Sunday, December 29, 2013

they were just extras.

It's realistic as fuck don't argue.

Manager: Guys, we have to go to this recording in between your Japanese tour.


Manager: aw guys come on, it'll just be for a short while. you just gotta stand there and sing the lyrics they give you. that's all.

Daehyun: But we have to fly back to Korea.

Youngjae: just for one stinking recording where we do nothing.

Jongup: *whispers to Zelo* there'll be people...

Junhong: oh shit.. people.. we don't have to talk to them, right?

Jongup: i don't think so.. even if we do we have the hyungs to manage it, don't worry..

Junhong: ah, thank god I'm the maknae.

Yongguk: is there any way at all we can avoid this?

Manager: well I already said you guys will come so--

Himchan: WHAT


Youngjae: WE HAVE TO GO FOR NO REASON AT ALL my life is terrific.

Manager: HEY, just go. you're getting paid just by showing your faces. that's all I ask. you go and leave.

Yongguk: yea guys, it's for a cause anyway. we'll be back in Japan to finish up our tour in no time. we can't back out. no more troubles, okay?

Others: okay..

-in Korea-

B.A.P: *enters a room full of KPOP artists* *bows politely, smiles not seeming to appear as sincerely as they tried to be*

Himchan: [look at all these people who're as pretty as I am.. i feel threatened]

B.A.P: *gets escorted to somewhere in the corner of the stage*

Daehyun: *whispers to YJ* we're behind SHINee...

Youngjae: behind.. way behind

Daehyun: gotta stay away from SM germ after all *snickers*

Youngjae: that's racist man

Daehyun: shut up idiot it's not racist it's companist... get it? company-ist kekeke

Youngjae: racist sounded better

PD: Okay, we're going to start the shoot now! look as natural as possible, and refer to the lyrics if you forgotten them. you've been practicing, right?

Jongup: *whispers* what practice lol I only heard the song like once

Daehyun: just pretend you know the song, we only got the chorus anyway


others: ...

*shooting starts*

B.A.P: lol wtf are we doing here

Himchan: *gossips to JU*

*camera finally turns to them*

Himchan: [oh shit got off-guard]

Yongguk: [wow this is a really great beat wow i love music wow life is so beautiful this song is beautiful]

Jongup: [don't. make. eye. contact.]

Daehyun: [am I in the shot??]

Youngjae: [we're just whispering.. and apparently I'm an invisible ghost voice]

*camera turns*

B.A.P: [ha ha we got two seconds in the whole song ha ha let's just go back to Japan now ha ha]

PD: okay let's get that from another angle, okay?

B.A.P: [fucking hell] [except yongguk] [yongguk loves to jam]

-SBS Gayo Daejun-

Junhong: so where on stage do we go?

Youngjae: exactly where we were in the studio

Himchan: far off at the back

Daehyun: in the shadows

Jongup: ok but there's a bit of space there

Daehyun: go then

Youngjae: by yourself

Daehyun: go, go *pushes Jongup*

Jongup: hyuu~ng..

Junhong: [it's ok hyung i'm here for you]

Jongup: :D look at your scarf it's taller than you

Junhong: you mean longer dumb hyung

Jongup: no taller because if you unfold it it's probably about 200cm. TWO ZERO ZERO~

[continues clapping along to the song, trying to be enthusiastic and waving to fans]


I'm not trying to be offensive but this is how I see things that're going on. B.A.P's from a whole different world and because they are labeled as KPOP idols they are presumed to act as KPOP idols even though they feel that they are different from the others. B.A.P does have an ego, in my opinion. but that ego also comes with the fact that they don't want to be like everyone else. they want to be special. and tell me you've never wanted to be special before.

I also wanted to show how the industry wanted to have irrelevant idols to join in just to get more viewers. It's not just the KPOP industry, I know, it's the whole entertainment industry all over the world that use small tactics to get more popularity. it's marketing strategy really and I guess when you're doing business you can't be all innocent and nice. but let's face it; B.A.P and BEG were totally irrelevant in this project. even Sunmi got like one phrase - what's the point? plus the fact that B.A.P were touring at the moment. aren't they tired out enough? couldn't they have gotten someone who were already in Korea? I didn't see Nu'est anywhere. seriously, they're such an underrated group. I wouldn't mind them taking B.A.P's place if B.A.P gets to focus on what they really want to do instead of joining in on these irrelevant collaborations.

(honestly I think TS plays a huge role in making these boys suffer between getting 'freedom to do their music' as long as they follow the scheduling that the company has made for them. it hurts.)

the power of words.

I'm just so touched with the comments on Black Flies on AFF. kinda reminds me why I love writing fanfic so much - immediate response, personally from people whom I don't even know. some of them make me realize that sometimes words can just change you. makes me both scared that I'll write something that will change someone negatively, but also proud that I can make people see things that they've never thought of before. but before I have the right to change people, probably I should consider that I'm not a person who can say I've gone through enough to do that... but probably, a lot of writers are like this.

writers tell stories. but I think, somehow, in the way we tell it, we can make different people feel different things... and I think, the power of words itself helps us do that, if we use it the right way. some people misuse words and some people don't know how to use it to express themselves. but to me, this is how I say "I'm happy" or "I'm sad". and I'm glad I've been able to do that so far.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

sketch #2 - hand practice

Reference might be slightly misleading, but it's there.
Did some hand practice because I SUCK. it started when I was trying to draw someone holding a notepad open and i'm like lol wtf is perspective man idk where the hands go at all. so I started with this picture. it's just that hands are so flexible and it works with perspective because of it's many crooks and bending and illusions like ugh one of the hardest things to draw. I don't think these were bad but there's more practices to come before I can actually draw hands doing things without references one day.


Sunday, December 1, 2013

"So he became a writer, and he wrote about that dancer who he loved and cast away. The innocence that crumbled in his hands, inevitably. People gathered and paid for the pity party and it made him rich and famous and sad—someone called him miserable, once—and he wrote more about corroding dreams and despair and moon-watching from well bottoms, and it made him richer, and sadder, and more famous, and eventually god decided to put him out of his misery."

Anterograde Tomorrow, changdictator

Thursday, November 21, 2013


so recently I've been into Who Is Next and even though the show's over and the winner's announced I'm still not over it and honestly I like all 11 of them and I didn't mind who won because I know they're all talented and one day they'll all debut anyway. I just can't wait for the days when we'll say "We were there when they were crying for that place on stage".

So one thing I've noticed about YG is that performance is a major thing and all them have strong stamina and dance isn't really a problem, although vocals aren't exactly the strongest but there's potential. I'm not professional on rap but I think all the rappers have a strong hold on their own rapping styles. so today I just wanted to share my favourite performances from throughout the whole show. Enjoy!






(I know I seem biased towards Team B but it's only because I'm so jakuned at their dancing ok the first time I cried while watching the show was during Team A's performance so shut up I'm torn between the two shh)

I wanted to share some other favourite moments from WHO IS NEXT with you guys but I think you guys should watch it for yourself to really understand why this show is so moving and entertaining at the same time (no the emotion is not the entertainment ok the performances I DO NOT CRY FOR ENTERTAINMENT). So I'll just end this with the special performance from the finale whom I think did a great job with the harmonizing; they're all so talented and I'm jealous sobs.


Monday, September 2, 2013

rant 2013.

So I haven't been talking much on this blog. I haven't been blogging much in total, including my other blog because well, there's only so much to say and so little people who care. Well recently there's something I wanna talk about but since everyone's busy studying for trials I'll just put it here.

First and foremost, MTV World Stage. At first I didn't really like the idea of EXO coming because well my friends love them enough I will never hear the end of them not being able to go. But later I was like yeah okay fine whatever, since everyone here loves you guys anyway. Then I heard the performers list and they were like, I know Joe Flizzow, yea he's fine, but I can't remember the other one. Then I heard Robin Thicke. Wtf?

He is possibly the most discriminating and offensive person ever, and his song degrades women. Most of us only know ONE song of his, so what is he gonna do for the rest of his performing time? Sing something we've never heard of? And it's gonna be so embarrassing because I can imagine some Malaysians actually accepting him. Why here anyway? A Muslim country, out of places. How inappropriate. I had another word for that but I forgot what it was.

Next, i'm gonna talk about the recent m!countdown that was held in LA recently. I wanted to rant about it on kpopsecrets but who needs more EXO posts there? Oops I gave away the subject of topic. Well they performed and it fucking looked like their showcase or something. Even Teen Top, who performed for a comeback wasn't as extravagant. Heck they've been performing those two songs for weeks. And they had this big intro where they were dancing in shadows and shit and i'm like"Fuck that looks a lot like b.a.p's debut showcase intro" like srsly guys srsly you've been performing for a little over a year and you fucking treat a music show like your showcase srsly. And what pissed me off even more was the voice over. People are gonna say i'm too sensitive and over observant like lol who actually listens to the opening?? WELL I DO because it's in English and it's not like there's anything else to watch other than badly shot and choreographed dancing?? okay maybe the choreography wasn't bad but it was really messy ok.
Anyway about the voice over. It was talking about some shit of EXO trying to share the world their"music". Wtf??? Wtf???? Music??? THEIR music??? That's low man. That's so low. It's not THEIR fucking music. They didn't have any creative contribution in making Wolf and Growl. They just PERFORM it. Yes, it's their song, because SM made those songs for them (or maybe not I mean SM and their obsession in buying songs you can't deny it) but you can't call it their music. It didn't come from their heart and soul.  It came from someone else's. There are people out there who make music and kill to perform their music, because yes, they made the songs, it came from them, it's their music, but never get the chance. They sincerely want to share their music unlike EXO who are performing their songs there's a difference. It's all so pretentious I can't take it. They make music seem so cheap. Music? They don't love music. They love the fame.

Maybe i'm exaggerating. Maybe they do love music, but they aren't given the opportunity to make or sell music that they made. But honestly i'm not even looking at the members of EXO right now. I'm looking at the whole industry. The inside people who get the dough without showering their faces. And not just SM, but any company or musician who make music for the money. It degrades music to such a low par that it's so sad...

I need to study.

