Thursday, January 31, 2013


Turn on HD if you want a clearer view of the lyrics. As my bio and chemistry (and sometimes physics) tuition teacher, Ramesh says, "Don't strain your eyes; they're very precious."

well I'm a mix of upset and sad and overwhelmed all at the same time.
firstly, story update; it's progressing. haha. I'll try to post it by Saturday.

secondly, about the song. apparently Yongguk made a Tumblr and the first thing he posted was this song. I was excited at first that he's doing this because well, this is the type of music he wanted to make and share with people. this is his thoughts, and he's finally sharing it with his fans all over the world. but then I got slightly sad when I realized that he's probably posting it here, on Tumblr because these songs would never be approved by the company to be produced into their albums. because reality is, he can't reach to the world through KPOP alone. in the end, he has to do things the way society wants him to. wow I really hate netizens right now.
I'm guessing he chose Tumblr because (a) it's more popular than Soundcloud although Soundcloud is probably the best place to share music (b) Twitter can't post songs (c) Instragram neither (d) YouTube is technically a video sharing website so he has to make an actual video to compliment his songs. No I'm not scared about all those Tumblr things reaching him because even without him signing up he could've gotten Tumblr links. the difference is now he can actually respond.
other than that, I'm also seeing similarities of Zico going on with Yongguk. Zico produced underground songs, and I hope even after this money case thingy ends he'll continue producing music no matter what happens (although of course I wish Block B the best and want them to stay together but things do happen).

thirdly, I'm so fcking upset with some Exotits. Today was the Seoul Music Awards and six rookie groups won the rookie award. I'm not sure who, but I know two of them were EXO and B.A.P. I had no opinion on this - in fact I didn't know there were so many winners to begin with. I only knew B.A.P won and I didn't even bother to watch the awards video (not that I'd detect anything wrong with it other than how short the acceptance speech was and that was probably due to shortage of time to give off all the awards). then I saw tweets of BABYs shuddering off Exotits' comments. here's one;


Believe it or not, an EXO stan herself posted this. her comment was "so u mean BAP's comebacks are just pointless?" and well in my opinion, there's nothing wrong with that statement. It's true; B.A.P's hard work was a bit pitiful, since what they were aiming was to beat out a rookie group that was made to be successful even before they debuted, which is slightly impossible but they did win 26 awards over EXO's measly 21. but they had to make 4 comebacks for it while EXO had none! Yes, EXO has definitely proved that they don't need 'lots and lots of album' (escu me gurl but rly check ur grammar b4 subtly insulting sum1 it's plural form since theres lots n lots of it whats wrong w/ adding an s thnx) to win a lot of awards; all you need to do is debut from a huge company that already owns a bunch of successful idols and be treated as a product.
well, if that's what you really want.

next tweet;

"Babys are basically VIPs in training. They're already starting to show their arrogance and elitism."

A BABY posted this and all the comments were just like "K" or "oh" because well. we just don't wanna comment much about these statements. think whatever you'd like. the only reason we're 'arrogant' is because there's so many dumbasses out there. some of us are dumbasses, but from this statement I haven't seen anyone break out on the Exotits and blame them when clearly there's no real source. why? because we're just not that immature. Even I don't know if it's an Exotit who wrote this but imagine if someone wrote something like this about EXO stans. wouldn't at least a quarter of them make a fuss?
Another thing; why the comparism with VIPs? What's wrong with VIPs? they're arrogant? they're elite? who said so? VIPs are strong because they don't go around bashing other people's fandoms; all they do is defend themselves without even mentioning other fandoms. why? because they know better than to involve a fandom unreasonably.

I really don't understand why these people have to start. I thought we were buddies ever since ISC? Himchan and Suho are cool; Luhan, Daehyun and Youngjae are cool. What else do you need? a fucking confession that they're best of friends and they'd really wish we'd get along too?

well school tomorrow and the day after (probably). Fern better continue her story. abandoned kids gives me the Step by Wicked Step feel these days lol. we were discussing the novel just now and they were talking about Richard running away and kinda remembered Junhong in my story. a lot of things remind me of my story nowadays, actually. Better get it done quick.

