05pm /facepalm honestly I am so lucky I made it in time. 15 minutes later, the Asar azan sounded lol hmm. we hung around at the office, waiting for my mom and even when my mom came she had work so in the end I went back home when Bakmal came. and we didn't even head home. Abang was like "Na, teman Kak Ain pegi ambik Umar ngan Haris. *sees Ika* Nanti suruh Kak Ain hantar kawan Elyna dulu."

I asked Ika if she wanted to go home (it was 5.15pm, and her brothers were supposed to pick her up at 6 at my house) and she said there's nothing to do at home anyway so she followed us. it was a big mess, honestly, and Ika being there didn't make much of a difference. kids. 
arrived home, prayed, chatted with Ika a bit. she went home and that was practically when my life's excitement went down. slept until like, 9.30pm.

Hubble's sleepover is postponed to the 30th November. yes, the night of the MAMA awards. I hope they can make it, because even last year we wanted to watch it together but it didn't work out. Khairun was the only one who replied so far, saying that she has a high chance of making it. Ika doesn't have tuition or anything. I think Ida has kawad practice, but she can come later on (although it'll probably halfway through the show, since it starts at 4pm). I really hope the others can make it. I was hoping it would be okay since it's the weekdays and their parents would be working anyway but maybe they'd be busy on the 1st (Sat) so idk. praying real hard.

talking bout praying, 28th is coming real fast... since it's technically already the 23rd, five more days to Jongup's results. 

I just read everyone's blogs (everyone meaning Fern, Eva, Xueh Wei, Hanis and Naddo) and well I'm loving the Blogger community that's building up right now. It used to be me and Hanis, back in form 1, and SHL that we build up together. then Hanis dropped out of the Blogger scene but I found pals from school who blogs often like Xueh Wei, from there I got Nadhrah's and Hafizah's then I read Fern's trip to Korea and I started following her. it all seemed to die out when we got to form 3 and Tumblr stepped in, making us lazy to use words and follow the concept "pictures speak a thousand words" and such. it's coming alive again though. yay, I guess. 
'I guess' because it wouldn't really make a difference to my blog since no one really bothers. Ika told me she read my blog silently, so I'm (silently) thankful for that. I read Sya's once in awhile too, but I get sensitive sometimes thinking how Sya can live without us and all that emo shit. even my cousin Akmal doesn't blog anymore, and he was one of my favourite bloggers (although it gets awkward when there's a family gathering since he knows my blog and probably visited it at least once. shit that's embarrassing). 
I believe, there was a point where Blogger was the shit. now, Blogger is just one of the many shits that most people who don't have more than two words to say tend to overlook.

anyway I'll be removing Jonghyun's picture that you see instead of the Blogger icon on your tabs. Probably back to Blogger icon because anything else would be... weird. I can't remember how though, tbh ahah. I'll try my best.
Out.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

personality tests.

so I read Hanis's second blog post (yay she finally made a blog again wheepee) about the personality test and I decided to take it. Honestly I did this a few years ago and I think it was more accurate than this time. I can't remember what it was though. Wait I think I did it earlier this year lol I remember tweeting about how Unbreakable can make everything you do seem epic while taking the test. I think Ika introduced it to me. But I honestly can't remember.

so this time, I got INFP, The Idealist. I read through a few lines of it and well, it didn't sound much like me I guess. there must've been something on the test I did wrong lol. I usually get annoyed easily at those type of analytical tests where you have to weigh every option carefully because most of the time, I really depend on situations. so I probably just breezed through lazily anyway and got it wrong hrm. now that I look back at it, the F-T (feeling-thinking) thing is a close 51-49 so perhaps I'm INTP. it sounds familiar. it probably is.

brahah. it is.

so to find out your own personality type, click here. to find out about INTPs, Google it.

next up, I bumped into this at Tumblr. it's the personality disorder test. I'm actually quite healthy, half moderate, half low. means that I don't have a lot of disorders. means I'm normal. but I think 'Antisocial' deserves a moderate, not a low. especially when I'm around people I don't like. I just don't talk. or approach. or do anything. I guess I watch them but that's creepy.
the only conclusion I can come up with this is because I'm afraid of what people think of me. I find approaching individuals easier than groups of people because that group of people might already be comfortable with those specific people, therefore you joining in might be interfering. like Human Gang. I like most of the people in it, and befriend some of them individually, but when they're together in one group I'm just like "i probably should keep at least 10m distance from them" but I don't. i think our table is about 3 feet apart? 2? we're back-to-back basically.
but like I said, I prefer answering questions depending on situations. Like I have my own groupie - Hubble. so around them I'm just myself, speaking as absent-mindedly as possible because I know they won't judge me. they know me well enough not to.

so, to find out your personality disorder, click here!

Hanis, I expect you to be reading this tbh if not you are one heartless ENFJ.
Out.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

decision.

"We can always make a comeback after your exams, Jongup. It's just that if we start promoting now, there's more marketing strategies that we can go through."

Jongup had his eyes on the coffee table in front of him the whole time Manager Kang was talking to him. The other members were by his side, making a circle. They didn't say anything, listening just as intently as Jongup was, although it wasn't their decision to make. It was Jongup's.