Friday, August 30, 2013

video #9??

maybe it's my render settings
or maybe it's just YT being dumb again

Saturday, August 24, 2013

video #???

why is the video setting so weird

Tuesday, August 6, 2013


sobs the thumbnail is Jongup and look at that shirt it's see-through okay I will die.

I don't know what I was expecting. I guess after One Shot, my expectation had been quite high, which I really shouldn't have done. I'm not disappointed. It's more like, eh, it's good, but why am I not excited?
I guess because I know they can do better but heck, I would prefer if they just stayed silent for at least a year after such a full schedule. seriously, rookie year was full of promotions, second year full of tours AND Japanese debut like please sit down. but it seems like they like promoting. :c still. rest is important.

anyway,the music video isn't bad. honestly I'm in love with the scenery, although it feels like you can't really fully concentrate on it like you could in Coffee Shop. not enough of the boys, neither. There's a lot of things going on, and the fighting seemed tiring. feels like the rebels were losing somehow. the people with the shields didn't have flashbacks of their past life?? and in context of those who say B.A.P's being racist - excuse me? please refer to this.
so basically it was about people who are injustice and in the end they're at their own lost (because Korean men nuke everything).

Moving on to the music/album. It kinda reminds me of Power. The title track is, ehh, mediocre. But the rest of the album is amazing. I loved every track (in exception to Badman and Hurricane which is, like I said, okay). Whut's Poppin' has an amazing heavy-bass hip hop sound to it and the parts suited the boys well, especially my love Jongup

wtv ugh blogger i hate you
 (i gave my emotions to write that and it all turned into waste wtf blogger)
I think, what I like most about this album is that none of the tracks remind me of another track from their previous albums. the Power thing was about the album - what I feel about the tracks, which is the title track is mediocre but the rest of the album is amazing. but otherwise, all these tracks are really fresh and soo badass. although probably Whut's Poppin' will probably remind me of Fight for Freedom and Yes Sir, for now, it's really itself.

Good work, boys. I know Yongguk had his hands on producing the tracks this time too, other than writing raps. I'm proud of him. He's going for his dreams, which is to spread the music that he loves. It may not suit me as time passes, but like family, I'll always support him. I'll always support all of them.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

video #7 - irrelevant.

I made this because I miss B.A.P a lot especially my idiot. Also, the dedications. I felt like I should express my affection once in awhile lol.
I am so annoyed with how mechanics work though ugh!!! Do you know how many times I had to render this?? It kept blinking, I don't even know why. In the end I had to render it in 8-bit, which caused the quality that YT gave T T so annoying.
But well the process was quite good. the gradient maps worked better than usual and I quite liked how it all turned out. the colouring could've been better, but I'm not gonna complain. I really need a stronger laptop sigh. I like the VIAO, but it really is too old and I need space for my stuff.
My feelings for Jongup grew slightly too, because I had to go around looking for his quotes and so I went through interviews and I start to see his beauty again. I miss him, I really do. Can't wait for their comeback, but missing them is a bittersweet thing. at least they're not over-exposed and tired from the limelight so much, ya know? but knowing B.A.P they're probably excited so I'll be excited for them ^^
While I was writing the dedications I was worried some friends who really care for me would be offended that I didn't put them in, but I can't really think about that so I added 'more'. means that I care for a lot more than that four but these four people had really been there when I was down, ya know?
also, my brother. I really missed him and the tears I've cried for him... only God knows. and when I heard the song I was reminded of him. so there. Plus, he's home now. ^^


Thursday, July 18, 2013

the fans.

A dumb comic I made out of reality. Ika brought EXO photocards to school on Monday and Naquiah and I decided to fawn over the boys. I said that I didn't like Sehun solely because I'm really not into his poyo face but I felt like Naquiah purposely said something bad about Kai because she didn't like the fact that I bashed Sehun haha. Girls.

I thought about it and I smiled to myself thinking about how out of all things that happened this week, I chose this topic to post here. Well, things are going along dandy. I got the album I bought in February (five months of waiting for it and I got a Jongup photocard!!! totally worth it) and my story got published in the newspaper. It's been a proud week but I feel like I'm falling behind study wise. I haven't been doing much of my homework since we've been stuck in the hall for a few days now so classes don't go on as usual. It's been pretty relaxed. I feel like I should continue my own studies but I'm like writing fanfics and stuff which makes me feel bad.

The continuous "I'll start studying for real next week" is kinda sickening and I wish I could just push all this away but I can't. I'll try.

Friday, July 12, 2013

for now.

what is this feeling?

go away.

I start every day feeling emotionless and suddenly at night I'm filled with emotions that I can't comprehend.

I avoid you. what are you doing? you probably don't care. you probably notice and if you don't I'd be really sad. but I think you do. but I don't really mind on your actions about it. it's okay. it's what I expected. you're not one to ask about these stuff.
I want to talk to you but I don't want to? I want to ask you so many things but I don't want to annoy you with me I's and me's and not bother asking about you because I'm not really sure what to ask? I'm not curious. or at least, I feel like if you wanted to tell me something you would've. but you didn't. and that's okay. but it makes me feel bad when our conversations consists of mostly me's and I try so hard to include you's but I'm just that selfish, I guess.
what am I to do? when you expect me to be a good daughter and when I do it gets overshadowed for when I'm not being a good daughter no matter how small the issue is it will always overshadow the good things. I could be as ignorant and rude as I always felt like being but I hold that back and yet you still can't see it?

it just feels like a rush of emotions especially when there are these thoughts that I can't say and there are those moments when I feel so happy and so thankful for what I have. it's all mixed up and I can't choose one certain thing to feel but feeling so many things is so overwhelming and it's so confusing.

things.. are so mixed up.. time.. what is time? if I ask for more.. I clearly haven't been learning from my readings.. readings.. read.. I've been reading so much.. writing, slightly more than usual.. stacked with homework and facts that I decided I should recite every time I have a void in my thoughts... heat released is used to overcome the force of attraction.. Cr2O7- + 14H+ + 6e -> Cr2+3 + 7H2O... sebab-sebab pilihanraya diadakan adalah... things.. things to remember..

the zits on my face are countless and I feel like I shouldn't bother because this is how it's probably gonna be until after SPM. I'm tired. six more months. then, I can do something new. go away. travel. write as much as I can. play, draw as much as I can. cook and bake and eat. read, read and read some more. play music, over and over again with comfortable earphones in bed without constant reminders to study. this six months, I will hold up for the taste of freedom.


Friday, June 28, 2013


"I even eat really creamy pasta well now 
how about u 
You still can’t eat pickles, right?"


Why did I choose the above line? Because I hate pickles. If my future husbands dislikes creamy pasta but eats it anyway this will be our song. Forever.

Okay so first impression of the music video? Holy fuck everything is gorgeous. The boys look gorgeous and the scenery was gorgeous and the music sounds gorgeous too. Totally calming, totally different from B.A.P's first look. I love this. I love it because of this. Because B.A.P can do anything. They exploded when they first debuted. They continuously amaze us with strong performances. They show us their different side and colours. And now they're back with something we could have never imagined them doing if we still knew them from Warrior.

I love B.A.P because of this. Because of their hard work. Their sincerity in doing this. The talent that shows within their performances. I was really scared at one time. I was really scared of losing them. But you know, they've always said if you keep comparing, you'll never be happy and I guess I should stop comparing.

Anyway, back to Coffee Shop. only after awhile did I notice that CNBLUE also has a song called Coffee Shop (which I actually really like, just forgot about it. When was that, March?). But the sound is different (mainly because CNBLUE is a rock band and frequently needs drums to strengthen their sound) and B.A.P has a more jazzy sound to it. Congratulations, Yongguk, you got your dream of doing jazz. He really likes jazz. Heck he also likes dubstep and look at him during LOE concerts. He likes everything, doesn't he? Music must be everything to him.

Their vocals this time is also very mellow and I really liked Zelo's singing part although when it started at first I was like "aw man please not make him only sing for this" and OF COURSE HE DIDN'T silly me~ He's a rapper not a singer heuheu. My favourite part of the song is Himchan's lines. During the HimUp parts they each get two lines and it goes like Jongup-Himchan-Jongup-Himchan, right? I like the second Himchan line. It's really soothing and his voice suits it well. I still can't say I'm in love with his and Jongup's voice though. I prefer Youngjae's voice in this, since he's vocal range is lower than Daehyun's he hits his notes better. I like the fact that TS gave Daehyun's voice a break though. He needs it.

Overall though, the song doesn't really give a strong impression. I doubt that was the point. The point was the music, obviously. They wanted to back away a bit and just show a bit more sentimental side of them. That's okay. The reason I'm completely fine with this is because it's the first out of three title tracks. Knowing them (and through reading articles) I know they're gonna show more colour on the other two. I predict one catchy song and the other is a more mellow/angst rap song. Let's see how it goes.

Final rating: 4/5


Friday, June 7, 2013

kai's the one!!!


Okay that's it. I know this is gonna be cheesy but Kai's my EXO bias. Done.
He used to be over-rated but not anymore so I'm ok with it I mean look at this bitch person he is so cute I wanna squish him that second GIF killed me. I essentially thought D.O's the cutest but too many people like him too much competition he can still be the squishiest among them but Kai's my squishy
I have a feeling Khairun likes Kai though, but the other day I heard her mentioning that she's starting to like D.O. I used to like Baekhyun but idk lost it
these things matter ok girlfriends have to stick with each other and not steal each other's biases


P.S, I also think it's due to the fact that I'm writing a Kai-eccentric fic (which will be available on SHL/AFF/LJ soon so stay tuned!) so I might be falling for my character for him but with those looks I can't--

Thursday, May 30, 2013


I paused at the perfect time.
(obsessed with Tao just because he looks like someone. Or maybe I should say someone looks like him.)

I only posted the Korean version because it's always like that. I only downloaded the Korean version of the MV and the album tracks. I don't know.

I did squeal, I'll give you that. It was good. It was good. Although I found the bad part before I got to the part which caught on to me, I think I'm overall impressed with the choreography like wow okay SM this is an underestimation of how I feel about your choreography but YOU REALLY GOT THE MOST DETAILED AND PRECISED DANCING I'VE SEEN EVER.
So bad part:

Saranghaeyo? More like salanghaeyo, with a girl's voice.