P.S, I told Ika what I felt about Yongguk making a Tumblr for his music and she said "well, what can we do about it" and I agree. but I wish she would think like that about most of her own problems instead of complaining to me and when I complain to her she thinks the same thing and doesn't even notice it.
P.P.S, I'm starting to notice that a lot of my 'problems' aren't really my problems, other than family problems. People have so many problems and trying to figure out ways to solve them while I'm leaving my real problem aside (since I can't do shit about it) and ranting on about other problems that don't even need my concern.
P.P.P.S, I'm worried the same thing will happen again so I'm not telling the sister. It's sad that... because it's a different person, I'm worried... maybe she wanted me to tell her sister. I don't even know anymore. But for now, I'll just let it be. I hope I can talk to her about it soon though.
P.P.P.P.S, yet another problem that's not mine that I'm worrying about.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Aren't I always inspired by the weirdest things?

Thanks Xueh Wei, for posting up Youth on thisismyjam. Fanfic, coming up. Was thinking maybe I should do EXO for a change, but idk. I have more places to promote it if it was B.A.P :P probably an OT6, main is Junhong. I suggest you listen to Daughter's Youth because dammit, right in the feels.


Thursday, January 24, 2013

not-so-sad life update.

I feel bad
cuz I blog too much depressing stuff /dies

so I went to school to paint our class today and laugh I'm sorry bout the WA Fern I really thought a lot of people were considering to come on a holiday to decorate their class but apparently not many (form 5's only include SA&SB) was willing to do that. Not even most of our classmates, actually. the amount of people who came from SA&SB added up wouldn't even amount to a whole class.
but well felt good helping out (my classmates better feel guilty for not coming I mean our class looks so neat now) (exclude the tables; or at least how it looked like when I left) . when I left I had paint all over my hands, and the brown one was especially hard to take off. I remember painting on Tuesday and that paint when off with water but not the brown one. when I got back home, I couldn't find thinner Abang told me to try cooking oil. the paint somewhat moved around, but it would've taken ages to completely clean it. I dragged myself to mom and dad and Bakmal and complained bout how miserable I feel because I can't do anything since my hands are so sticky that when it sticks together and I try to separate them it stings like hell and I couldn't even take off my tudung without worrying bout staining it. mom suggested minyak tanah (kerosene) and I'm like "...we don't even have thinner, how are we supposed to have minyak tanah?" so finally dad pitied me and told Bakmal to go buy thinner for me. contributed two bucks.

mom called me handicapped and Bakmal told me he got me medicine to heal myself with. very creative of them.
but yea, the thinner worked! although it wasn't that clean when I finished up after a shower it's all gone now; as if I never even did anything today.

Yesterday was Umar's 3rd birthday and although we already went to Pizza Hut to somewhat celebrate Abang decided to cook for lunch today and someone bought cake. apparently when I got home I could only stare at all the food although I was super hungry cuz my hands... T T Abang made honey chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, fajitas and some mushroom-onion mix that we were supposed to eat with the fajitas. also, what Bakmal calls 'tempura sausages' but in reality was just sausages fried with flour. everything was so unhealthy; not a single piece of vegetable lol. well except it you count onions but even those were fried. but it was really good and Umar got a train set from dad and he's super obsessed and emotionally attached to it. seriously.

school had been hectic. current homework to finish; mod maths mind map (smart holiday from last year. apparently Puan Chan made it compulsory if you wanna get 5 marks for formative. can't risk anything right? but well kinda regret not copying from the girls around me earlier in the year lol), chemistry PEKA, Physics PEKA and exercise, add maths homework, BM tatabahasa and bio module. and I didn't make Youngjae a birthday video yay.
Dad wants to go back to Johor but I'm always having tuition. I keep telling them they can go without me and Bakmal, but I guess they need Bakmal in case they get tired of driving and they're never getting the right time when Abang is free to stay at home with me. I don't wanna skip tuition. firstly, we paid for it and second, I really can't risk anything. not this year.


Monday, January 21, 2013

Self confidence level : somewhat low.

I'm feeling a bit left out.

