Friday, November 2, 2012

no one ever listens.

I can't really explain what I'm feeling right now. It's always the same feeling right after I finish writing something. People say don't expect too much, or you'll be disappointed. I wasn't expecting anything. I wasn't expecting all of them to fall in love with it or say "It's so good!" I wanted discussions.

There's actually a lot of things that inspired me to write Mask. one of them was my brother. when I heard Charlie Brown I was kinda reminded of my brother.

"Stole the keys
Took the car downtown where the lost boys meet
Took the car downtown and took what they offered me
To set me free"

My brother was a naughty kid. He was messed up. He drove the car without permission back when he was my age. He smoked. He did marijuana. But now that I'm at the age he was when he did it, I can see why. I just don't see the need.
I understand. He wants to live a life that he leads. He wants to do things he likes to do, and things that makes him happy. And to be honest, I want to do that too. The difference between me and him is that I'm thinking about the future, while Bakmal only thought of the present.

"Live your life like you're dying."

But you're not. Sure, anyone can die at any minute. God can take your life at any second, any time He wants to. But thought still needs to be implied into it. Do you wanna waste your life ruining your body? Killing yourself slowly, for that good feeling that lasts, what, as much as your money can pay for it?

But see, most teenagers don't really think that way. They just want to enjoy the moment when they're still young. When you're in the middle of childhood and adulthood. In between when you're stupid and when you're wise and responsible. These are supposed to be the best years of your life. We'll be looking back, wanting to be young and stupidly wise again. And by then, it's too late.

Daehyun was like me. We thought we were already responsible to take on the world. We knew what we had to do to survive - too smart for our own good. In the end, would Daehyun be happy? Does he really want to fight the right way, or does he just want to ignore that bullshit and leave it be?
Youngjae was like Bakmal. When he wants to do something, he will do it without thinking much. Difference is that Youngjae is a lot smarter than Bakmal. Bakmal was in the influence of both friends and drugs, not to mention a weak faith. Youngjae at least kept his mental state healthy. But in the end, both enjoys life and lives to lead themselves, easily blocking away the bullshit and only seeing people that really mattered to them. (although it's sad to think that I'm at the same level as Bakmal's friends - I'm blood after all - Youngjae left his family without a word.)

Krystal's guilt... also came from my guilt. I did something I was guilty of. I wanted to share a story where I can show how much guilt can kill you inside.

Daehyun was in a dilemma. He loved his sister, but was he going to take a life for her?
But Jongup was already ready to die. He didn't have anything to lose. His life had already fell apart. It was easier to be killed by someone that he shared some time with and cared for, even if for awhile. It was the most meaningful time he had ever since his father was killed. And he was thankful to Daehyun for it.

Sometimes... I just wanna share these type of things with people. But there seems to be no one listening. I like talking to Yen Fern because she seems to understand and she responds. But I can't keep depending on her to talk to. She has her own life. I just can't manage to find someone who means to me as much as I mean to her.
I've tweeted once "no one ever listens." at that time I wanted to play a song in the car because the radio wasn't playing and it was even an English song so that my parents won't be annoyed but when I played it my mom immediately switched on the radio. It was really sad. I told her I wanted to listen to this and she said go ahead and listen, I want to listen to the radio. But there's a difference. I wanted them to listen to it too.

I started noticing how this applies to a lot of happenings. It's as if no one really cared to listen. When will someone care?

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