Sunday, November 4, 2012

maybe it's because i acted like i didn't care
i didn't say anything because i didn't wanna sound whiny
even if he was at home its not like we'd sit together and talk and laugh
but i really did wanna ask him something just now
but before i got the chance he left saying he wanted to buy 'something to smoke'
i thought it'll only be a short while
he did say 2 minutes
if i knew he was going out for a long time i would've asked him about it first
now it's killing me
like maybe he did mean 2 minutes but something happened
like an accident or something
what if my brother is actually unconscious in the hospital right now
but they couldn't get in contact with the family just yet
it rained and i got all the fans switched on
it feels so cold
the only warmth is from the laptop
i hate this
misunderstanding with ika again
i wanna explain but i don't wanna seem arrogant
it's so embarrassing
maybe i shouldn't have done that
i think too much about ***
and maybe it's starting to get weird to her
ugh why am i so awkward with humans
it feels like i don't have a life nor do i have friends
i'm just alone
just me
and my laptop
i can't even speak my mind
and when i do in posts like this i keep wishing someone would actually read it and care about me
but who the fuck am i kidding
no one actually cares
no you don't care
if you cared... you'd know what to do
to make me feel better
because even i don't know what'll make me feel better
guilt guilt guilt every single time
it's killing me
i can't live if guilt keeps eating me up
like when will i get something i want or need without having guilt building up inside
towards the person who gave me that thing
it's just... ugh


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