They should've chosen a form 5 as the AJK Papan Kenyataan. I'm not saying me, just a form 5. Nazureen or Ashwini. Not that Afhwa (???), the form 3 isn't doing her work. Heck she's actually doing quite a good job. It's just that it's funny that they give priority to form 4 & 5's for deco team and basically a form 3 as a head.

Yes I made it clear that I'm against discrimination and this is somewhat a senior-junior conflict right here but it's not them. It's me. I know I wouldn't have done half as well as Ahfwa is doing right now, or even thought of the things she has thought of. And it's lowering my self confidence. As a senior, I should be able to do better?

It's the same as Ila in add maths class the other day. That guy (Mr. Ho? I can't remember but Ila would; they're basically in love ok) (jk Ila) told us to try this problem and said "if anyone can do it, I'll belanja that person McD! The mcvalue lunch one! Less than 10 ringgit!" And Ila fcking got it. After... wait no even before that our teacher kept glancing at Ila after almost every statement he gave. But that's not the point. Point is, Ila could do it, why can't I?


I guess I was just tired from house practice today and that's why when mom called me to sleep with her (ayah isn't home tonight) at around 9.30-10 I slept through until 4.30 am instead of that nap I intended.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

me being delusional again.

so EXO made a cover of H.O.T's We Are The Future in GDA. They also did their Warrior's Descendants in MAMA.

B.A.P made a cover of both far before MAMA. I just being delusional or does it seem a lot like SM is trying to say "no matter how well you did just know that we OWN the song and we have rookies too so they'll probably be much more outstanding performing it since it's their sunbaes, not yours."

another delusional opinion, f(x) didn't win best female rookie in MAMA 2009. neither did Secret but they both debuted that year. the repetition of rivalry history between SM and TS??
Yup I'm definitely delusional.

let me just satisfy my delusions ok

Warrior's Descendants



We Are The Future


(just the beginning, after the lights off is a diff song)


It's a bit hard to say anything since they did different parts of the songs and their dances were different and modified slightly too (mostly EXO since they have the right to do so lol). But man do I wanna see a dance battle between these two. It would be so fcking awesome and I'd have a huge review for it (like the B.A.P and BtoB one, minus the fact that they did covers). But I bet none of you wanna hear me crapping on bout this type of things again lol

Friday, January 18, 2013

Burden released.

Am I the only one who feels like, in form 5, everyone is so close with each other without much boundaries?
I never thought after what happened I would ever hug Shahira and tell her I love her. Although it was meant to be a joke I really do love and care about her just as much as the rest of Hubble. It just feels like ever since that thing happened I felt scared to express it.
But today, I somewhat feel like I just released a burden.

It's not just Shahira too. With the absence of SPM stress, something about how everyone is and how everyone reacts to everything feels much lighter. It feels like form 1 & 2 again - except we know each other much more now.

What sucks about school is that after all the stress, it's all over. No more free time to just hang out and talk with our friends and fool around. If we just get that amount of time like we did after PMR, thinking bout school right now would feel much better.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

the scientist.

I... I went to Paradigm the other day (wow its cold) and I passed by a Vans shop and saw some caps there so I think I'm gonna buy another cap for Guppie.
Nabihah told Ika that there might be another MOA later this year but since it's a mix artist I'm not planning to go. Instead I'm prepping myself for a CNBLUE concert since FNC's CEO apparently now knows Malaysia's existence.
I'll send the cap with another mix. I'm starting to collect songs for the mix already. I'll give Naddo's mix once I'm done doing the cover (which I feel like is taking forever. This is harder than B.A.P's mix since Naddo's an artist herself so she must have expectations) and burning the CD. The songs are all ready but T T
I've done my collab part for that collab I was forced into (tbh I don't think she likes it very much but well it was forced). My current project is for B.A.P's anniversary. Also I'm still in the process of editing the music for Jongup's birthday video. Using Bullettrain by I can't remember who. I'll post up the collab I'm hosting after Jongup's present is settled. Having a hard time trying to find time to do all this with school going on but I'll try.
Was wondering. My head's not really on GDA or anything. My head's not entirely on school neither. I think of these little projects but I never work on them (tbh I'm just tired tonight from all the depression). I found a lot of inspiration but still collecting them and I'll write something when I think up something really good. My family's not really in a big ruckus or anything.
So where is my head really? I feel like my thoughts are a bit lost. Wanted to say 'floating off somewhere' but I actually feel kinda heavy. So idk. I just feel lost.