I won't say I'm in love with the song because just like MAMA, probably too many things going on in one song but I won't say it's bad. I find myself singing along in around the third time I watched it. The vocals are great and I'll say the rap improved although I expected more from Chanyeol, I think Kai and Tao's rapping in the beginning was the best raps. But I know Chanyeol will satisfy me in the album tracks, I can feel it =w= But honestly whoever says Chen isn't a good singer should find a rope to hang themselves with because he has the greatest vocals I've seen anywhere. Better than Daehyun (although it's only because TS overworked him and now it's cracking so much poor bb ; ;). 

Now for the dancing, which I think I mentioned before I really really adore but this is my fav part:

This part where they rap real fast and go "WOLF" or something until the growling part where they shake their hands together. Definitely super duper awesome and I shall dance along to the part every time I hear the song I promise (unless I'm in public).
Overall, I just really like their dancing. Lacking where? Hmm I guess I didn't really like the part near the end during the chorus where the leg work was really fast although I adore the boys for being able to do that I just can't accept it it looks a bit awkward?? I don't know but otherwise, what else can you expect. Dancing is a KPOP thing. so the better you are with your choreography, the better a KPOP group you are (or so it seems to be. if not why else is everyone trying to do good dances?).

Okay that's it for the MV I'm waiting for the album tracks now T T 

Friday, May 24, 2013

"I don't spend money on Facebook or Instagram or Tumblr, I spend time on those things. Lots of time. And what am I, what are we if not just a collection of hours and minutes and years and decades spent doing stuff?" 
- Hank Green

Thursday, May 23, 2013


hey I just watched a Jenna Marbles' video and I'm feeling this lol EXO's Wolf teaser

LMAO ok lol

the reason I didn't tweet about my opinion on this is because I'd be called a hater. since no one will ever read this blog I decided HECK i'll post it here HAH
wait let me just watch it again so that I wouldn't seem like a biased bitch
-a minute and two seconds later-

okay I think I just snickered again
YES finally EXO makes a comeback and the usual KPOP fan would be super happy and I am too because omg, finally. I didn't say they were bad but in the position that they are (I mean they're from SM, and they're like huge competitors to my ultimate bias group 2.0 B.A.P) it made me not like them as much as practically everyone does. Okay I take that back they have an enormous amount of haters too BUT there was a point where they had so many fans that B.A.P's awesomeness was over-shadowed and I felt like it was a waste that people like them who aren't that much greater than people from smaller companies can have their fame without doing much.

okay moving on, I've always liked their sound, I mean I liked the whole MAMA album, I loved some of the tracks (ie. History, Machine and Two Moons) so I'm anticipating this album too, since it's gonna be a full album I'm like qdjnsd but as always, the concepts that SM gives them doesn't necessarily have that umph, ya know?

I have a feeling everyone feels this way since I don't see people going "OMG!! EXO'S TEASER OMG!!" on my Twitter timeline they're not all too excited neither. it's just that, we've been waiting so long for this??
okay where do I start?

firstly, what the fuck are they doing in a dimly lighted room, crawling at each other in those clothes? umm I think someone needs a trip to the asylum. they give the concept of wolves, and where do we find wolves? in the forest. I thought Chanyeol gave a hint saying forest and trees and stuff? if it's not gonna be in the MV and the MV is just gonna be them clawing each other in a room I'm gonna be thoroughly disappointed.
and secondly, teasers are supposed to build up hype. if SM doesn't use the effort to edit in even one scene in the forest I think they might be slightly egoistic, thinking everyone will still love the boys no matter what they do because they're EXO for KPOP's sake. this is the same thing that happens with Super Junior all the time? I guess SM's not wrong, since everyone still loves SuJu so much. I do wish they'd stay through, hopefully a group from the early 00's of KPOP that doesn't disband/break up.
thirdly, hahahah the wolves thing is cute I mean look at them aww trying to look all wolf-like it's so cute, how hard they try. AND WHERE'S BAEKHYUN'S EYELINER
i think my favourite thing to touch on is the fact that their clothes are perfectly in tact, most of them don't have sharp teeth 90% of the time (which makes roaring/ growling or wtv look even less realistic) and that they honestly don't even have like smudges or anything COMPLETELY CLEAN how?? it makes them look even more like little toddlers in kindergarten pretending to be animals except they're like six feet tall.

well that's it on my part. I'm still anticipating the album tracks but I can see where the MV is leading towards. hopefully, I'm wrong.

in addition to this post, I'd like to put in some quotes from people on KPOPSECRETS. I think some of them are worth thinking about, and I think it will give affect to our actions.

"Not liking them is different with hating them. If they say that they don’t like them, it only means they have a different taste. No need to fight about it because when you do, that’s when they start to HATE. Our narrow-mindedness only adds fuel to a freaking SPARK."

"'s none of your business what he's doing with HIS life. it's none of your business what his parents are doing. because none of this is about you or your life. none of this is about your opinions. just let him live his life without constant criticism of his or his parent's choices. it has nothing to do with you."


Tuesday, May 21, 2013

video #6

Don't even ask I'm on an editing frenzy
idk after I watched an Infinite version of this song I got addicted immediately and I'm like lol Ain listen to this I'm addicted to it and she's like "Are you gonna make a video out of this?" and I'm like HEY maybe I should and she practically facepalmed.

I used masking and panning instead of cookie cutter this time because I wanted specific shapes. It wasn't originally like this - it was separate clips at first, but later on I thought about it and I wanted to do something different - experiment a little. I think this video has the most amount of layers I've ever used on SV - about eight or nine. mostly just for the beginning.
I also tried using 3D effects and it worked yay!! It affected my saturation a little (I tried fixing but it's still dark T_T) but I guess overall I'm satisfied with it. I originally used TV simulator again (oh me I just can't stop with the simulator) but like I said, I wanted to try something different and this is a start ^^ you can't really notice it,  since the last part is kinda quick and jumpy but it's there, during the squeaky DJ part (which I think is what made me so addicted to this song).
//edit I up-ed the contrast and started using 36-bit again. The 8-bit was really low quality although it rendered really quickly =3= I only used it because this tutorial used it and I guess it was okay until I realised that there's a difference between editing slideshows and editing videos (no offense).

Well back to bed.

Friday, May 17, 2013

video #5

This was actually a request from a subber, who's birthday was on Wednesday. If you can't tell, since I don't normally edit Boyfriend lol.
Experimented a lot with cookie cutter like a lot. I feel like I could still improve, but I've worked my way around using it. Also I've learned a few tricks on transitions and re-downloaded Spicemaster today so now I have Spicemaster and NewBluefx plugins :D
Colouring is still a mess though T T I have no idea how to go around gradient maps seriously I suck. I just keep twitching the colourings I downloaded sigh when will I be good at that I have no idea.
I have a lot of plans for the holidays, but I still have three more days of exam until I'm actually free so for now I'm gonna edit the songs first :3 Next video will be something I've been saving for too long ((taylor swift)).


Friday, May 10, 2013

video #4


most of the hard work was written in the description of the video, so if you'd like you can just go to the YouTube site and read it there ^^ Worked on this for about four hours. About three hours spent editing, the other hour spend rendering. It's been awhile. Experimenting with things. I download all this stuff but never use them, seriously!
Anyway tried out typography and idk if I improved or not?? I think I worked hard on that more than the clips lol. and because the clip I used was very lacking, some parts were awkward, I think?
Sighs I don't think I ever wanna edit EXO ever again (lies).


creative - really?


TheFineBros introduced to me to this video through a YouTubers React video and I thought that none of the YouTubers were giving the answers I was thinking about. There is a meaning behind this video, really, not just the fact that it should creep some people out (a lot of people actually) but you really gotta go behind to the small bits in the beginning, I think, to really understand.

There was a caption in the Fine Bros' video saying that the director said they start the video off with it being really quiet because that's how creativity comes. When you're doing nothing. I think what it means is that when we're doing something, we're actually being creative but without us even knowing it. If we decided to go down to the kitchen and decide to get a sandwich, that's your creativity thinking up things for you to eat. If there's no sandwich, you look for other food to feed on. That's creativity looking for ideas. When you come up with a weird-ass concoction you yourself aren't sure is safe to eat or not, that's a product of creativity (that's a fine piece of art, DaVinci!) and if you go back upstairs with an empty hand, that's creativity unfed :( yeap that's me everyday.

the point is that creativity isn't about being fun and colourful and fast-beat. it's about CREATING.

there was a scene that really took me, I think it started at the clown (I think we all thought that scene was a bit weird) when the notebook said that they were going a bit too far. I think that all kids these days is given this type of idea. the idea of being able to do whatever they want - that's what all the adults tell them. just be yourself! you can never go wrong. but if the kid like playing with frogs or worms they say no, you can't do that, they're dirty creatures that'll bring diseases and cooties. if they play in the mud adults scold them. what happened to being myself? kids ask. and without them realizing it, they start to not believe in 'being themselves' anymore. they become what people want them to be. "Be yourself," they say. "But 'yourself' have to be disiplined, smart, ace every subject you take, be good in sports, speak perfectly, sit up straight, don't use both hands when you eat" etc etc.

another part which bothers me was the "green is not a creative colour". I think it's the same as the paragraph above. society voices that they want you to open up and let the world see the real you, but limit the type of people that will be seen.

that other part after the 'D', in my opinion was the kids growing up to realize that people telling them to be creative was all a lie. almost everything we tell kids nowadays are lies. it's just sad to see them grow up and realize that life was not all that great after childhood and wished they kinda stuck there and became a kid forever. a bit of a Peterpan story, but you have to admit, never finding out the ugly truth behind a beautiful lie does seem tempting and perhaps better to live with - better to not know anything than to be a depressed person.
(this is just a slice of life thing, but imo if you knew, and if you figured you'd know more than you were told, and think of things people wouldn't think of or know of or realize, than you can know every truth on earth and still be a happy person. I think it's called finding an answer?)

anyway in my opinion the creators of this video in my opinion were really creative (hAH) and the small ideas set into the video so subtly that you'd have to look through a few things to get were so beautifully (or maybe not) set into motion. I might not have gotten every detail, maybe there were other messages in the video that I didn't notice, so put your creativity caps on and discover ideas and answers to unasked questions yourself.