"People knowing you're taking an exam, they would be interested in knowing how well you'll perform after studying so much." The plump manager went on on how starting promotions earlier would rise up sales. "Then we can wrap up the year earlier, and you guys can celebrate the holidays with your families. I know you miss them, so we decided we'd let you all finish up promotions quicker this time. You've done a great job throughout the year. This is gonna be the last of 2012, I promise."

Jongup played with his fingers. He knew. Manager Kang had repeated those lines in different arrangements various times while recording the single. He just didn't think it would be so soon. He had a feeling Healing Camp was just a hoax. Fine, it was fun, but now he's just as tired as ever. And the moment he thought he could open his books just to manage a pass for the upcoming exam, they decided it would be best to release the single right before the big day. Well, roughly.

"But it's really up to you, Jongup. If you want to concentrate on your studies, I won't stop you," the manager reassured. Of course he'd say that, Jongup thought. We all know the answer that he actually wants.

Jongup looked at his team members. They looked at him, waiting for an answer. They weren't pressuring him though; heck Himchan looked at him with a hint of pettiness. Why are they asking a boy to make such a decision, he thought. When he was Jongup's age, the hardest decision he had to make was which sneakers he would wear that particular day.

"What do you guys think?" Jongup finally voiced, looking at Zelo, not having the guts to look at his hyungs while asking this question. Zelo avoided his gaze. He wasn't sure himself, and he wouldn't know what to do if he was in Jongup's position neither. He actually felt slightly relieved it wasn't him who was to make such a decision.

Youngjae was the first to give his opinion. "I think it's better if we just start promotions. So many things are happening, even the slightest distraction would make us slip off people's minds. People are still debuting, you know."

"But out BABYs aren't like that," Daehyun said. "They'd never forget us. Plus we still have BABYs Day."

"We can improve sales if we promoted Hajima during BABYs Day too," Manager Kang couldn't help slip in. The boys felt a slight annoyance - why does sales have to matter so much? - but they didn't say anything to it.

"We're not forcing you, Jongup. It's really your choice," Yongguk told. "But I'll let you know that hyungs are here to help you if you need help with your studies."

"And me!" Zelo pipped in, giving a warm smile to Jongup. The least he could do was give a little support.

Jongup smiled gratefully. He then looked at Manager Kang, slightly hesitant, but he knew what was the right thing to do.

"Let's do Hajima first, then."

Manager Kang smiled joyfully, patting Jongup's shoulders. They started walking back to their dorm as Yongguk discussed promotion strategies with Manager Kang, Daehyun and Youngjae trying to give ideas that would be shot down. Jongup trailed behind, and Himchan went to sling his arms around the younger's broad shoulders.

"Do you think I made the right decision, hyung?" Jongup asked.

Himchan shook his shoulders assuringly. "Whatever makes you happy, Jongup-ah. If you're happy, then it'll always be the right decision."


---


If this really happened, I wonder if Jongup regretted it. I wonder if the huge smile plastered across his face when he performed on M!Countdown was of relief he did the exam well or because he knew people won't judge him if he didn't. Or at least, not his members. Not the company. Not BABYs. I won't. But I will be sad.

I made the decision of not making the finals a serious matter. I took it lightly and now, I didnt get a single A+ and positioned in C/D standards. I didn't tell my mom. She trusts that I kept to my standards. I just don't want to disappoint her.

In an interview, Jongup said BABYs are like B.A.P's second omma. We'll still support them no matter what they do.
But like my mom with my results, I'll also be sad if Jongup didn't get good results. Like Jongup's results, no matter good or bad, it'll be revealed sooner or later. And we both had made a decision that brought us to this point.

After this, I hope the decisions I make for myself would be for the best of mt future. Jongup would be successful with or without a degree. He already has a career. Which is why the decision he makes wont affect him too badly. Or maybe he will have to make bigger decisions later on in life.
But for me, my future is still unclear. To make a decision too bluntly will affect me severely. I have to be more thoughtful. And decisions I make... have to be for the best for all, and not only myself. That's what's most important.
I think.

Out.

P.S, I made it seem like I was comparing it to my life but I actually thought about Jongup a lot more. Blood B types aren't ones to do this but... I wonder if he did as badly to the point that he cried. It is his SATs. It's like SPM. If I didn't do well for SPM I might break down. Might. I wonder how much time he was given to suck it up before he went onstage. While he did his make-up? What if he did his make-up on the way there? That ride from the examination hall to the M!Countdown hall was probably the length of time he was given to change whatever negative thoughts he had into positive ones. That time was given for him to force out a smile.
I hope it was easier with BABYs cheering on for him. I hope we made him feel slightly better. I hope he knows that we all got his back, no matter what happens.

See this is why I shouldn't be blogging ok

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

preview ?





----





Jongup kept his eyes on the floor after loading his gun. Blood smudges can be seen on is clothes and bare skin, his brown hair unruly and dirty. What used to be a round neck under a leather jacket and camouflage-patterned sweatpants are now torn up, revealing his entire left arm which was cut at various places and his right arm from elbow below. His pants were torn at the knees from the several times he had ran and tripped, revealing torn skin. Next to him sitting on the leather sofa was a boy younger to him, but much taller with platinum blonde hair, totally unharmed. The living room they were sitting in belonged to him.