sound of bap.

stupid hashtag. #SOUNDOFBAP lol wtf.

so I'm here to review B.A.P's Rain Sound (really Sound of Rain sounded nicer grammatically but I guess Koreans are that lazy to say 'of') and all it's literally elements~~ No I did not take time to analyze each and every scene or anything. just those that I found some meaning to it. and also the scenes that made me inspired to write a fic

okay so first of all the song. I love it. as usual. no it wasn't perfect though. it's suitable to be a tracklist, tbh. it's sort of like Voicemail. I'm used to it. I'm glad they decided to make an MV for this because it shows more variety for B.A.P. I'm not wishing for more badass B.A.P or anything like that anymore. Whatever they're doing, there's a reason so I'll accept it. I do wish they don't go all soft and start up with all that cute shit again. I think one vomiting session is enough. They can show their cute in varieties.

anyway in more depth towards the song. love the acoustic. I mentioned a lot in my mix that I wanted them to do a guitar line so yay wish come true haha. the parts were given out as equally as I can think of according to their abilities. they had dancing going on but I guess they're not trying to emphasize on it too much. I'm not even sure if they're gonna promote this song. even if they will, it'll probably a short cut of it just to open up their comeback later in February.

so the MV. I don't think there's really a clear story line to it or anything, just a bunch of depressing scenes so I'll cut towards their acting. I give Junhong 4.5/5. Yongguk, Himchan, 4/5. Daehyun 3.5/5 (his scene was mostly just him screaming which he actually does a lot on stage already so) Youngjae and Jongup 3/5. aigoo my Guppie is still a bit stiff. also some of you might've seen me tweet about Youngjae molesting that mannequin. how much more awkward can you be to accidentally caress a plastic body's boob seriously? I think it was awkward for him to work with naked female mannequins to begin with so okay. Jongup just didn't land on that mattress very naturally. yea that's it.
Yongguk and Himchan did their best showing their difference personality wise. lemme just point out this might not be the real them but just the role they're playing in the MV. Yongguk appears as hot-tempered; being upset in one moment, angry in another then sorrowful in the other. I especially liked his expression in the end - it seemed very real. a lot like defeat.

it's this scene but like I think it's better captured in a GIF or something lol.
Himchan appears as soft and emotional more on the inside like he doesn't show his emotions physically, but rather more on his actions. his face has only one expression but you can see that he's lost in thoughts and in the end burnt that mannequin head (although idk what the significance there is to that). they're both so different, the way they showed that was so creative too.

I cried at Junhong's acting. hands down. he had never dated anyone before but man, is he a good actor or what. i felt sad even when I watched the teaser tbh. it just seems so real. that glimpse when he looked like he smirked a bit like the pain brought him to a slight brain wreck but then he couldn't stand it and dropped the vase. it could've been better if he dropped it right by his feet (or if the camera captured that but i think the scene was shot without Junhong standing there) it'll look more real but I guess Junhong's feet > MV quality.

what else? that green rain thing reminded me of MBLAQ's Cry (especially when Jongup looked up it looked so much like Joon's pose ; ;) and the shooting thing.. I kinda wished they decided whether they would actually die or just be strong at the shots I mean most of it looked like they were just trying to look hot which disappoints me.

kinda blank rn cuz B.A.P's Malaysia. not really that excited I mean I was expecting pictures tbh but oh well.
I think you guys know but I was waiting to see if Jongup was wearing the cap I sent to him... but he didn't. oh well. don't wanna think about it too much. can't help but feel a bit sad though.
anyways loved Himchan's voice in this. it's much, much sweeter and idk I actually prefer it to Jongup's. Jongup sounded a bit sharp but I mean it's just preference not hating so.
dammit I feel bad it makes me sound like I'm bashing Jongup simply cuz he didn't wear the cap I spent 27 bucks on (honestly I'm not really sensitive about the price and all that I mean I think it's still considered cheap but it's still money and money don't come out flowing from the pipes in my house ok). but well yea I guess I'm always expectant from him. and as we all know with expectations comes disappointments so. can't say I didn't bring this on myself.