Monday, May 6, 2013

jongup's fashion statement.

hey it's been awhile since I blogged here and well I just wanted to make an open statement about JONGUP'S FASHION SENSE.

as we all probably not know B.A.P's heading to U.S.A today and there are some airport pictures of the boys. As much as I love all of them sometimes what they wear are kinda funny, but I've always been able to swallow whatever it was. There also was a statement about how stylists style idols' airport fashion to match with their image and yes, Jongup might be a bit weird in the head but what he wears sometimes are just ridiculous.

Today, I've reached my limit though.

Here we see the boys walking in a group. Yongguk, Himchan and Youngjae decided to go for denim (I think most of us probably not can recognize Youngjae's fav jacket by now), while Daehyun rocks his leather and Zelo (not very clear) is wearing a sleeveless tee. 
Behind them is the always left out Jongup in his favourite camouflage pattern. but let's concentrate on their pants for awhile...
Yes clearly Jongup have fascinating white legs (ones I'd love to have). Slightly too over-exposed though.

Here we see a back view of his outfit for today. Up to toe camouflage, including his cap. The fact that he's wearing a loose shirt with those shorts remind me of what type of style Koreans like to see their girls wear - loose tops with short shorts.

here we can see that Jongup only button his first button. that sigh sticker is very accurate. boy, we need to talk.
another thing is HE DYED HIS HAIR AGAIN. ok wow I don't mind the colour and B.A.P's stylists are known for killing the boys' hairs but if you saw a side shot, his hair is like slap on his forehead. maybe it's wet, idk, but I would like to caress this kid's head and tell him it's ok, he's beautiful anyway.

See? Beautiful. I love you bb. Just, don't wear those shorts ever again please. Not in public. Hugs and Kisses <3 p="">

Friday, April 19, 2013


seventeen years of living. it sounds like a lot, but in comparison to those who had lived for 70, 80 years, this is just the beginning.

if i am this weak in battling through my seventeen years of life, how will things be later on?
God gave us all this because we are old and wise enough. we are strong enough to stay through. and I will. we will.

we all have them. so suck it up and choose wisely who you decide to tell about them to. some might not give a shit and that's where you'll look like a puss who doesn't know how to handle her own problem, looking for self pity.

remember, everyone has problems. some are big, some are small but they're problems all the same and we all have to live with them. there's a limit to being upset over something. move on with life. it'll make things much easier for everyone else.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

video #3 - 1st collab

My first time ever hosting a collab and I wouldn't call it a great success because there were definitely a lot of challenges.
Firstly, it was a bit messy trying to get people to enter because I wasn't expecting people to find the video themselves, so I invited some of my favourite editors (or at least the ones I think would actually talk to me lol) to join personally. Some of them got to the video slightly late and all the parts were already filled in. It was too bad :(
Secondly, I really wanted a variety between male and female groups but I only got like two females. At first someone entered with SNSD, but she pulled out later on. which brings me to the next point.
People pulling out of the collab or not responding to messages. It was upsetting, because I have to continuously delay uploading the video and find people to replace for them. And someone who replaced forgot it was a dance video therefore in the middle you can see a part that doesn't have much dancing involved. it messed up the video a bit but that's okay.
And earlier in the process I had trouble giving out the parts too because of Vegas /sigh thankfully, I got things together and here is what came out of it!

People are a problem, but videos aren't. So when I got the parts, things were easy enough. Except.. I didn't actually make my part until I got all the parts /laughs at self. And I was slightly sick the night I made it which was two nights ago. It glitched damn it glitched. Slightly, before the "if you wanna lose your mind" part. but so did the Boyfriend part but sdbfajs okay sshh. picking which parts I should put into the video was kinda hard since they have so many points but I think you can see I actually chose parts that aren't the main points. it's because I thought they matched the music more. The ending with the chorus of Warrior part turned out a little less than what I expected. also, the beats made it a bit hard to concentrate on the dance /sigh

But through making this video, I discovered some new text effects! like 'difference' (I used it for the 'KPOP DANCE COLLAB' and the outro) and tracking (the spacing change) so yea kinda excited bout that :3 I think I should explore around Vegas more to see what other effects I could use instead of reusing the same ones over and over again.

So yea. It's been fun. I'll host another collab, but not so soon. Just when I find a song good enough for it :D

Saturday, April 6, 2013

video #2

Well hello there! It's been awhile. Last night I couldn't sleep because I drank coffee with dinner so I spent around two hours from 2.30-4.30am working on this.
The project had been around for quite sometime but I couldn't bring myself to finish it. When Ain teased me about how 'I only get inspiration from B.A.P and not CNBLUE' I was even more driven to finish it. I made the song purposely a lot shorter than my usual videos because the intention was to make it a quickie but well roughly two and a half hours ain't that quick I guess haha. But I've seen people doing IC's (I have no idea what this is it's an anime editor thing I think) for two hours and the video lasts for fifteen seconds and they're all like crazy shit effects in it like whoaa now that's editing. Makes you feel like you're playing a game of creativity or something haha

Anyway the video wasn't that hard, I mean it kinda reminds me a lot of Radioactive and Lose My Mind because of the panning and the reverses and TV simulators. It's just that Radioactive had such a heavy colouring that I think it burnt my laptop once in awhile. It was one of my earlier heavy videos too, so I guess my laptop haven't really gotten used to it yet. Recently the laptop's acting mighty fine though, loving it :3 When I told my friends it's about six years old they were kinda shocked. It does have it's twitches but so far nothing major. I love this laptop so much ; ;

Recently when it comes to colourings, I try not to make it too heavy. I'm still a lazy bum to work on my own settings and use ready made ones, but to make it less heavy and suit my video more, I tend to pick and choose the settings that are needed and those that aren't. I also adjust things that I can adjust like the sharpen and contrast. I still can't with colours though. sometimes I get green skin that looks like the person got alien chicken pox or something and that's embarrassing lol. anyway by picking and choosing the settings the rendering becomes less heavier so it'll be quicker and less heaty.

also, notice that the quality is slightly better? I've been rewatching chanyetutorials' video on NewBlue watermarks and watched her video settings and adjusted mine to hers. so far it looks quite good, I can't wait to render picture videos with this setting :D
The colour of CNBLUE's music video originally was kinda dull so even when I put 100% black and white there's not much difference lol. see if you can spot which clips are original and which are black and white haha. also, the circles and the words were kinda last minute. I hibernated the laptop for awhile after finishing the video and went to bed and suddenly inspiration stroke me. I think I like the last part where I incorporated the video with the info? yea I think that was creative. I was actually planning to put lyrics in every circle but I got lazy haha. oh the font! I started realizing that people use simpler fonts since idk forever for their videos so I try to do that but so far I'm not sure if the font suited the videos as much as this one did. it's funny, how we're looking for simple fonts that almost look the same anyway, but every small detail makes  all the difference.

anyway, I only started listening to Joel Faviere when one of my favourite editors made this one video "White Mercedez" with Infinite-H and I started listening to his other songs. I already edited the song for this video before she uploaded this video, but I guess it doesn't really matter about who used the song better since we used different parts of the song. anyway, this is her version with Infinite. she didn't allow embedding so. I think she did a better job editing (that part's nicer anyway, but it's hard to edit to that type of beat unless well you're like her - awesome) but the font puts it off a bit. it's still really good though. the beginning was a bit draggy though, but I guess she was building up suspense.

well, back to life where education is priority!!1!! /sigh

Friday, March 22, 2013

video #1

So I started this a week ago but just the cutting of clips took two days because I was so out of it. I took it slow, but in the end today I was like "you know what? I gotta wrap this up" so I did. plus I have another two collab parts to work on, and one of them is my own collab muahahaha. once I'm finished with all these collab parts I'll make a compilation. or maybe later on, after another collab because four parts in one video is kinda a waste. I'll make it five :3 so far I've only joined collabs to do B.A.P parts; maybe the fifth one I'll do an Infinite or CNBLUE one. depends.

anyway back to the video. I had a harder time on the slow part than the fast part because well throwing in effects isn't that hard - it's harder to make something match the music and still make it interesting. also I tried not to put in colourings because the original clips kinda matched the song already, but I can't help but add overlays heuheu. the last part was a bit of a mess though, because I didn't really arrange anything or put any transitions - if you noticed, I just mashed up random clips to end it. also, I wanted to add in texts but I got lazy and I wanted to upload it by tonight so I didn't add any ;_; feel kinda bad now cuz I know it could've been better but oh well.

hope it's good! ^_^ other than the two collabs, I have another two projects on the way - both of which I already edited the song to but haven't started on the clips harhar. and surprise surprise, one of em is gonna be a CNBLUE video. felt bad for them. not many people make videos for CNBLUE T_T also the other one I'm still not sure which pairing I should use, since I'm using a boyXboy ship huhu. B.A.P, yes. it seems that YoungLo is pretty popular these days but I don't have enough material for the two /sigh I'll try to make use of what I've got. also, these two are gonna be rather short. less than a minute. so don't expect much.

lastly, hope you enjoyed the video! I'll be working hard, despite life.
P.S, I drew something but I'm still not sure if I should post it up. no inspiration to write these days, especially since I got a B for my recent English test. sorry.


so I added the text and as advised by a friend, added more heartbeat thingy. I think the text tend to be distracting. it kinda overshadows all the hard work I put into actual editing lol. also, it looks like it lacks of Himchan? it's probably just a coincidence that the lines I chose for him were a bit short and that I found his expressions weren't much different throughout the video so I couldn't use much of his footage. His clips did tend to be useful though, like the burning mannequin head was cool. but other than that, the amount of his clips were so little I even used other members of B.A.P's parts.
but it was great making this, really. although it might not be everyone's cup of tea, I can tell from the first upload that it won't have great response..

Sunday, March 17, 2013

art inspirations.

