Sunday, September 14, 2014

people.

I fall in love with people.

Okay, this is cheesy, but I fall in love with the idea of people. I just don't like admitting it because I don't want to be seen as gullible. That's the problem. Humans can be so fascinating on the outside that you can completely fall head over heels oceans deep in love with them without even really knowing them at all.

I'm a sucker okay I'm a sucker when it comes to people men or women they're equally attractive to me although of course ehem I find men much more attractive. I'd use the word irresistible if I had to. From the way they look to the way they laugh to the way they hesitate in answering that spontaneous question during their presentation. I'd find something to relate to their actions to 'cute', at least. My classmates are terrible victims to this, even when they don't know it. I think I've labeled all of them cute at least once in this entire two months. Some of them, more than once. and some, several times. those people should hide from me right now because I've probably dug deep about you. probably crushed on you too. And I've got like 9 male classmates. terrible situation for me. probably crushed on like half of them.

the reason I'm writing this (and also suddenly reviving this dead blog) is because I need to get my head out of something. out of this infatuation. I have to forget about him - I have to stop thinking about how all the boys I've given more than five sentences in a chat app to were the highest degree of 'affection' I could ever get. I sigh at myself as I romanticize every decent boy I meet. It's terrible, being this naive and yet having some sort of intelligence to figure out I'm stupidly naive. it's a push and pull between myself - "oh man he's so cute and perfect and I want him to be mine" "shut up elyna he has no special feelings for you" "he hates me and i know it look at how he looks at me in comparison to other girls" "you're over thinking again he doesn't think twice about you you're just another girl he neither hates nor loves you" "gosh he's so nice he said hi to me first i think i might marry this gu---" "OH MY GOD ELYNA YOU CANNOT BE THINKING ABOUT MARRIAGE AT EIGHTEEN YOU'VE GOT A MILLION GUYS TO GO THROUGH STOP THIS"

and yet, how do I know that I've got a million more guys to come? I'm eighteen years old and I can't count the amount of crushes I had with my fingers but if my fingers were the amount of relationships I've been in since I was born I would be a powerpuff girl. that's how miserable it is to be me. they say the time will come but it's so lonely, it really is. those nights I want to lie in bed and hide under sheets I wish there would be someone to hug me from behind me and kiss the top of my head. it's so weird that an introverted person would want someone to be alone with them. it's like, I don't to be around people all the time, and yet I want to be surrounded by presence. sometimes I walk out of class for no real reason and just feel the presence of everyone around and pretend I don't exist. but yet I know I do so I don't fully feel the security to people-watch. although sometimes people ignore my existence and that's cool. they don't have to cover up around me.

it's weird. wanting to just notice other people, and yet wishing I was living some sort of exciting life. it's dull, to be the observer. I had a crush on someone who had a girlfriend once. even after awhile I check out his twitter. once, long after I've gotten over him, he posted a picture of him and his girlfriend and I broke down. I figured it wasn't that I wanted to be with that boy, but I wanted my own picture, with my own boy. it's terrible. it's miserable.

sorry if this wasn't very inspiring nor informative. I'm just feeling very down - waiting for my current crush to email our group project's last draft. see, get to know, like, break yourself, get over it, repeat cycle. I'll get to you guys when the cycle stops.

Out.

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