/sigh I should learn to love that asshole less.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

what is this mood.

a) this fic. 

b) wow someone actually commented on a post on SHL. on blogspot. what a miracle.

c) those days when I think back about my fics and how I could've done better. remember when I wanted to fix Mask into a more descriptive story and talk more about how their friendship was? now I'm thinking about how I should've described what Junhong felt in WMBK. Like, when he was punched or kicked, it must;ve hurt, right? As if his jaw was going to break or as if his ribs were going to crack under those feet but it didn't. I only thought of this when I actually watched it going on myself in School 2013. Sure Junhong was numb about it but he was still human. He could still feel. Even more after he met Jongup, right? Jongup brought him back to Earth. He was someone with thoughts and emotions but was never given the opportunity to do so, or even found someone who cared enough for those thoughts or emotions to matter.

when reality gets boring, I go back to fiction. school, I hate you. fine that poem might be fun to do and it can improve my writing description wise, mostly on nature or surroundings basically. but no I don't wanna write down a lab report on my chemistry experiment and no I don't want to write an essay about immunity. makes me wonder if it would've been better if I went to art stream but.

Okay, now let's talk discrimination. (or let's continue procrastinating and leave homework for late nights)

I entered Art Club because I like art, and I had Nadhrah to back me up in case I wind up being in the shadows again. Ida entered because she had me. When we were choosing B.O.D's, there was an obvious discrimination towards the art stream. there were three (according to Fern's post I believe Iffah is now in science, right?) and the other two had each other to support so they went along with whatever post they were given. on the other hand, Ida wasn't one of them and she only had me and I was so stupid to not have noticed at that time.
Ida wanted to be treasurer. But so did Harveena. when it came to that point of writing down who it was gonna be, there was no voting or whatsoever. They just wrote up Harveena's name as treasurer and Ida as vice.

It's obviously discrimination. obviously. towards the art stream, obviously. even if it was Art Club.

okay so maybe we shouldn't judge it like that. just because it's Art Club doesn't mean it should be ruled by art students, right? I mean this is our opportunity as science students to show our inner creativity. also it could be easier to communicate since we're all in the same class. but there should be a level of respect there. here is where I'm gonna sound two -sided. I'm always the fence girl, aren't I? for one, I am a science student and I'm not even there for the right reasons. it's all in the case of discrimination.

have you guys ever heard of Radhii? who am I kidding right? she's the girl who got straight A's for PMR but still chose to be in art stream. but question is, why did she have to move all the way to SA to do that? because no one will judge her. well, that's my conclusion to it. maybe she came from a school where it didn't matter. maybe she just had family problems and had to move here. but if I was Radhii, or even anyone else who preferred the art stream over science but still had a higher achievement academic wise (if you were still offended let me just say I chose my words very carefully) moving to a different school where no one knew what you were like or who you were labelled as in lower secondary form seems like a good opportunity to live as you wished. even more, people will look up to you for going against the flow of society.
what the society wants is that everyone who has a higher intellectual skills to be great people like doctors or lawyers or engineers. what they don't count is talent. more often, they count the skill to study what comes to you.

so what I'm trying to say is, if I was given a carefree world where everyone lived in peace and there was no such thing as judging, discriminating, labelling, pressuring from parents and of such, then I would've easily went to the art stream. lol I was still considering it in form 2, actually. until my mom knocked some sense into me.

no, the art stream is not bad. my mom was in the art stream but she turned out great. but it was what the society labels the art stream as. the reason people end up in art stream in the first place is because they didn't have the requirements to be in science stream. to be in science stream you'd have to ace multiple subjects as it will be harder on you. yes, science is harder than arts but that doesn't necessarily makes it better. if you have the ability to achieve high scores on PMR subjects, then you can of course, achieve if not good, high scores in the science stream too. but if you can't even ace science, how do you expect to hold up subjects like biology and physics? I'm not gonna say add-maths because most people nowadays still learn add-maths no matter what their stream. it's sort of a forced subject, actually. it was technically, aliran kemanusiaan, which isn't art, it's humanities. I wonder how people concluded it to be 'art stream' in English honestly.

