Tuesday, May 13, 2014

a blast from the past.

ahhh, I remember now... even when I was twelve you would find me writing something on a piece of scrap paper torn from the middle of an exercise book when idle... I haven't changed much - you can still find me staring off into space, my hand cradling my chin as I think of possible scenes in my life or in the life of my fictional characters and write and rewrite and rewrite them in my head. how can I possibly explain how much I love writing? it's the only way I can express myself.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

a somewhat sad post about turning eighteen.

I turned eighteen a few hours ago.
Okay it might not have been a few; in the United States time I was born around 2AM and that makes it 2PM Malaysian time at that moment and 2PM right now is about five hours ago so is that counted as a few? The English language is funny; we say "a couple of" when we could've said "two" in the sake of making things sound fancy. why waste our breath for an extra three syllables? but this is the culture we live in.

Anyway, by the time I turned 18, I had a driving license. I had an idea of where I was going to further my studies (I'm waiting for what Allah SWT has planned for me to come). My family is in a somewhat peaceful state (at least no one is arrested at this moment). And I'm not getting myself into trouble. I am in peace with people I know. No grudges. No unhappy ways.
But I don't seem to feel fulfilled.

This might be just me being whiny about wanting to have a sense of belonging in this world again, like I did a few months ago - the phase before I got a job and after my South Korea trip - as if I have no purpose in life and everything would be fine if I wasn't around. My friends were all celebrating my turning of age and I was there lying on the sofa across the room like, what is there to celebrate? Nothing will get better just because I'm legal now. Things are just the same. If you compare between after our schooling years before our 18th birthday and after our birthday, we are treated the same. it's as if, if we never turned 18 that will be fine; we're not in school anymore anyway. so what makes the difference?

I think, in many ways it's affected by our backgrounds too. probably, a person who has to be independent, in maybe a situation where he/she has no guardians to support or take care of her - that person will need this 'legality' to have a job, to do official 'adult' things themselves. but being the privileged town girl that I am I don't feel the sense of independence. not yet. I'm still that girl who needs to be guided by her parents here and there; the girl who needs someone to drive her to a certain place because she doesn't know the way; the girl who eats food provided by responsible guardians and not with her own hard earned money, no matter how much she has made working part time (it wasn't like she needed it anyway; it's just for the experience and to fill in her time).
all this makes me wonder if all privileged town girls like me feel this way - as if there's nothing to celebrate when they turn 18. where are the unicorns of turning legal? I've always felt a bit too matured for my age anyway. I talk about serious stuff while 20 year olds still joke about poop. my brother congratulated me and welcomed me into 'the club'. what is there to discover in this club of theirs? what are the realities that legal adults know that we don't? is there anything to discover? or is it still too early to realize them?

so if any of you fascinates about turning legal this year or any time at all; don't be. mental age does not come with your years. even if you're twenty five and still have the mind of a sixteen year old there is no point to being an adult. sure, there are limits to underaged people, but keep in mind that when you come to the point of being able to do them, you would probably have other priorities. a person can feel 40 years old when they were 17, and another would feel 15 at the age of 68. and being an adult, does not at all, give you a sense of freedom. some say if your soul is free, there is nothing that can stop you. but I'm being realistic here guys - some cages you just can't escape. not when the time is not right.

Out.