So I'm actually rather confused with what type of art I want to concentrate on. sometimes it feels like I wanna do everything, but end up not being good at any of it. I looked back at my favourites and I chose a few really good artworks that I find inspiring and want to work to achieving, maybe more.
*credit to owners*

Himchan realism. Traditional - 100% watercolour. 
I tried doing watercolouring the other day and completely failed. I know the creator of those epic movies from Japan (I forgot what it's called dammit like the creators of Totoro and Spirited Away, those people) said that when you paint, don't have a base but it's really hard seriously ;~; how do people watercolour seriously. I'm guessing another advantage all you people have is really thin brushes to work the details but you'll need a steady hand too and I'm guessing that means practice.

B.A.P Warrior group photo - remade on a t-shirt with oil pastels.
genius. that's it.

Daehyun fanart. 100% digital. 
I mostly find this inspiring because of the picture itself. It's not realism, but it looks a lot like Daehyun (even the body - I mean, before he decided to work out). That's one thing. I also like how the background blends into hugging Daehyun. It's really creative and it says something. even the body dispersing - ah, it's just too good >< the two-colours thing going on here is really good too. 

Last but not least - one of my favourite mixed media traditional artworks. Zelo was first drawn with various pens and markers (yes, not pencils. I'm being serious here) then when all that was dry she used watercolour to add the details. even a board-and-brush technique to add the splatters. It's simple, it's creative and it's beautiful. notice the details and shading on Zelo himself but not on his clothing. notice the pins were painted solid but she added the running effect. ahh it's just genius. 
this is one of my favourite realisms because it's not the usual realism where you just redraw the person. you add your own little twist to it and that makes all the difference. it adds a 'you' in it.

that's the thing about working on realism. sometimes when you try to make it look so much like the actual thing, you start losing your own creativity - your own touch on your artwork. and that's not something I'd like to lose just to be able to draw things exactly how it looked like in the picture. that's not drawing - that's photostating. 
so what style am I looking for? well. recently I haven't been drawing a lot and when I try to draw my own stuff I find it hard to draw girls. it's funny - how seven years ago I probably never thought I'd have trouble drawing girls. that's all I used to draw. but now I have a fascination with short hairs and broad shoulders that drawing a girls seems so hard because the facial expressions would seem to dull. even the most recent things I drew that seems rather okay are these two.

You can guess who these two are - Jongup and Zelo. I don't really like it that much because it seems a bit out of proportions - Jongup seems bigger than Zelo huhu. also the coats could've been more detailed. the faces aren't that good neither. there's a lot to improve here, but I gotta say my favourite thing is the hair. I worked on the highlights shading a lot more on them. 

The only way I got to drawing him was when a friend challenged me to draw cartoon characters in realism so I tried and although Danny Phantom was a failure I really like this one. The thing I hate about this is... it's sideways. I feel like I like drawing side profiles too much I should really stop because people do not have sides of a face they have a front angle too and I have to work on that.
even the hair doesn't look like realism...

Okay enough procrastination for tonight.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

sketch #1


original picture

edited (if possible, clearer)

medium : mechanical pencil; 2B, 0.5mm - eraser - mahjong paper (scrap paper)
time taken : approximately 40 minutes (honestly I wasn't counting)
details : honestly I wasn't trying to be exact; I felt like drawing something and I saw the picture and I knew it was something I wanted to draw so I did. the face shape isn't exact (not long enough) and the shading is rather basic, because of the general lighting. the folds around the ears under the beanie was probably the hardest, although I also had to change the face shape and facial positions a couple of times too. I like the shading around the eyes and on the lips the most; the lips look so soft (u w u) little detail of the bodies because I was lazy z z z
things to work on : I think the eye-direction is a bit lost. the head needs to be slightly tilted too, so head angle. I wish I could do more on the hair detail >< the shapes need to be more precise too, but I wasn't really aiming precision this time so I'll excuse myself (harrharr).

Give me your opinion if you have any ideas how to improve! ^^

P.S, I'll be starting posts like this now rather than personal stuff. Art posts with be formatted like this, same as videos, but my stories are posted on SHL so I can't really talk about that. so yea. comments through the normal comment thread instead of a cbox because spammers.

Monday, March 11, 2013

no manners.

People are so rude.

Why is it that when I told Nadiah the answer was X she assured me that it was Y but when Kausalya told her it was X she believed her?

Why is it that when a junior from my transport hit my head she laughed but didn't apologize? I'm your senior. Not just a senior, a form five senior. And you didn't just hit anywhere, you hit my /head/.

Why is it that when we greet Datin Noorulaini, we sound like mosquitoes buzzing but when she announces that we're going back at two on Wednesday we cheer so loudly? Have you guys thought what Datin might have felt?

But here's the most disappointing part.

Why is it that Datin have to mention that we're an SBT school and we should work on getting into nationals and internationals, thus not acknowledging the netball team? Did they not work just as hard as the choral speaking team? You, as the leader of a school, shouldn't you bring spirits up, not burn them down?

This world is so rude and thoughtless. I expected better from a so-called civilized community.

Friday, March 8, 2013


Things are going fine. Except I haven't studied.

It's March. Next week we're gonna take our first test if SPM year. The first of a last; or probably the first of an ending that will start something new (get it? Cuz after school we still have college exams and such to take). This week me and Ain are going to tuition four times - we went today because we can't go for tomorrow's Sejarah and it sucked cuz too many people and I fell asleep.

Tomorrow we're coming straight after school meaning that we're coming in school uniform. Stinky school uniforms. this will be the first time for me in 2013; heck it only happened once in 2011 for me. And tomorrow I'll be expecting GSG too.

Sunday we're going to Sya's cousin's wedding straight after tuition so we're gonna wear baju kurung and I hope they don't look at us funny but if they made a good joke out of it I'd be happy because yay we get attention for five seconds. Already planned what to wear since Wednesday honest.

I'm still on chapter 9 for Sejarah and it's gonna be on Monday so you know how much I'll be cramming these next few days. Will probably only touch physics other than Sejarah. Last minute reminder for BM on Sunday later. So sure of it.

Sejarah kills me because I know i'm weak at it but thinking bout that makes me wanna give up honestly. But I can say I hate almost all the subjects for SPM because it involves loads and loads of writing and just understanding can't help you. You need to know what they want. And I don't know.


Monday, February 25, 2013

between the two.


just read Eva's blog and isn't it funny? how we're stuck between being an adult and being a child again. and it's funny but true, what she said about not minding to work and stuff but she doesn't wanna do it alone.

I always feel stuck between being a realist and wanting to do things my way and not how other people expect from me or anyone else my age to be like. for one, I like being different. but also I guess because time passes by so quickly and those happy memories seem like such small fragments in the past and you just wish you could stay in those fragments forever but you know it has passed and there's no way going back to it and feeling whatever you've felt at that time. and you're scared that in the future, that feeling won't come ever again. scared that what's coming is only the worst.

or is it just me?

I downloaded almost the whole The Perks of Being a Wallflower OST and the eleventh out of twelve tracks is the audio of the last line in the movie - Charlie's Last Letter. I try not to listen to it too much, or else the 'ecstasy' in doing so will lose out. does it make sense? but well I listened to it just now and the words chosen to write those last few lines even when I read the book were so beautiful. "you made not feel alone. because I know there are people who say all these things don't happen. and there are people who forget what it's like to be sixteen when they turn seventeen and all these will be stories some day and our pictures will become old photographs and we'll all become somebody's mom and dad. but right now, these moments are not stories. this is happening. and I am here and I am looking at her, and she is so beautiful. " I only wrote until there because I'm afraid the ecstasy will lose out if I share it too. you need to know it.
I guess that's also a reason I want Jongup to watch that movie so much. And if he did, I hope he felt what I feel. and if not him, then I hope the person I was made for watched it and felt what I feel. and one of those days I can think about these days and suddenly remember about that movie that emotionally affected me so much and I decide to ask him if he watched that movie and he will say he did and I'll ask him if he remembers the tunnel song and if he does I'll tell him to sing it and he'll say he doesn't have a nice voice so he just hums it for me and if he doesn't remember I'll say out the title (Heroes) and the singer (David Bowie) and he'll say "ah~" remembering it slowly and we'll sit there and remember our infinite days quietly to ourselves and in that moment without even a word, time will freeze.

That's the fairy tale I wish for. No quartet accompanying his proposal, no honeymoon in Paris, no diamond rings and designer handbags. Just someone.

I ran out of topic. That's too far away in the future.
Well, aren't we all thinking too much of the near future? Worrying. It's not wrong, is it?

Just now there was a lot of free periods and we talked about our old crushes. Naquiah had the sweetest and saddest story ever. At least, it was sweet and sad for ten year olds. I kinda miss having a crush. I don't think I'll be seeing much of GSG this week, since we have road run this Saturday so I'll have to skip tuition. I typed out some things but well talking about someone builds affection. I feel like there are things I wanna say but I don't know how. I guess that's why I started writing but now I can't. I don't understand why. But then again, how can I write a fanfic about my life? I go to a girl's school and have girly feelings and all my 'characters' are guys lol. plus I hate writing about my life. it's seems so tacky.

I'll try to brainstorm something out. for now, I should stop thinking so much about life and just finish my freaking homework.

P.S, editing seems like such a fun activity these days I hate myself

Friday, February 22, 2013

holy crap.