therefore, when you don't have the ability to do well in your exams, people immediately label you as failures. but hey, look at some of the people who chose to be in the art stream. like Ida. she did better in her PMR than Shahira and look who got into where.

they say that you should stick to science stream because if you were in science, you would be flexible and be able to go anywhere - even back to arts. but if you were in arts then you can't go back to science. who the heck says so? the last time I checked art students still have the subject 'Science' in their syllables. also, since when did science students learn how to sketch or colour paint or sow?
yet again, it goes back to society. the reason science students can be accepted in art-streamed majors in college or uni is because people look up to them. they think "he's a science student - he can study well. let's give it to him."

when I told Ika about how Thivyaa tagged everyone else other than Ida in a post on FB about the B.O.D meeting (B.O.D referring to the top 6 positions) she got angry and ranted about discrimination. she said those people shouldn't have done that and it was unfair that they treated Ida based on the stream. what my response was, you can't change the people. you have to change for them.

that's what everyone now actually is doing, but without even realizing it. when asked "why did you enter science stream when your interests are clearly more towards arts?" a person can simply say because if he changes his mind to go to science and not arts then he would be safe. but he can still do arts even if he did science in school. no. you're wasting your teenage years learning things that you know at that point of time that you won't be using in the future. just in case you change your mind? how likely is that to happen? if your parents tell you so? if your friends or everyone else ended up doing something great? then you're not being you. you're being what society wants you to be.

if someone asks you that question, the only smart answer is "because I'm living the life society wants kids like me to live." either that or you shut up and smile. people will know.

the reason I think this way is because I am no one. I'm just a sixteen year old, turning seventeen in about four months. I have no power. I have no influence. I don't have my people in school. I don't have readers or followers or people who look up to me. I cannot change the majority. I can only tell the minority what I think is right and how we would have to serve the majority, but still keep in mind of the truth, and be the silent smartasses we actually are.

on the next episode, I shall reveal to you how counselling teachers are actually hypocrites who tell us to follow our hearts and interest but in the end discriminates us all too! see you next time on How To Be A Fucking Genius Hipster!

P.S, now I silently regret telling Ika about the tagging thing on FB because it could've simply be because Thivyaa wasn't friends with Ida on FB. She had no reason to be.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

"Trying to participate".

Mom gave me a lecture about negativity today. I don't know. Am I negative? Or is it normal for teenagers to question themselves and their abilities at this age? If so then my mom seemed to have forgotten how it was like to be my age. Or maybe she just had never felt like this before. She seems like that type of person.

When mom started on 'trying' I was thinking about how I listened to that song someone put up for a collab and thinking that the song was too hard and deciding to not join it. But then when the uploader didn't have enough people particilating, she PMed me asking if I was interested in joining. It felt like an honour since that editor was good (why else would I sub to her) so I just chose one of the earlier parts, since the other parts were either the chorus or the ending and collabs need really good editors to make an impact on those. On the side note, probably positivity is good but being approached because you were negative before makes you feel good? Idk.
Also I was thinking of making a collab with Krewella's Come & Get It. Dance themed, since it's partial dubstep. I'm not sure when though. I've never hosted a collab before so kinda nervous about it. And for B.A.P's 1st anniversary, idk I thought of Ellie Goulding's Lights. What do you guys think? It's quite ok lyric-wise, and good music-wise since there's a lyric break where I can put in Yongguk's acceptance speech at the Melon's Awards.
Moving on.

I got back from the first Literature class of 2013 today and we were discussing the play. We were assigning roles and I volunteered for the Technical Team 2, which is under filming. And Eva, if you're reading, they put you under Technical Team 1 (sound and lighting). You'd probably hear from them before you read this anyway so whatever.
They wanted to make a trailer and there's gonna be a scene where we'll be using the LCD to show the pre-recorded shots. I volunteered because although the LCD thing can easily use Window's Movie Maker the trailer will need Sony Vegas and I doubt anyone in class at that time knew how to use it so. No one wanted to assist me though and I'm gonna have to approach the Photography Club for help on filming (I can't work a camera ok) so it makes me feel sad that I'm alone on this.