Their parents were gone, but it didn’t mean that they should stop fighting. So far, Jongup had killed three people.

“You’re going back out there?” the boy asked Jongup.

“I have to,” he replied. “They’re after you, Junhong. And until I can convince that they can’t touch you without going through me, I won’t stop.”

“You should take care of yourself.”

Jongup looked up, observing the black spots on Junhong’s neck. He was already infected, and it was obvious that with the amount of time Jongup had spent with him, soon he’d be infected too. But that didn’t change the fact that he had to protect Junhong.

Jongup ruffled the boy’s hair, standing up and starting towards the door. He gave him one last wide smile of his, hinted with a little sadness, and said “Wish me luck.”






----

that was the beginning of the fanfic I'm working on. I really want to write something about a plague or Apocalypse of some sort but I guess I'll base it on my dream that I posted the other day. I hope it's okay, because I'm not getting much ideas on how to write the part where it all began. my vocabulary isn't very good neither, so that doesn't help. 

anyway, I'm here because I've been thinking and I thought I have to let it out somewhere just so that I'd have someone to prove to other than myself (if I kept it to myself, whether I've succeeded in doing it wouldn't be a problem because it's only to myself, get it?). There are some things I don't have to do.
Like I don't have to make covers because well it's not like my voice is really trained or even that good; it's average. not something to showcase, really. Maybe I'll do a cover with Hubble, that I'm confident in because one thing I'm good at is blending in with the crowd, making myself - whether good or bad - unseen. like the other day during Chemistry we were playing that snap game and I didn't lose not because I was good at Chemistry but I was good at cheating like being fast and not really saying much when I made a mistake so no one would notice.
I also don't have to edit videos. Sure it's nice sometimes but I should really just leave it to the professionals like the above. although there are things I would change - it's not perfect of course - but that's what I call a quality edit. I don't stand a chance. so I got myself into this collab and I think that'll be my last edit.

the reason I decided to cut off these things is because I'm finding it hard to find time to do things. one day had already been somewhat wasted (all I would've done at home was go online anyway) because I went out with the girls today. soon I'll be starting tuition. then I tried doing the Smart Holiday but damn, I need to start reading. btw I got 73rd in the whole form. just made it to top 75. I gotta start pushing myself. I'm already at risk of not getting into the top two classes. mom would be disappointed. 

then I have other priorities. Like the fanfic. I think I should stick to what I do best and concentrate on that. even if I wanted to do something else I always have drawing.
and also I have a lot of dramas and animes to catch up, not to mention books. I realized I have about 5 weeks to finish up all my books and at the pace I was reading The Phantom Tollbooth I wouldn't be able to do that so considering cutting off my online time at night and reading my books to sleep.
the other day I was doing my chores while listening to music and I realized I could've watched my drama instead /facepalm so I'm trying to do that - enjoy myself while doing leceh work by watching dramas/animes.
and recently I started reading Kagerou Days... then I have fanfics I wanted to read to get inspiration and see different styles of writings... just that today, so many things are down like Tubmlr and Livejournal so I can't do any of that tonight. well the laptop was with Bakmal anyway I slept and woke up at 2.30am, discovering my brother wasn't in his room so I decided to update myself a little. so here I am now.

well in seven minutes it'll be 4am and I don't wanna miss Subuh again like I had for the last two days (that's six minutes now) so I'll be off then.
Out.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

A dream.

I just had a beautiful dream.

It started off with a climax in this game where you have to find ppl. Somehow there was some problem so all of them were told to gather at the graveyard. There, they announced that a whole family had already died from the plague that was attacking us. I sat near the one of the ready-made holes, looking at it miserably. This family died all on the same day, so they decided to bury them in their backyard. I started thinking bout how one day all of us will be gone. I remembered a week ago the house was still alive and noisy. Would they have thought that they would die in a week? I was doing some dishes when I started crying bout it. Then I noticed my neighbour was outside and she kinda saw me. I wiped away the tears and the focus changed from me to the neighbour. She was wearing a black hoodie over her blonde hair, and had this tag that looks like a backstage pass to something. She and her brother and sister- the sister had blonde hair too, but the brother was more to chesnut - were talking bout the plague as they walked out of the house, on the way to a concert. They noticed cameras around the house and said "what's up with the surveillance?" In the living room, the focus changed to a boy rapping, ignored by his siblings. It was blonde Zelo. He ignored the surveillence cameras, practicing. Brown-haired Jongup (styled like in killing camp ep2) surprised him. He was in the prev game too. I think I sort of remember how the game goes - its like in Infinite's Ranking King ep2 except you get real guns to actually kill your targets. The reason being was to lessen the amount of ppl in the neighbourhood to avoid the sickness spreading from infected ppl. I was playing the game, and the ppl in the beginning, I remember now was Hyosung and Sunhwa. There was a guy but I can't remember. His target was someone else but he found the two covering for her. Anyway after they showed Zelo and Jongup (Zelo wasn't in the game - I think he was underaged or something) Zelo's parents came back home and told Zelo to stop practicing his rap and go study. The two left the living room and focus went to Zelo's mom, who was cross-stitching her and her husband's faces into a scarf. They selang-selikan with the parents next door - I think its mine, but I live behind Zelo so I suppose its Jongup's - who were also cross-stitching their faces. I think this was some goodluck token - if it turns out well, your family won't get infected. Then I woke up.

