Wednesday, December 5, 2012

note to self.

why do I have to constantly remind myself that my life isn't as boring and empty as it seems?
okay it might be boring but 2012 isn't over yet. there's still things to do, deadlines to follow and places to go.

SUPER LONG POST BEWARE
so school stuff first. I still have to do smart holiday, although I'm somewhat convinced that it won't be asked for next year, or even it is I'm doomed anyway because I don't have my English worksheet. this is supposed to be good for me, so I will do it. one day or another.
tuition started and I'm a bit lost but I think it's sort of like when Ika missed a whole bunch of classes because of PGL. I'll catch on soon. tomorrow's BM and I'm considering skipping because reason below.

I haven't practiced the piano this whole week and I also have homework to do. Free counterpoint (I had to check). it's not that hard but next Sunday we're starting on modern chords. teacher told me that I can skip grade 7 theory because she wants me to concentrate on practical. she's trying to give me more songs to explore, but I have to be more serious or else we won't be able to achieve her aim, which is to finish the whole Christopher book then choose pieces I'm best at for my exam. I think we've finished like 40%, which is not fast enough for me to finish at least three months before the exam. I need to concentrate, finish one by one, check check check, then just choose the pieces in March and start practicing properly then.

so it's kinda obvious at this pace none of that will work.

and I can't miss out homework because that will only mean time that could be used for practical is consumed for me to finish my homework which isn't fair for the practical division. if I miss out BM, and I fully put my mind to it and not make excuses to not practice, I can catch up the practice time I could've spent the past three days. thing is, it's the first BM lesson so it's not very nice to skip. I'll just go for awhile. honestly, in class one and a half hour doesn't feel very long.

so school, piano, check. next?
I went to watch Rise of the Guardians yesterday with my brother. it was kinda awkward, and I called it myself a movie date but I know Bakmal doesn't like to think so since it'll be awkward. not that we feel anything, but because people around look at us. it's kinda embarrassing. I don't know how it'll be like when I actually go on a date with a guy. which is why I think group dates are better. it's not very personal.
anyway people who look at us at one glance would think we're dating but if you look closely we look similar and what guy who dresses like Bakmal would date a girl who dresses like me lol we're not very compatible tbh. the guy at the tickets in Tropicana was good looking, and I think he had a brother who was in a slightly higher position because he was wearing a black shirt instead of the red the others were wearing. anyway I think they're part-timers so later when I'm watching Life of Pi (which I WILL, trust me I'll drag someone along with me) (Fern I'm talking bout you) (Xwei are you reading Naddo? let's go for another movie omg) I wanna go to Tropicana again because I wanna see him again ehee. honest, he's so cute.

oh and after the movie we went to the washroom and I was still thinking bout the movie and Bakmal was wearing a hoodie and damn he looked like Jack Frost from the back. other than the the black hair and dark skin and bad teeth.
I wanted to watch the movie with Sya honestly, she thinks Jack Frost is good looking too but lol sorry Sya.
oh and if no one wants to watch Life of Pi with me I'll just drag Kak Ain one of these days. she said it's been awhile since she went to watch a movie so I'll pick some random day and ask her if she's free and we'll just go during her lunch break. she never gets a break because of her kids, so I think I'll be doing a favour c:

so many movies, I'm not even watching the animes I downloaded, and my books are getting abandoned.

NEXT. Kpop shiet.
so this is gonna sound so ridiculous and delusional and you're gonna think "wow Elyna really likes this guy we should tell her it'll never happen" but don't worry guys I am delusional and ridiculous and mad in love but I know it'll never happen. I'm gonna sound stupid because I've never been in relationships and my crushes are dumb and I base my quotes from comics and teen fiction novels and dramas. but I can like whoever I want to like, it's my option and whether anything happens or not, I'm sixteen years old and next year I will be seventeen and these years are gonna pass and we will never notice it and soon we'll wonder, what did I do to live those moments? and I will look back and remember how ridiculously in love with a Korean idol who probably had hundreds of girls who head over heels in love with him too but I was the one who sent him a cap I had a hard time choosing, special for him to wear when he comes to my country; a letter I wrote in English, re-typed, had my friend translate and re-write it again in Korean so that he will be able to read my own handwriting; and a mix-CD, sincere from my heart, made with my own hands from choosing the songs to burning the CD to making the booklet. I did all this for a person I cared for; whether he gave back that love or even acknowledge it, I may never know but I am young, and I will never get the opportunity to do these things anymore in the future. It may be because I won't have the passion for it anymore, or maybe I just don't see the point of it, but I know I won't. Because I won't be a teenager anymore. I won't be stupid anymore, I won't be young and raging in hormones.
I don't want to look back at the times I was still young and free and see that all I've done was cram for exams and think about the future and how I'll survive. I used to think about it a lot, but I don't want to anymore. I know I'll regret not studying, so I will. but I won't regret going through all this for Jongup. for youth.

do you guys see what I was trying to express through Mask?

sigh. anyway the girls found out that EPOP's 2013 calendar is RM19.90, and coincidentally I went to Amcorp and I freaking saw it. it was HUGE. totally worth 20 bucks. but I'll need to claim my allowance from mom before I buy it lol. saving the money I have now for the shipping expenses for my gifts. yea I have no idea why I'm doing all this when it probably won't mean much to them but I'm gonna do it anyway.

oh wow how suiting #np Barefooted Youth - Buck

oh and I decided to call the mix-CD "Are You Listening?" it's something else in Korean, I asked this person on Twitter to translate it for me so I got it down. there's a deep meaning to it, honest. hmm let's see, 2 Malay songs, 3 Korean songs, mostly English and a few Japanese. 15 in total. the CD fits more but I don't see where they'll find the time to listen to it honestly.

what else? I wanted to draw Naddo and Fern's portrait as a late birthday gift, since I'm trying to practice realism anyway but school's coming so fast, don't know how much it's worth anymore in 2013 lol. went to Tesco the other day and mom asked if I wanted to buy uniforms and I confidently said no, I don't want to buy anymore uniforms. I will wear my worn out baju kurung and tudungs and my torn shoes. by form 5, people already know you and know better than to judge you by the way you dress. it's just school after all. in the end they're always the same clothes over and over again. but it also reminded me that it's the last year and wow, I'm actually that old, old enough to think about college and shit. people won't go "aren't you a little too young to think about that" because no, I will be taking SPM this year, and I can think about the future as much as I want to now, I am worthy of it.
but leaving school seems to tear me a bit. SSP was hard, but Sri Aman will be harder. because this is where I spent the days I was most emotional in. there's a lot more memories, happier ones. it's gonna be hard, but everyone leaves one day.

and oh man, I just realized we're gonna find out how we did for our Japanese exam soon. holy crap get your minds together guys, this is really it. I don't want to fail. I don't want a C. I want a B, or better. please please please.

I think I can write a whole post about youth honestly. even if I don't get a position in Starstruck, I'd really like it if they gave me like a special or something lol.
Out.

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