In love with the idea of being an INFJ but INTP looks so accurate I'm dying

Thursday, February 21, 2013


Now that you've reached your dreams and working to grow bigger and stronger, you've established quite a level of confidence. When I saw your message on your photocard, I thought that it might not always be true. Doing what you want do to sooner will bring you success sooner. It might be true, but have you ever heard of the phrase "things come as quickly as it goes"?
I know I should probably worry about my own problems but at this moment while listening to my life soundtrack and thinking about the future, I can't help but think about what you've said and how far true it is exactly. If you want to do something successfully, it can't be done spontaneously without thought; even if we are young.
At this age when we are young, the things that happen now might affect us even more greatly than we think.
Sometimes, we cannot think of only 'now'. We need to think of 'later' and 'tomorrow' and 'next year' too. Did we greatly hurt our parents when we decide to do things our own way? Did we lessen our opportunity for a better life by doing this? Have you not thought of these things? It might have gone well for you, but know that the solution to your problems might not be the solution to everyone else's too.
"Only one shot." What if that lost shot was only for our best?
I took that principle for the Kem Perdana. Sure, now I'll have to skip cross country and might even lose my chance to go to my first album meet up ever and the chance to exchange photocards in case I don't get Jongup's. But I barely went to camp my entire time in SA and maybe this will bring me good in one way or another.
But after talking to Nadhrah about BRATs I feel like maybe this is too much. Sure it's a great opportunity, but I'll have to pay another 150 for the workshops and go to other states and spend time on assignments and such. I don't think I can afford that much attention on something other than SPM anymore. It's already hard being emotionally attached to Korean boys who don't know your existance.
So I decided to not send in an application. sorry Junhong-ah. You understand right? It might be good to take opportunities earlier, but maybe i'm already a bit late. Or maybe my time hadn't come yet. I'll try, next time. But for now, I'll pass.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

spur of the moment.

Ah, this is so noisy...
Yes, I know it's 1am...
Just leave me alone...

But I'm not even sleepy.

My thumb tapped the screen of my phone knowingly, and the alarm went off. The song "Run" by Daughter reaches its climax and as the singer sings 'run' over and over again the fireworks outside kept blasting in the background. How annoying, I thought, my eyes fluttering open. What a nap. It wasn't much, being disturbed by mom once and the lights above me bright. I remember not even being sleepy when I decided I'd rest my eyes for an hour and a half before fully preparing for school tomorrow, unlike most of my friends whom I see crowding my timeline about how they're almost done with whatever crap they have left to do.

I don't even want to start.

I roll in my bed, the sheets covering my legs in an unorganized manner. I still have that English essay to edit. Or maybe I don't have to anymore. I didn't even try those add-maths questions. I don't want to. I don't know it. Maybe if I tried I would, but I don't want to bother. My eyes shut again. I rolled over and woke my laptop from its hibernation.

Lying down, the first thing I did was check itsbap. New pictures. Whatever. Email. Facebook. Tumblr. Twitter. deviantArt. Whatever else that I could've (possibly not, but who cares) gotten new notifications from. Looks like the world survived without me for one hour and a half.

I lied in my bed, wondering "What do I do now." The song Youth started playing so I sat up. I looked at my laptop and browsed through itsbap, remembering my failed story as I see pictures of Daehyun walking outside the broadcast station of yet another music show, I can't remember which. I can't seem to keep track of what they wear everyday. Nothing much. More pictures. A fancam. I closed the window, thinking I'll save the pictures through my phone.

"We are the reckless, we are the wild youth."

I looked a hazy part of my bedroom. English essay. BRATs. Kem Perdana. Save B.A.P pictures. Add maths. Physics lab report. Letter to Jongup. Nadhrah's mix CD. Realism sketch. Uniform. Blue house. Piano practice. Tuition money. Parents.

Something went by my mind that I thought, why didn't I think this before? No, I've thought of it but I had an answer. But not tonight. Somehow, tonight, I'm just floating between existence. There is no answer to this question that passed by like just another train in a vast city; What do I live for?

P.S, this struck me that much that I felt like writing about it. It was just a little bit, now that I'm thinking about I might find some answers but I won't babble on because that'll just ruin the moment. My mind can't seem to shut up, huh?

Saturday, February 16, 2013


It's the best I can do, honest. I'm running out of time.

Plus if you haven't run across this on my Twitter, then it's best you watch it like now. It's hilarious.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

you are not special.


so... this sort of summarizes my feelings basically all the time. I guess I shouldn't rant about these type of things anymore.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

keep moving like a bullet train.


My message to them in the descriptions. Still in the process of making the anniversary video /sigh better late than never though.
I think Youngjae's video sucked hard time, but Jongup's video was satisfying. The first I watched it with colouring I was already so happy but after uploading it I notice there were some things lacking but I decided to put it off. I was sick the other day because I was working too hard on Youngjae's video anyway. Aiming to sleep before one. currently 12:06AM so for now, it's good to make a short update.

I'm sure none of you really enjoyed that story. Or read it. If you haven't read it, I'm trying my best to not mind because it's not that good and I'm planning to edit it further during the CNY holidays. My unnie hasn't replied yet, but I think I'll give up on her. She must be busy with college.

so Xueh Wei the other posted something about her crush and well some people are lucky enough to make friends outside of Sri Aman. I'm one of those unlucky ones. I can't even make friends with people from tuition - unless you count that Shawol who lives in my neighbourhood or Aisyah who's Ila & Nuryn's friend but Ain was late once so we got to introduce ourselves.
anyways, I don't really mind because once I'm tossed into a situation where I'm desperate, I will make friends eventually. I'm actually gonna talk about something I really restrained myself for so long. well, at least since around December last year, when I started tuition at Andrew Choo. You know there's always these people who are under your 'radar'? It's like if that person's around, you'd notice for sure but try your best not to glance over at that person every 5 seconds. so there's this guy (stop your ooh-ing) who literally talks to no one. or at least, I've never seen him talk to anyone. I call him the Grey Sweater Guy (GSG). he's under my radar.

he literally wears the same grey sweater every time I saw him since form 3. the reason he's under my radar, I think, is because I have no clue who he is. I just know he goes for weekend classes - I'm not sure if it's from Sejarah on Sat, I've never noticed because there's so many people for Saturday Sejarah - but goes out during Biology. I don't know if it's because he doesn't take Bio or because he took Bio on some other day, but that's how it is. other than that, he's a total stranger. he comes and goes.

The reason I'm talking bout him now is because I was talking to Ain about tuition just now and I just realized that there's no weekend class these weekends because of CNY and I got a sudden realization that I won't be seeing GSG this week. and next week too.
I'm not sure if I'm upset.

I don't want to go around chasing him like I did with Asyraf back in form 3. that was so immature, trying to get into the same classes with him. there's class on Friday next week but there's two options; around 12-2 and 2-4, and I told the girls 12-2, ignoring the fact that I knew GSG would be in 2-4 because of the Friday prayers.
But another part of me wants to build more opportunities for us to say something to each other. I read in Naquiah's sister's book about body reading where guys have telescopical sight or something and girls have stereosc--- something sight which basically means that guys can't see hidden things. when they look at something they look one way, which most of the time is upfront so they really can't decode things unless you tell them straight up (or at least that's what the book says). but girls have a wider vision. you're all girls so you know what I mean.
so based on this, I guess GSG has no clue he's under my radar. but if it's not true, then that time in add-maths my stereoschubfd sight caught him looking at me from the door to my seat was right. that gives me some type of hope.
But i'm not sure what I'm hoping for exactly.

well I got that out of my chest and I don't wanna talk about it anymore because well it'll just mess up what I really think about this because I'm an INTP type and if you Google it up it means that I'm a thinker and I don't really like to base what I do on what I feel like doing especially in things like this because there's no point to it and I think there was something in that INTP article that I don't like doing illogical stuff or stuff without a reason.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

new layout.

it's because I freaking miss Warrior era okay stop judging me.

imagine if I wasn't a KPOP fan. I would've decorated this blog with like pictures of skinny girls with their long flowy brunette hair and multiple beaded necklaces and bracelets. this is the best I can do, okay?
plus now I don't have to add the '.' (what's this called again?) at the end of every blog title because they already added it for me.
plus do you know how hard it is to find good pictures? once I have a few good ones I look back and it either doesn't match each other or doesn't match the layout. so I decided to go for one era only, and the icons were from scans of Recording Take #1.

this was supposed to be the original picture for the tagboard but then the colours didn't match and even when I tried changing the contrast the face and hand were different colours so it looked weird. the reason I wanted this picture in the first place was the scar on Jongup's hand. I didn't even notice it before. his smile sort of blurred everything else. but like you guys understand what I mean right I like it because it looks like he was trying to cover up some type of pain (it's just me being over-analytic again). but yea. boohoo.

I feel like every time I change my layout it's a whole different fandom already. last year was Jonghyun and this year Jongup + B.A.P and I'm afraid if next year I'm gonna change to a different group, and I really don't want to. but who knows?

so it's 6:30am and I have piano class in two hours so I'll take a nap now.


I just noticed that I don't have an archive. Thankfully, I saved my previous blog layout so I still have the code but I have no idea where to put it.
I was checking if everyone had an archive and I noticed that Xueh Wei didn't even link our blogs. Zaza and Hanis use Blogger layouts and I think Zaza did I mighty fine job of making it look super sophisticated (minus the cbox it just looks awkward way down there). I know Hanis can do better she just doesn't wanna try (betul tak? just admit it dear lol). it must be because it's not really something she wants a lot of people to visit so it doesn't have to look super duper nice.
me, on the other hand just like having a really nice looking blog.

and funny story (I mean I guess it's funny... to me) since xwei's blog's descriptions and all that are on the left side and Fern's all that are on the right, I chose this one specifically because it's in the middle HAHA. yea maybe that wasn't too funny.

Friday, February 1, 2013

as promised.

*edit* I'm not exactly proud of it..

Well here it is, the rough version. I'm gonna get an unnie to edit it but for now, I'll just post it for you guys. Maybe I'll delete it after it's edited and I'm done posting it up everywhere else.

(4282 words)

"Welcome to our crib," Daehyun smiled at the younger, his ash blonde hair dirty from the soot of the caravan. Inside, there sat two others - each on different sides of the portable house. It was funny looking - at least to Junhong. Outside, the caravan was spray painted black with colourful squiggles and doodles; supposingly to make it look less dull. The colours were rather pale and worn out - they'd been together for awhile, this Junhong could tell. The door was right by the dining table - a worn out cream colour, plastic and similar to its long chairs, one on each side, the window on its perpendicular. A man in his mid-twenties with black hair falling over his forehead sat on the dining chair, browsing through a magazine uninterestedly. He looked up when he heard the loud boy, and looked at Junhong with a mix of curiosity and annoyance.