Idk I just woke up and I thought it was rather nice and I had to jot it down somewhere. First thing I could find was my phone, right? So yea. I was just taking a nap btw. That's why its so short lol.
Out.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

a really long post between real and virtual worlds.

Happy 1st Birthday to baby Haris Danial ^^

I'm not sure of what I should blog about. I guess there was a lot of kitchen work done but the only thing I did myself fully was just the french toast lol. Cut, spread and toasted by yours truly. Kak Ain made a bunch of stuff like popcorn and sausage rolls then her sister did like a caramel cake and chocolate cake (which were later cut into bits and put into cupcake cups(?) in replacement of cupcakes). the night before we made a bunch of tokens with toothpicks and we just randomly stuck it on the food. There Crispy bars to give to the kids too but they were playing with the balloons so much that they didn't even eat a lot. Heck they were dripping from head to toe with sweat lol. There were chocolate bars, cheaper ones that Umar messed up even before the cake was cut lol.

The theme of the party was Dr. Seuss, I think I mentioned a few times around Instagram and Twitter. As usual, Kak Ain was so into the decorations. She did a lot for Umar's first birthday, and tees & hats for the second birthday. I think I get her style now. She likes doing all these handmade decoration things, so like they match and it looks nice. She could be a party planner or something, all decorations handmade. Not everything's perfect though, so there were a few things she forgot like Haris' name banner so we reused Umar's banner and used an E to replace the S using markers lol. It tore a few times because of the boys, too. But it was really nice and worth the effort. I'm impressed with Kak Ain's determination to do all these stuff. Abang says it's leceh and not worth it but I like it. It's fun. The only thing stopping me is lack of money and confidence that people will like it too.
Kak Ain had made all these stuff for weddings and kids' birthdays. She very versatile and I like that. I think if I were her I would've just stuck to one type of decorating because I'm that type of simplistic person who can't really relate to other people's taste lol /sad life

Other food were like, barbeque chicken made by Abang assisted by Bakmal (Bakmal was in charge of cooking lol Abang tends to over-cook anyway then it'll be like 25% burnt chicken lol) then Abang made gravy for it. Mom ordered bihun and cake. Kak Ain's sister also made rojak. Someone made soup (how hard is it to make soup anyway) with the Korban meat and man was it good. Kak Su helped made orange juice lol. After taking pictures, I spent most of the time in the kitchen, washing dishes. It's okay. I like working behind the scenes. It's like, unless you go to the kitchen yourself to send the plates, you wouldn't know who made it possible to eat in a civilized way in the first place lol. And people talked to me casually. short, light conversation that made me feel good. longer conversations usually make me uncomfortable cuz I have to keep thinking up topic to talk about lol.

The cake was nice. It was a rainbow cake. Mom wasn't satisfied with it. Honestly I couldn't get a good look at it since I was still wearing my tudung upstairs when they started singing Happy Birthday and when I got downstairs it was already somewhat distorted thanks to Umar. It had something printed on it, for sure. It was square and covered with somewhat light, cheesy cream. It might be that the cake wasn't really nicely shapped or maybe the printing was weird or maybe it was smaller than expected or maybe the face that it was square just made it awkward, but I thought it was okay. Not worth 100 bucks, but then mom did order from this place in Shah Alam where even the cook is referred to as 'chef'. I guess that's what made everyone even more expectant. As an apology, they gave us a free Oreo cheesecake lol. what's awkward is that in the middle is a bunch grapes /facepalm you don't put frickin fruits on cheesecake okay. especially not on Oreo cheesecakes. that's just awkward. but father-daughter moment when me and Ayah peeked at it and decided to pick and eat the grapes quietly lol.

When almost all the guests had left (Abang Man and Kak Su naturally being the last to leave, always having a cup of coffee before saying goodbye when the sun already left the sky) I went upstairs to clean up but ended up sleeping until 9.30pm. lights were all out so I went downstairs with the laptop and watched tv. Then suddenly mom came downstairs around 11 and started asking me questions (she must've slept through the clean up process too lol) and I tried to answer her but I really couldn't (who cleaned up? not me for sure. what time did Abang Man leave? idk I was probably sleeping at that time. When did the water stopped running? thankfully after you guys finished the dishes huh? uhhh. what time did Abang leave? omg they left too? I thought they're still here). really I felt so bad I thought she was gonna scold me for not cleaning up but apparently she didn't know but then she asked me questions instead sobs

I'll post the pictures on Instagram, probably.

so that's the end of the real world. next is the virtual world. /laughs at self I'm pathetic.
you don't have to read this.

firstly, a bunch of somewhat inspiring videos?