Mom questioned why I didn't want to act and why I can't just film myself and when I started giving excuses I guess that's when she started on the negativity thing. Can't she see that I volunteered for my position though?
I also volunteered for my AJK English position but I'm starting to feel kinda bad about it. I guess this is where mom's right. My English teacher is definitely more fond of Maha than me and it makes it worse when I was going to hand in the essays and Maha was there and she told me to tie my shoelaces so when teacher came to the door I was crouching at a corner and she only saw it as Maha sending over the books when I was the one who carried it from the 3rd floor to the Physics' lab to the teacher's room.

I felt even more negative when we got our school magazine. I was browsing through it with Ika and while Ika was part of the B.O.D for two clubs I was just like "...yea I wasn't expecting anything." Honestly last year was quite bad for me participation wise because I missed Sports Day for my Aussie trip and Guides' Gathering for the stupid Langkawi trip. But either way chances of my picture being in the magazine (other than class photo) is close to nil honestly. I don't recall the Guides' Gathering even part of the Features (which sucks! It should've been in no matter how bad it was). I'm mostly proud of seeing my name under the 8A's achievers list. I felt even more proud seeing Ika on the same list and Sya, Ain and Aina on the 7A's list. It just felt good. Knowing we worked on it together.
Also, the story I submitted for Literary Works didn't get published.

Honestly, I just feel bad that none of my mom's children excelled in school activities, unlike how she was and that she would be disappointed with me because I didn't live up to her stardom back when she was my age. Is it that I feel somewhat competitive towards my mom in the past?

I hate competition. Let's start off with the Writer's Awards 2013. I would have never remembered about it if I didn't read Fern's blog post. In fact, I wouldn't have even known about it until Ika pointed it out to me. Now I feel like I shouldn't join. Why? Because Fern, who genuinely noticed it and thought of joining it immediately and kept it in her thoughts would be competing too.
Iman Razak is in my class. Out of all classes. And Ashwini too. And even without good writers in my class, I still lose out to average writers. Anesha wrote an amazing piece and I doubt she ever thought of being a writer.
I feel like crying thinking bout how I want to be a writer so much but I can't even get the best marks in English for PMR. That title belongs to Dhanya. If I can't do what I like well, what can I do well? It just feels like nothing.

When I told mom about the Neda thing she scolded me. She told me (something she has said for the umpteenth time) that when she was my age, she specifically wanted to be a PJK teacher. Who would've thought she turned out to be a lawyer? Definitely not her.
A lot of teachers turned out like this too. I remember Pn Saras telling us she wanted to be an athlete but ended up getting a scholarship for TSEL. There were other teachers whose first intention was to do something else too but they ended up here in Sri Aman. Just proves that the world will give us everything we never expected from it.
It's the only way I keep positive, honestly. Keeping quiet and thinking that if Allah SWT wanted to, then He will give me what I deserve. It just hurts, right now. A lot.


Monday, January 7, 2013

Bc I just love procrastinating.

Right now I'm just fine lying by myself, a whole bed to myself, save my homework which I'm basically using as a pillow.

But sometimes I just feel insecure and wish someone would just hold me. I can't remember the last time I felt like this. Probably somewhere in December last year.

Still. When I lie down like this and see my Jongup wallpaper I wonder how it feels like to have someone hold and protect you. To just be there and listen to your absent minded thoughts and share his. Especially someone with broad shoulders and strong arms like my guppie but let's face it that's near impossible.

Once I asked mom, "Does it feel nice? To have someone next to you every night?"

"Yes. Very."


Sunday, January 6, 2013

in comparison.

So hopefully I can express this quickly because I still have some homework left to do and well how did the weekends pass by so quickly.
I was looking for material for the English board in my class so first place I went to was stuffatschool. Apparently since I signed up for Starstruck I've been quite the loyal reader. Then I came across this article about an internship or of some sorts and so I decided it was about last year's Starstruck and wanted to read what I missed out on. Then I found out Neda, a childhood friend of mine, was the writer.