"Who did you bring this time, Daehyun? Hopefully not another sl-"

"He came to me!” Daehyun defended himself. "He doesn't have a place to go - with the wind, I suppose. Just let him come with us, okay?" Daehyun looked at the taller. Junhong had milky white skin, a bleached hair with blue highlights. He doesn’t seem like the usual nice guy, but he sure has a lot of innocence plastered across his face.

"This old guy is Himchan," Daehyun introduced. "Don't touch his stuff, is all I can say. And, he cooks for us. Now, moving on with the tour!" Daehyun walked by the dining table and Junhong followed, nodding shyly at Himchan. Himchan just watched the two.

Past the dining table was a shelf with all sorts of scrap books and boxes which Junhong assumed was Himchan's stuff. But there was a specially narrow and long shelf where bottles of peculiar looking liquids with labels on them sat, the content softly shivering as Daehyun and Junhong step across the room. Opposite of it was a bed foldover, kept shut tight. Above it was a wide shelf, high enough for Junhong to peek in and see suitcases; closed but unzipped, small pieces of cloth peeping out its sides. Then was a door leading to the lavatory, a divider separating it from a small kitchen opposite of it, only consisting of a surface - used mighty well with the boiler, rice cooker and every other random things being placed there - a cupboard above their heads and a stove. By the stove was a boy in a muscle tee and an apron, awkwardly pocking at the bacon in the frying pan in front of him with a long wood in the shape of a spoon. His hair was a light brown, falling slightly above his eyes and his skin was tan.

"Hey Jongup, you need help? Daehyun asked. The boy looked up with his small eyes, hesitating. Daehyun came over and took the wooden spoon from Jongup's hand. "If you keep picking at it like that it'll burn and stick to the pan! You should really just ask Himchan to cook for you."

"Naah, I wanna learn myself," Jongup said softly, looking over at the bacon as it sizzles when Daehyun flipped it over and placed it into a plastic plate. "Thanks, Dae."

"No prob," Daehyun smirked and patted the younger's back. He looked back at Junhong who had just been watching silently. Himchan had lost interest and decided to look through his scrapbooks for the umpteenth time. "This is Jongup, the youngest among us."

"Is he older than me?" Jongup asked the blonde.

"Naah, probably around the same age. Junhong here is quite the young one."

"Should be in school, if you ask me," Himchan piped.

"Well no one asked," Daehyun retorted back.

"Nice to meet you," Jongup smiled, holding over his hand for a shake. Junhong gave a weak one, shy at the boy who had a bright smile.

Daehyun asked if Junhong was hungry and he said no, although the last meal he had was a piece of bread that morning, and it was already late for dinner. Daehyun still made Junhong a drink, while he followed Jongup to the dining table. Himchan moved inside to give Jongup some space, and the younger sat gratefully. Junhong took a seat on the chair opposite of them, awkwardly in the middle, his bottom almost falling off the edge. Soon Daehyun came back with two tall glasses of orange juice and sat next to Junhong.

"Just treat this place like home," Daehyun told him, kneeing Junhong's long thighs when he saw how uncomfortable the younger was. Junhong leaned back a bit, but he still felt a bit awkward.

"So, what got you here with us today?" Daehyun asked, playfully smirking. Himchan didn't bother, but he was listening. Jongup was chewing hungrily, looking at Junhong for an answer. It made Junhong felt a bit nervous, but he manages to squeak out his story.

"I... I ran away from home with some of my parents' money, but I'm slowly going bankrupt and I saw you guys with the caravan at the diner this morning, so I thought..."

"You'd hop along like a parasite and hope you'll live long enough without your parents?" Himchan continued for him, not even looking up. Junhong turned slightly pink. There's truth in Himchan's words, and he didn't even realize it. What was he thinking?

"I - I'm sorry..." Junhong started. Suddenly his stomach growled, and the three looked at him, looking surprised. Junhong felt his face burning. The three boys laughed heartily, and Junhong slapped his hand on his face, trying flush out his embarrassment. They weren't laughing meanly; it was the type of laughter you’d find yourself smiling to. That made Junhong felt slightly happier. He hadn't laughed with people for awhile now - it’s been just himself for about four months.

When the laughter receded, Jongup slide his plate of half bacon to Junhong. Junhong looked up at the boy, but he didn't say anything - just a small smile, the smile that Junhong felt weak to - and then he attempted stealing a sip of Daehyun's orange juice. He got caught, but Daehyun just gave it to him.

"You can stay with us," Himchan told Junhong seriously. The younger smiled widely at this. "But not forever." 

Junhong nodded. He knew. He didn't belong - it was just the three of them, and he's just the guest. So they made an agreement that Junhong has to do a part-time job once in awhile to contribute to their expenses, and when they reach the town Junhong was from, it was time for him to say goodbye. Junhong silently wished it was somewhere else, but where else can he go to? In the end, he needed his parents after all.

That night, Himchan drove them through a forest and found a clearing where they would stay. They only went to the towns when they're out of food stock or fuel. What they do most of the time was stay in secluded areas where Himchan would make researches on random things like bugs and trees. Jongup would help Himchan with the labour work, while Daehyun spent most of these days sleeping in. But when they go to towns, the blonde would be most excited. Beer, chatting along with the locals, pool. And in big cities, clubs and woman. But he never gambled - they didn't exactly have money to gamble. Himchan would follow him sometimes, when he's in the mood, while Jongup just stayed at home, playing a game on his iPad. But tonight, they were thinking of a campfire.

Junhong and Jongup went to look for wood while Daehyun and Himchan made the fire. They sat on the dirty ground; the cold, slow wind blowing softly against the orange and yellow flame, making it flicker slightly, dancing in the dark. None of them said a word. They just looked into the fire and enjoyed its warm beauty. Soon, Himchan stood up, dusting the dirt off his pants and walked silently and warily towards the vehicle.

"Going to sleep?" Daehyun asked. Himchan mumbled a confirmation and the three boys watched as he opened the foldover bed and lie on it in the dark. After awhile, Daehyun felt a slight emptiness in his stomach.

"Junhong, can you get the marshmallows in the cupboard at the kitchen? I'm starving." Junhong obediently went to take it, although a rebellious part of him silently thought, "Why me?"

When he got inside, the bed blocked the way to the kitchen. Junhong made no attempt to wake Himchan, so he stepped onto the bed and made his way by as silently as possible. Excluding when he bumped his head on the shelf. The thump didn't move the elder, but Junhong fidgeted silently, enduring the pain without making a noise. When he got the marshmallow he tried to pass by again, Himchan said "You don't have to be so careful. I'm not asleep."

Junhong looked down at the body. It was dark, but as Himchan turned to face upwards Junhong knew his eyes were wide open.

"Do you hate your parents?"

"No..." Junhong stood still in his position.

"Then why did you leave them?"

"I hate how they made my future for me."

"What did they make?"

"An architect." The younger's leg was tiring, trying to balance on the unsolid surface.

"You don't know how to draw?"

"That's not the point. I just don't like it, how they push me into doing something without even asking my opinion. 'Oh, you draw so well Junhongie; you have to be an architect!' 'Make sure you study well so that you can be an architect!' I was sick of it."

"The real you comes out in the dark."


Himchan smirked - Junhong could only hear the sniffle of it - and told Junhong to sit next to him. And he did. "Just endure it," Himchan told him. "There's no point trying to run from family. You won't go anywhere. You don't let go of your family - they will eventually let you go."

Junhong nodded slowly, unsure if Himchan could see that he did. He didn’t want to wait though. Junhong wanted to stop time – he wanted to stop moving and growing, and letting his youth slip away. He wanted to run away from adulthood.

Himchan pulled out a bottle from his shelves, one with an orange-yellow tint to it. He put it up to Junhong's face to make sure he saw the colour right. Then he retracted back his hand and had a good look at it himself, thumbing the label that wrote 'Sun'.

"She was beautiful," Himchan started. "Bright, charming, funny. I loved her. She loved someone else. But even the last time I saw her, the sun tinted her hair so light, reflecting on her eyes that it looked like she was sparkling. Her bright smile was all I could remember - she never cried or frowned or got angry. At least, not to me. Her colour was the colour of the sun."

Himchan looked down at the bottle and smiled softly, as if reminiscing their times together. "Sacrificed a lot of flowers to find the right colour for this. Dandelions and chrysanthemum turns brown in liquid, apparently! Had to take a yellow and red tulip in the end, bleached them a bit. A miracle the red turned out more orange than pink," Himchan smirked at Junhong as if he'd get it, but not really. Himchan ignored that fact and placed the bottle back into the shelf.

"What about that green one?" Junhong asked curiously. The liquid was a light green – somewhat lime coloured, but less natural. It was thicker than most others. Himchan reached out for it. He showed Junhong the label. 'Joy'.

“She was a real firecracker,” Himchan laughed. “Fun times, with her.”


Himchan smirked and looked coyly at the younger. “You wouldn’t understand – adult stuff.”

Junhong turned a bright pink.

“She liked me too much though. I didn’t even think it was anything serious, but she started to not like it when I joke around. She didn’t do anything wrong but like me… and I let her go. To me, it was more guilt than love, really.”

Junhong’s eyes ran through the cupboard to look for another bottle before the elder started talking about how he got the colour. The stories behind them were more interesting than the colour itself. So he took a bottle of blood red liquid, visible particles floating about. Junhong read the label, ‘Heart’.

“What about this one?”

"This guy..." Himchan mumbled, taking the bottle from Junhong’s hand. His smile was somewhat sad - a different smile from before. "We were so different. Our personalities. Our music taste. I think we even had a phase in the beginning where we didn't like each other - I was too quirky and he was rather dark minded. But I guess that's what made us the best of friends too." Himchan paused for awhile, making sure that Junhong was still breathing. He kept quiet the whole time Himchan talked, it probably bore him.

"Go on," Junhong told.

"He... I... I loved him," Himchan told. "Not friend love, like lover love."

Himchan didn't want to confuse the kid on what type of relationship they had. He glanced at Junhong and Junhong nodded, showing he understood. He was young, but that doesn't mean he was innocent. So Himchan continued.

"People said we complimented each other. When he gets temperamental, I cool him down. When I'm being insensitive, he humanizes me, or so I call it. Thing is, he wasn't very healthy..."