Ryan Higa did this for his 6mil subs and I was going all "aww" throughout. kinda miss the days he did all those advertisement spoofs lol. he's still really, really funny though.







Meet Charlie McDonell.

Then, meet his friend; the guy I'm not really sure the name of.







Aren't they just adorable? sigh. somewhat inspiring.



I say somewhat these days to replace 'kinda' or 'sorta' because those sound kinda negative <-- p="p">
B.A.P also went to see disable children with MissA and damn are they adorable.



Recently I'm starting to see B.A.P more as idols than boyfriend material. Like when I saw this I really think that they're trying their best to look in front of the camera.
No I'm not thinking negatively of them. It's just that no one's perfect. Not everyone can get along with kids. Heck I'm damn awkward with kids. I'm only okay with my two nephews. The thing about idols is that they're supposed to set good examples. They're supposed to appear perfect in front of cameras. Because, after all, they're idols. You'd want people to take after them and adore them ; they're good looking, they're entertaining, and they have good hearts and do good things like charity and not smoke and make advise videos about following traffic rules and eating eggs. That's why when something like a scandal happens, it's a huge thing. Because people start realizing that they're not perfect - they're still human.
Lee Gikwang was once caught smoking on a porch. Sya was so upset about it. she said she didn't expect it from him. she always saw him making advertisements about not smoking and taking care of your health. But she learnt to accept it.
somehow, in my opinion, things like this make me like them even more. I like humans, not idols. Which is why the fact that Himchan didn't appear much in this video made me feel somewhat relieved. B.A.P isn't faking it (other than Yongguk along with Suzy, who I think they tried to make the main point of the video). If Himchan wasn't used to kids, there's no point in faking it so that he'd get more screen time. there is a sense of fakeness in this video, trust me you gotta admit there's no way they made that cake right lol. but I guess that's the entertainment industry. honestly even the dance thing seemed kinda fake but they still look fucking adorable anyway (hence my dp now is adorable little dancing Guppie in an animal suit ehee). but when I saw that glance of Jongup carrying that kid, I felt a little happiness in me. It did seem awkward, like he wasn't used to carrying kids, but the kid seemed like he really did want to be with Jongup cuz his arms were grabbing his shoulders. It seemed more natural. does this make sense?
also I wonder if Suzy was aware that Jongup is one year younger than her but in her year and took the SATs but she didn't. and she was trying to be all angelic with the kids... sigh idk I don't think it's her, I think it's the attention she's getting. even the extra lines she doesn't deserve (honestly think Fei has a better voice than her) and being like the angelic, motherly one in this video... it all seems so fake.

there was a point I liked Lee Jonghyun like I wanted to marry him type of affection but later I knew him better and thought "well that isn't really the type of person I wanna marry." he doesn't really smile at fans at the airport or anything like that. most fans understand; might be tired or something but he does get hate. it's not that he doesn't like his fans, I just think to him it must be annoying that they crowd and make a fuss over him when he's just another human being. I think he likes those fans who comes to his concerts and cheers for him there, genuinely for his music. I mean, he's not making music at the airport, is he? but still. it wouldn't hurt to smile just a bit, right? plus he changes his point of view a lot lol I'm kinda scared of these type of people.
I think one day I'll find reasons to start treating Jongup more of an idol, like I admire him type of affection. One day. When I get to know him better and find human qualities in him.

Ugh why am I talking so much at 4 in the morning.

LAST, recently Jongup mentioned that a female idol that had attracted his attention was Lee Hi. So I decided to watch her performance.






I wasn't in particular interest in her from the beginning. This was the first time I heard the full song, honestly. It's not that I don't like her because of Jongup or adore her because of the same reason neither. Jongup only said she attracted his attention because she's very talented and the song is good and successful.
In my opinion, yes, she's very talented. she has this Amy Winehouse vibe, and I really like the song she did with Epik High 'It's Cold'. But this song doesn't particularly interest me. But she's young too, like what, my age, one year younger? somewhere there. so that's impressive.
But I really dislike people who started shipping these two just because Jongup made that statement. you know, that's what most shows do. they ask these type of stuff so that delusional fans would think of every romantic thing possible going on between the two. they're idols, for fuck's sake. things are done professionally in most parts of the industry. not everything is a romance novel, you fools.


I'm ranting aren't I well okay that's all then don't go too far into that drama and spoil it for me, okay Fern
Out.

oh shit I forgot mentioning checking out D-Unit because B.A.P was supporting them and all. they're good, check 'em out. still thinking whether I like them to the point of downloading their songs though lol

Thursday, November 8, 2012







I'm just so proud of Moon Jongup okay. It's just that he's improved so much, and gotten so many lines now, exchanging parts with Daehyun and Youngjae in the chorus. It just feels so nice; like I won something. no, that's not it. it just feels... really touching. Like, I've followed B.A.P since debut, and Jongup really doesn't get any major lines, but now it feels like he actually has a role to play in the album tracks. I'm just so proud of him.

