Tuesday, January 8, 2013

"Trying to participate".

Mom gave me a lecture about negativity today. I don't know. Am I negative? Or is it normal for teenagers to question themselves and their abilities at this age? If so then my mom seemed to have forgotten how it was like to be my age. Or maybe she just had never felt like this before. She seems like that type of person.

When mom started on 'trying' I was thinking about how I listened to that song someone put up for a collab and thinking that the song was too hard and deciding to not join it. But then when the uploader didn't have enough people particilating, she PMed me asking if I was interested in joining. It felt like an honour since that editor was good (why else would I sub to her) so I just chose one of the earlier parts, since the other parts were either the chorus or the ending and collabs need really good editors to make an impact on those. On the side note, probably positivity is good but being approached because you were negative before makes you feel good? Idk.
Also I was thinking of making a collab with Krewella's Come & Get It. Dance themed, since it's partial dubstep. I'm not sure when though. I've never hosted a collab before so kinda nervous about it. And for B.A.P's 1st anniversary, idk I thought of Ellie Goulding's Lights. What do you guys think? It's quite ok lyric-wise, and good music-wise since there's a lyric break where I can put in Yongguk's acceptance speech at the Melon's Awards.
Moving on.

I got back from the first Literature class of 2013 today and we were discussing the play. We were assigning roles and I volunteered for the Technical Team 2, which is under filming. And Eva, if you're reading, they put you under Technical Team 1 (sound and lighting). You'd probably hear from them before you read this anyway so whatever.
They wanted to make a trailer and there's gonna be a scene where we'll be using the LCD to show the pre-recorded shots. I volunteered because although the LCD thing can easily use Window's Movie Maker the trailer will need Sony Vegas and I doubt anyone in class at that time knew how to use it so. No one wanted to assist me though and I'm gonna have to approach the Photography Club for help on filming (I can't work a camera ok) so it makes me feel sad that I'm alone on this.

Mom questioned why I didn't want to act and why I can't just film myself and when I started giving excuses I guess that's when she started on the negativity thing. Can't she see that I volunteered for my position though?
I also volunteered for my AJK English position but I'm starting to feel kinda bad about it. I guess this is where mom's right. My English teacher is definitely more fond of Maha than me and it makes it worse when I was going to hand in the essays and Maha was there and she told me to tie my shoelaces so when teacher came to the door I was crouching at a corner and she only saw it as Maha sending over the books when I was the one who carried it from the 3rd floor to the Physics' lab to the teacher's room.

I felt even more negative when we got our school magazine. I was browsing through it with Ika and while Ika was part of the B.O.D for two clubs I was just like "...yea I wasn't expecting anything." Honestly last year was quite bad for me participation wise because I missed Sports Day for my Aussie trip and Guides' Gathering for the stupid Langkawi trip. But either way chances of my picture being in the magazine (other than class photo) is close to nil honestly. I don't recall the Guides' Gathering even part of the Features (which sucks! It should've been in no matter how bad it was). I'm mostly proud of seeing my name under the 8A's achievers list. I felt even more proud seeing Ika on the same list and Sya, Ain and Aina on the 7A's list. It just felt good. Knowing we worked on it together.
Also, the story I submitted for Literary Works didn't get published.

Honestly, I just feel bad that none of my mom's children excelled in school activities, unlike how she was and that she would be disappointed with me because I didn't live up to her stardom back when she was my age. Is it that I feel somewhat competitive towards my mom in the past?

I hate competition. Let's start off with the Writer's Awards 2013. I would have never remembered about it if I didn't read Fern's blog post. In fact, I wouldn't have even known about it until Ika pointed it out to me. Now I feel like I shouldn't join. Why? Because Fern, who genuinely noticed it and thought of joining it immediately and kept it in her thoughts would be competing too.
Iman Razak is in my class. Out of all classes. And Ashwini too. And even without good writers in my class, I still lose out to average writers. Anesha wrote an amazing piece and I doubt she ever thought of being a writer.
I feel like crying thinking bout how I want to be a writer so much but I can't even get the best marks in English for PMR. That title belongs to Dhanya. If I can't do what I like well, what can I do well? It just feels like nothing.

When I told mom about the Neda thing she scolded me. She told me (something she has said for the umpteenth time) that when she was my age, she specifically wanted to be a PJK teacher. Who would've thought she turned out to be a lawyer? Definitely not her.
A lot of teachers turned out like this too. I remember Pn Saras telling us she wanted to be an athlete but ended up getting a scholarship for TSEL. There were other teachers whose first intention was to do something else too but they ended up here in Sri Aman. Just proves that the world will give us everything we never expected from it.
It's the only way I keep positive, honestly. Keeping quiet and thinking that if Allah SWT wanted to, then He will give me what I deserve. It just hurts, right now. A lot.


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