At this point, Himchan's eyes were moist. He hadn't talked about Yongguk for awhile now, since Daehyun and Jongup knew everything. But he didn't want to forget. He never did, but he was afraid if he kept things silent for any longer, he will. So he told Junhong. He knew the tears would come, but it’s better that way. He doesn't ever wanna forget.

Junhong didn't know what to do. He knew that this person must've died, and he didn't know how to handle death. So he patted Himchan's back, trying to sooth him. Instead Himchan's tears ran down quicker and soon he was sobbing. Junhong tried to quiet him down, but the elder only cried. Hearing the noises, Daehyun came in the caravan and ran to Himchan to give him a hug. As the elder's sobbing quieted down and was only left with silent tears, Daehyun told Junhong to leave with the marshmallows. When Junhong was about to step out of the vehicle, Himchan spoke through Daehyun's shirt.

"He died of AIDS," he said. "And this bottle is filled with my own blood - also HIV contaminated. The easiest way to find the colour of a heart, really."

Daehyun didn't stop him, but just told Junhong to leave as he nagged at Himchan about how ridiculously emotional he is. Junhong stepped out - bewildered. He didn't know what to think, but he now knows that these people all have a story on why they were here - and compared to his, it might seem a bit lame.

He sat next to Jongup and passed the bag of marshmallows. Jongup talked about he misses s’mores and sometimes wished he lived a normal life, chuckling about it himself. Soon, Daehyun came back with a bag of grey powder in his hands. He held it up with a playful smile on his face. "Don't tell me I'm gonna get high alone tonight, or I'll kick both your asses."

"Sorry Dae, not today," Jongup said. "Hey that rhymes!"

"You, my bro," Daehyun pointed to Jongup. "Don't need weed to get high. Honestly they should make these motherfuckers legal already. I'm not the one cutting myself and collecting the blood."

"Y-you guys knew who that person was?" Junhong asked bravely. "Himchan's... 'Heart'?"

"He doesn't call the people those names, he calls the colour those names," Daehyun explained, placing the bag by his side as he sits cross legged in front of the fire. He then pulled out his wallet and retrieved a stack of small white paper. "When he gets his heart broken from a relationship, he'll find the colour that reminds him of that person and keeps it. So far, 'Heart' is the latest one."

Junhong watched Daehyun flip the white paper over, revealing a Polaroid of some unclear faces, and dirtying them with a small amount of the grey powder. He then rolled the paper and ignited the end with the fire in front of him. Daehyun breathed in through the other end, and let the smoke corrupt his lungs before blowing a sigh of it out. He lets the stack of paper on his lap fall, and Junhong watched them as the flip over several times before settling down to shivering in the cold wind. One was close enough for him to pick up, and he got a good look of the faces. One was Daehyun; younger and his blonde hair not as dirty. A boy with dark brown hair slicked back with hair gel had his arm slung over Daehyun's shoulders, a peace sign thrown at the camera. There was another boy with blonde hair and dimples in the picture but it looked like he posed in the last minute.

"Who's this?" Junhong asked, showing the picture to Daehyun. By then he had already took his second dose, his eyelids half opened. He tried opening them to see what Junhong was talking about, and snorted.

“That asshole was a friend of mine,” he told, fidgeting with his roll. “All fun and games, he was. Until Yongguk died and he didn’t even come by for the funeral. What a jackass.”

“Yongguk was Daehyun’s brother,” Jongup slipped in. “He’s also… what you call, “Himchan’s ‘Heart’.”

“Yongguk had big dreams,” Daehyun said loudly, ignoring Jongup’s remark. “Freedom and going against society and all that bullshit. Get AIDS and it’s all useless.” He lowered his volume. “Still, he was a good brother.”

Daehyun bit his lips, looking down as he flicked off the burnt ashes on the other side of the roll. He remembered going out with all of them – Yongguk, Youngjae, occasionally Himchan and Jaebum – Youngjae’s blonde friend. He knew he was just a third wheeler between the two, but he depended on Youngjae. Other than Yongguk and him, he had no one else. Youngjae knew that. But when it came to the point when Daehyun needed him most…

Daehyun smirked to himself.

“You wanna know what that shit face was doing the night my brother died?” he asked Junhong, his left eye slightly tinted red at the sclera. Junhong didn’t respond. Jongup tightened his lips. “He was fucking that gay blonde, that’s what! Son of a bitch.”

Daehyun took another breath of the drug before he started coughing. Jongup got up and said he’ll make something warm and Daehyun just waved him off, covering his mouth with a knuckle as if it would stop the coughing. Junhong watched as Jongup walked into the darkness. It wasn’t a minute after Daehyun’s coughing died out when he started talking again.

“Jongup had two elder brothers,” Daehyun told without Junhong even asking. The younger looked up, wondering if he’s too obvious. “Well, has, if any of them are still alive. The eldest was in debt, and the second had a drug addiction. Not like me, I’m not addicted, it’s just a habit,” Daehyun defended himself. Junhong just nodded, trying to keep his smile away.

“Anyway, after he graduated school it was sort of obvious that he had to work to help out his brothers,” Daehyun continued, wondering if he should take another dose of the weed since he’s already feeling a bit light-headed. “He didn’t really have to but I guess it was his self-conscience.”

Daehyun giggled, fiddling with his roll. Junhong started to worry. “So he told me, ‘Hey, let’s get out of this shit hole. I don’t wanna stay around to feed those useless dogs they call my brothers.’ And I was like, what about your parents bro? And he told me he didn’t care; if they would risk his life for the sake of theirs, it wasn’t love. Jongup thought they were just using him as extra hands. So I was like, hell yea! Let’s get outta here, my family’s dead anyway. I called up Himchan ‘cause well, we needed some money. Himchan was a wreck since Yongguk died anyway.”
“I hope you didn’t feed him any of that stuff you’re puffing, Daehyun,” Himchan called as he walked out of the caravan, two mugs in his hands. A thin, smooth line appeared above the warm drinks, floating about just like Daehyun’s mind. Jongup followed behind Himchan, and they both gave a mug each to the other two. Daehyun smiled to his ears, throwing his roll into the bag of grey dust as he took Himchan’s offer. Junhong shyly took the mug of black coffee from Jongup’s hands.

“What were you guys talking about?” Jongup asked, a smile forming on his face. He brought his mug closer to his lips and started blowing softly on the surface before carefully taking a sip of his hot drink. Junhong kept his mug warm in his hands, while Himchan confidently drank from his. Daehyun didn’t even notice when he burnt his tongue.

“We were bitching bout you,” Daehyun giggled uncontrollably. Himchan shook his head. Junhong felt embarrassed towards Jongup, but he didn’t seem to have mind – his smile never left his face. He smiled so often that Junhong wondered if that was really what Jongup was feeling – happy. It can’t be, when there wasn’t anything to be happy about throughout the whole night.

“I really hope you’d cut down on your dosage,” Himchan told Daehyun as he gulped down half of his coffee. “It’s nice but too much is bad for you.”

“You’ve tried it before?” Junhong asked, slightly surprised.

Himchan smirked. “Haven’t you?”

Junhong turned to Jongup. He pretended Junhong wasn’t looking at him, sipping his coffee with his eyebrows high up.

“Lucky,” Daehyun stated, suddenly sounding sane again. “That’s what you are. Most of us have corrupted lungs; weed or just another ciggy… It takes away the pain.”

Junhong stared back into the pit of fire in front all of them and the other three followed. Junhong imagined the fire going through his lungs, burning every cell until he can’t breathe in between the grey smoke forming. Then he remembered why he never smoked in the first place.

“Junhongie can’t ever smoke, okay?” the girl’s voice called.

Junhong shook his head. He turned his head to Jongup and dug for courage to say “Don’t you ever miss your family?”

Jongup looked up, surprised but then figured out that Daehyun had probably told him everything. He mustered up his feelings and faked another smile – as he usually does. “I can’t afford to miss anything. It’s the price for being selfish in the first place.”

“You… you’re still human… You’re bound to miss your family at one point, right?” Junhong turned to Himchan for support, but his pupils weren’t moving. He was lost in his own thoughts.

“Most of us can’t feel anything anymore,” Jongup told, keeping his smile. “It’s the only way we survive out here with just the three of us. We look after each other. But other than that… numb.”

“Lucky motherfucker, aren’t you?” Daehyun asked Junhong. Junhong didn’t know what to say. Was he really lucky? His whole life he never thought so. His parents were pushy about grades, his friends are all moving on while he wants to stay a kid forever. He ran away because he didn’t wanna grow up. He wanted to be free.

“Are you in love, Junhong?” Himchan asked, after keeping quiet for so long. He didn’t look up – his pupils continued staring at the orange flame flickering about in front of him in a blur. “Do you like someone?”

Junhong tried to not be obvious. He looked around a bit before glancing at Jongup, who’s now looking at the bottom of his mug. Junhong glanced back down to the ground before answering. “Yea, I guess.”

“Then you’re very lucky indeed.”

 Himchan stood up and went back into the caravan, taking Daehyun’s bag with him. Daehyun rolled his head before sighing, following the elder with his mug in his hands. Jongup looked at Junhong. Junhong didn’t look back. The older lowered his gaze, not sure what to tell Junhong. He decided he should let the younger think for himself.

“I have a sister,” Junhong said suddenly. Jongup looked up. Junhong slowly brought his gaze from the fire to the elder’s eyes. “Do you think that’s enough reason to go back?”

Jongup smiled. This time, Junhong could feel the sincerity in it. It had warmth that made Junhong felt more comfortable than the fire had throughout the conversations. Junhong wanted to be free. Just like these three people. But he came to realize that he was lucky. Their freedom came with a price, and Junhong wasn’t sure if he was ready to pay it.

“Decided you didn’t want to join us?” Jongup asked. “Perhaps the wild youth is too wild for you?”

“Maybe,” Junhong replied. “Or maybe it wasn’t what I thought it was.”

Junhong didn’t move an inch when Jongup stood up and walked towards the caravan, mug in his hand. He only looked up when Jongup stopped and turned slightly over his shoulder.

“You’re like us,” Jongup told, almost in a whisper. “Reckless. But you’re lucky.”