See I kinda discovered that she was involved with Stuff@School since the article about how to pass through Stage 2 included an example photo of what they wanted and the name was 'NEDA' I sort of got a clue. Wasn't sure if it was her or one of her sisters though. Then during my cousin's wedding, we had to hire an emergency MC and the woman was my mom's friend who lived around the neighbourhood. Apparently, she was a teacher from Assunta. there's a funny story of how she 'despised' Sri Aman but let's leave that for some other post. I asked her about Neda, and yes, apparently she was involved and apparently she was also the vice head prefect in her school. Kind of expected it from Neda.

So I read the article and while it wasn't amazingly written, it was there and she experienced it and she's known and I'm not. See, I've always known Neda was capable of big things, and of course I wasn't surprised she would be picked to get an internship here but see, I'm starting to think maybe journalism just isn't for me.

I already wrote my essay for English and the topic was supposed to be "My Dream and My Plans to Achieve It" or of some sorts and I already wrote there how I'll be going through not what I'm really interested in but I'll do it anyway if that's what I have to do to become a writer. It's just that. Even though I know my lack of interest or talent in it and I'm only using it to get what I actually want... I just wonder.

Anyone can write. But to have a profession? I don't think I can have that. Why? Because I don't have a certain interest. An interest that can be made into a living and something to be known for.
I can easily become some biotech scientist but will I like it? Is it my interest? It's interesting but I don't wanna live my whole life working in a lab.

I said I would be quick with this so I'll just end this here. /sigh so much for weekend break. I barely got to watch the latest School 2013 episode. I'm not sure if I'll be watching WGM. School 2013 just brings out the angst in me btw. Trying to get a different genre but dammit. Angst is just so good.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Jongup had been worrying me.

Its complicated and I'll just end up looking like I over thought about it and like I care too much about someone who doesn't know my existence. But I had to put it somewhere.

He's been worrying me and sometimes I just wish I could call him up and ask if anything's wrong but I can't.

Yah, Moon Jongup. Stop it. I'm starting to think you have bowel cancer or something. I'm not sure what you should stop doing but whatever it is, talk to someone and be you again, okay? The smiling angel... although it seemed cliche, I kinda miss him.


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

day one - over.

I won't say it's bad but it was tiring. I'm just glad I'm finally getting started on the last year of school.

Lol I'm listening to Naddo's mix CD and the line that was just sung was "there's nothing left for us" which somehow fits the statement above.

I don't like where I'm sitting in class because it's so hot but I guess it's okay. As long as it's not at the back. So far asking questions hadn't been a problem, other than in the bio lab but teacher said we'll change it later. Also, I volunteered as English representitive again. If the teacher's Puan Puteri. Well. It'll be for the fifth year straight.

I like Naddo's mix so far, and I'm planning to start collecting songs to make a mix for her too. Maybe I should start making for others too. It's fun, and I like the thought of telling my children about how I made mix CD's for my friends and we shared music together like we would sneak the CD around cuz it was an illegal item. And guess who was the first person I made a mix for?

My classmates are okay, I guess. Most of them are the nicer ones - the ones I never had a bad impression of. I can say I can get along with Amirah and Naquiah, but it's fine if I don't cuz Ili and Ika are right in front of me. I slept in Agama only and I don't think ustazah particularly cared. Nadhrah tried pinching my wrists but I don't think it was hard enough. Had enough sleep to get me going for the rest of the day without it lol.

Pn. Komathi seems nice and I would love her as my maths teacher but apparently she's gonna do her PhD so. :( Pn. Evelyn reminded us about how much closer we are to SPM and should start revising form 4 now and it sort of made me feel bad. I kinda didn't really study much for physics last year so there won't be much for me to revise - more like things to relearn.

Lol there's English tomorrow so I'm nervous to know who it is. I gotta keep up with my piano lessons too but according to Ika there's tuition tomorrow so I have no idea when I'll have time to practice. According to my plan a few weeks back, so far so good. I've finished most of my homework at school, and I'm planning to revise physics tonight. Note to self; need to buy past year questions.

Sigh. This year's gonna be tough. Wonder what the Jap students are taking for clubs. I have art in mind, but I still don't know bout sports. Heard that koku registration is next week. Well might as well do something useful for the long Wednesdays.