Somehow, I've got so many Jongup feels today I don't even understand it myself.
Out.

mask.






not mine.

so. I asked my brother to read Mask. he commented "interesting story, believable and a taste of slight heart warmth in it. good job". I asked him just now if that was it and he said "Sorry." He doesn't even realize how much he played a part in writing that...

in other stories, I finally signed up for my first ever collab for kpop editing. I'm gonna do Daehyun for part 4 of this. I wanted to talk about school too but it's slightly too late now and I wanna get started on The Phantom Tollbooth. basically, I've gotten worse from before, but I'm still 61 in the whole form. I'm just hoping my A in English would bring it up a bit. and hopefully Sejarah isn't too bad (hopefully). I'm just praying hard right now.

talking bout praying, Moon Jongup finally finished his SATs. He managed to come in time to perform on M!CountDown, and this motherfucker brought his backpack along on stage and started showing off his fucking exam slip and making me laugh like crazy. I really don't understand how anyone can be this adorable really I can't.


I hate his face.
And I would like to mention (since I already mentioned this on Twitter but no one noticed) that Guppie has a teddy bear chain on his bag.
ehem.
Exhibit A.


This is my bag. Most of you are probably familiar with it. Recently, the teddy had lost his red glasses (ok that's a lie it came off and now I'm keeping it in my pencil box until I find some UHU glue). But whatever. The two of us have a teddy bear chain on our backpack.

Does anyone else thinks this screams "fate"?

I don't wanna be too delusional I mean I bet there's like a bunch of other Cheetos' who has teddies on their bags too and like that one was probably given by a fan and imagine what that fan is thinking right now like he brings that bag to school every day.
I can only conclude that if we were ever to meet in real life and come acquainted, me and Moon Jongup would probably be good friends.

Too bad that'll never happen.

So my class is gonna have a class party at Tropicana Golf Club on the 22nd. Apparently Nadiah has membership there so we can use the bowling alley and have lunch there too ^^ just some bonding time. Ika wanted to go swimming too, and at first I wanted to follow her, but now that I think about it I might be too tired and would rather much just go home after that lol. but still. a swim sounds refreshing. hmm now I'm reconsidering lol plus at least I get to go back home with Ika.. maybe I'd stay around, but if I swim or not depends on the people around lol.
23rd is the concert after the orchestra's music camp. I still haven't asked mom if I can go. 
24th and 25th, I'm planning to have a sleepover with Hubble. We're planning to go have lunch at Paradigm's Seoul Garden then come back at my place, sleepover then they can go back home the next day. Ain needs to get back early anyway, and we don't wanna lock Aina up for too long neither so. 
I miss Sya. haven't heard from her for awhile. the boarding school probably haven't started their holidays neither. can't wait to see her on 17th ^^ she tweeted us that she wants to hang out on that day, but some people can't come so we decided we wouldn't be doing much on that day.

#np I'm in Love - Ra.D (Piano remix)

I want to write more these holidays. more fanfics that are inspired by music. I wanna write something that'll touch people. but there's so many plans this holidays. my mom told me she'll give me allowance just for practicing my piano. she said that she wants me to teach piano as a part time job after SPM, but she knows I'm not that good neither so she wants me to go back to basics so that I can teach 7,8 year olds. I don't know what my opinion is about this.
I'm also planning to go for tuition. then there's a bunch of books I bought from Scholastic, thinking I would spend my days at home, doing nothing. then I lined up a bunch of dramas and animes to watch too. I just realized I packed myself with stuff I probably won't have time to finish during the holidays.
Ika keeps mentioning how she has to start studying for form 5 already, and her tuition already started on form 5 subjects. it makes me feel a bit left back. like, can't we just have a little bit more of the form 4 essence? I feel like everything went so fast, and all I felt this year was between giving up on being educated and stressing to keep up with my classmates. all that was mixed up with prioritizing B.A.P too. it's dangerous, but if I can control myself with this, then I can control myself in anything. so I will go through it. I'll never give up on B.A.P. I know I can balance both. I'm a smart girl. I can do it.

I realized I used the word "essence". I used it in the DaeJae too. "Essence of Youth". I don't even know what youth is anymore. suddenly, I feel so small among my teachers and my parents and my brothers. compared to them, I haven't been through much. who am I to decide what I should do with my life? I should probably go with the flow. but dreaming... there's nothing wrong with that, right? that's the reason fictional writing exists - people wish things could happen, that things would happen, but in reality they know it'll never happen, so they share their dream with others through fictional writing. or creative writing. either one, it's the same right?
I wish I had a beautiful enough dream to share with people, so that they'd understand what I feel. I think I've found my guilty pleasure though. I find pleasure in knowing that people don't understand. it means I'm different in some sort of ways. I'm not like everybody else. I hope. 

Out.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Layer Meme



LAYER ONE: THE OUTSIDE
- Name: Lynn
- Eye Color: dark brown
- Hair Style/Color: shoulder length, black
- Height: 154cm 
- Clothing style: Jeans, tees and cardigans.
- Best physical feature: my... hands, i guess?
LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE
- Your fears: house lizards, death of a close relative
- Your guilty pleasure: does shipping people count?
- Ambitions for the future: writer. that's it tbh
LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS
- Your first thoughts waking up: i love you pillow, but i have a life too :c
- What you think about most: if i'm gonna be happy in the future
- What you think about before bed: if jongup's asleep or going to sleep or still awake
- You think your best quality is: my ability to think of both marrying a korean guy and saving the world from corruption at the same time
LAYER FOUR: WHAT’S BETTER?
- Single or group dates: single after third date
- To be loved or respected: to love is to respect?
- Beauty or brains: brains
- Dogs or cats: cats
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
- Lie: most of the time, no. i'm really honest ok
- Believe in yourself: ....maybe
- Believe in love: yes ^^
- Want someone: well, when the time comes I'll have someone.
LAYER SIX: EVER?
- Been on stage: yes. once.
- Done drugs: nope
- Changed who you were to fit in: i can't remember. not recently
LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES
- Favorite color: blue, black, white, lavender, sometimes red and recently green
- Favorite animal: cats, hamsters uwu so cute
- Favorite movie: Bridge to Terabithia. period.
- Favorite game: Kingdom Hearts 
LAYER EIGHT: AGE
- Day your next birthday will be:  Wednesday
- How old will you be: 17
- Does age matter: yea well kinda i guess. depends.
LAYER NINE: IN A BOY OR GIRL
- Best personality I like: have a sense of humour, considerate, responsible.
- Best eye color I like: do i have choice
- Best hair color I like: "
- Best thing to do with a partner: talk.
LAYER TEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE
- I love: too many things people just don't get
- I feel: kinda sleepy [school tomorrow]
- I hide: my real thoughts 
- I miss: daylight (how is it already night time already omg I barely did anything today)
- I wish: Moon Jongup would just marry me and we'd live happily ever after without anyone disturbing us

Sunday, November 4, 2012

hard to say i love you.

So I decided to start watching this drama Jonghyun recommended. tbh I've downloaded it a long time ago but never got to watching it. but now that I've started, I kinda regretted it. but I think the timing is just perfect c: cuz if I watched it earlier, I might not get some of the things that I can relate to now.

#np Never Give Up - Bang&Zelo.

so I've watched the first 2 episodes. I figured it was enough, since it made me take 2 hours to fold the laundry lol. mom was pissed. The first episode already made a good impression, the first scene being the present, already heart-stopping. then they went back to the past, on how this all began. with four Twitter friends meeting up at a bar in Shibuya.

The four friends are Haru, Nakaji, Linda and Doctor. (these are all usernames) previously, they show how Haru and Nakaji had already made an encounter, making a bad first impression. Apparently Haru has a crush on Nakaji, and was hoping that this meeting would turn into a real life relationship. but in getting to know him better, she found out that Nakaji already had a woman in his life. Also, their meeting had Doctor falling for Haru, who was apparently quite kawaii. It also created a friendship between Linda and Hikari, a friend of Haru that she brought along (see, even Japanese people don't feel comfortable meeting up with guys alone like how do Malays do this I don't understand) . They sort of kinda had a one-night stand? I didn't really get it but I guess they got to a hotel but Hikari didn't wanna do it and they agreed they'd just stay as friends.

so. The day after they got to the character's real lives. apparently Doctor isn't really a doctor after all. he was just a salesman who sold things to doctors. or at least, try to. Hikari, an air-stewardess, could be pregnant of a married man's baby, who wouldn't admit its his and had 'promised' he would get divorced with his wife to marry her. (of course it's all a lie, and Hikari isn't stupid to believe this). They also revealed that Hikari had previously cut her wrist a lot. Linda (it's a guy btw lol), a magazine editor was being seduced by his Editor-in-Chief and later that night he found out that he was only given that position because of his looks. I swear it's so heart-breaking. Nakaji's 'woman' was actually a married woman and they were having an affair. He also wasn't working for Vogue as he claimed. he was a photographer for a slanky playboy magazine. Haru was only a part-time teacher (also an air-stewardess, but taking a break) and is accused by a senior teacher that she was trying to win her students through popularity. there was also a student who is really freaky and watching her like a hawk, who also has whom I think is a girlfriend. Haru's younger brother has a history with heroin, and I think he's still addicted. Haru's mother met an old boyfriend and is meeting him a lot recently, who turns out to be Nakaji's relative (there's no definite relationship between them right now, except that Nakaji had been giving him money and the resemblance so I think it's his father idk).

Hikari then decided to make a Twitter account too, calling herself Peach. she tweeted about killing herself (it said "I will now go to a state of darkness" I'm not sure how they could interpret that lol) so the whole gang went to save her. she told the gang that she wants to be reborn. the guys then confided each other. Doctor asked, "do you guys really have friends?" all three realized that they don't, and that that was the reason they made a Twitter account in the first place. so they decided, they would be each others' friends.
Doctor also found out that Linda's father owns a hospital. the next day, Doctor asked for his help because if his sales didn't go up, he would be fired and he couldn't support his sister. Linda said that this wasn't a good basis for friendship, and I was crying watching how desperate Doctor was ;~; also, it revealed that the creepy student was trying to target Haru's brother. as in selling drugs to him. that night, all five friends went to the bar again and had a good time. at that time Haru was about to vomit and Doctor came to help her but she said she couldn't vomit in front such a pretty face (lol) and called for Nakaji. later when the two girls went to clean up, Linda said that girls can't vomit in front of guys they like so Doctor naik syok la ape lagi. Nakaji decided he'd do them a favour and gave both of them tickets to a movie secretly and Haru really didn't like it because ya know, she didn't like Doctor. she liked Nakaji.

Peach confided Linda saying that she feels really lonely. Linda was pulled into having an affair with his (may I mention old and unattractive) Editor-in-Chief or else he'll lose his job. Nakaji also confided Linda to help him get a job at his magazine. at this time, Nakaji had what Koreans would call 'skinship' and Linda was somewhat attracted (I think he's gay). did I miss anything? oh and Linda decided to help Doctor and went to see the father he hadn't met for years ^^

so the reason I like this drama is because all five of them are essentially lonely and confided in strangers through Twitter. that offline meeting was how their life started to change. they're all from different backgrounds but they get along so well. Because when they're in hardship, these are the friends that are there not to lessen your burden but to help you feel better about those burdens and make you stronger to confront them. so I'm sure there's more complicated stuff to happen, especially between Haru and Nakaji since they could be siblings and Linda since he's gay. I don't know about the other two though.

Things I haven't mentioned : Doctor is played by Kim Jaejoong and I think this creates a huge bias for me lol. and Doctor's supposed to be Korean anyway. in a whole I just think this is really sweet. scenes like Doctor wanting to take pictures. the first one was a group photo, but he said he wanted to take another but in reality it was a picture of only Haru. I was screaming. I can't say it's a must-watch just yet but so far, so good :3 I just hate the lovers-are-siblings cliche ugh.
So yea. I just spoiled everything to you ehee.

Out.
maybe it's because i acted like i didn't care
i didn't say anything because i didn't wanna sound whiny
even if he was at home its not like we'd sit together and talk and laugh
but i really did wanna ask him something just now
but before i got the chance he left saying he wanted to buy 'something to smoke'
i thought it'll only be a short while
he did say 2 minutes
if i knew he was going out for a long time i would've asked him about it first
now it's killing me
like maybe he did mean 2 minutes but something happened
like an accident or something
what if my brother is actually unconscious in the hospital right now
but they couldn't get in contact with the family just yet
it rained and i got all the fans switched on
it feels so cold
the only warmth is from the laptop
i hate this
misunderstanding with ika again
i wanna explain but i don't wanna seem arrogant
it's so embarrassing
maybe i shouldn't have done that
i think too much about ***
and maybe it's starting to get weird to her
ugh why am i so awkward with humans
it feels like i don't have a life nor do i have friends
i'm just alone
just me
and my laptop
i can't even speak my mind
and when i do in posts like this i keep wishing someone would actually read it and care about me
but who the fuck am i kidding
no one actually cares
no you don't care
if you cared... you'd know what to do
to make me feel better
because even i don't know what'll make me feel better
guilt guilt guilt every single time
it's killing me
i can't live if guilt keeps eating me up
like when will i get something i want or need without having guilt building up inside
towards the person who gave me that thing
it's just... ugh

Out.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

broken.

So... I feel kinda bad that Fern wrote a post to cheer me up but I didn't do anything for her cuz well at that time she said to not say any cheesy shit to make her feel better.

Well I'm not gonna say any cheesy shit. Just dedicating this drawing to, not you, but Jun eheh. I like him and when he appeared in the story I smiled.
So, for Jun, I hope you feel better Fern.

No cheesy motivational words, right?
Out.
P.S, the words are supposed to say "why is it so cold?" My crappy photography ugh. Plus I think you can hint the matoki there.. it was squeezed somewhere in between realism sketches so ><" /shot


Friday, November 2, 2012

I'm back on track.

So I re-downloaded Instagram and Blogger app so now I am officially lifeless and devoted to my phone HURRAH

----

Me and you
We are real here
Even though we look into each other's eyes, holding hands with each other
I feel we're unreal
General love is a pricky tie

I wanna go to the sea, I wanna hear seagull cries
City noises vanish behind my back
I walk wearing a straw hat low over my eyes
The wind drops in a blink again

With my dark blue heart
Like a bird singing for the sky
I wanna take you away
As I spread my angelic wings

On a night we looked for the lost dream
What came in sight is
A flock of crows around corpse with grief
If we find the lost dream
Our life will be better, so

Baby now, I just wanna see the light
Where is the promised land?
In the endless sky
I fly vaguely with you

The moon illuminates pale
If only we could go back to the old days...

If trailing clouds don't vanish
And lead us to the wrong way,
I'll shoot them down with my missile

We grind against each other
Let us burn down
The insane unwaking dream

The world is the phantom
Everyday is transient
As we fly off a tower,
I can't let you see my tears at dawn
Otherwise the world is likely to ruin

Baby now, I just wanna see the light
We're still looking for the promised land
In the loveless sky
We keep struggling

I wanna fly higher than the sun
If only I could paint the world red...

If a dark painted spiral intoxcates the silence
I'll shoot it down with my missile

The light that is too bright to see
burns down the insane unwaking dream