Wednesday, November 25, 2015


(this was written in October, I think?)

I'm starting to think that my lack of creative output lately is due to the fact that I spend a lot less time alone in college. There is a difference, between being alone like everyone else is asleep and you're up doing accounts and alone like everyone else is asleep and you have all the space in the night to do whatever you want and not be worried of what the person sleeping in the next room is thinking.

I guess it's also the availability to access the internet for more resources, but I've been blaming the lack of internet since forever.

However, the other day I ran out of data and I was left to either do my work (which I have been facing for the past long hours and was getting sick of) or watch movies. So I decided to rewatch Boyhood. Not a lot of people are fond of that movie. Yea, it's a bit slow and there's no climax or real plot there. If anything, his mother had more plots than he did. But that's just it; it's continuous. Even after the movie, Mason Evans Jr is still living his life, and so will we. His boyhood had been put down in 3 hours for us to reflect our own childhood, for us to go through our own nostalgia through the eras that is reflected throughout the movie. It's not the best movie I've ever watched, but it is a good movie.

Anyway, after I watched the movie I decided to go to bed. Before that, I wrote a little bit in my journal. I think, when we're alone, we're much more honest to who we are. We're less vulnerable to act based on what you want other people to think of you. We listen to music based on what we hear and not on what others hear. I realized that I don't like listening to the radio because that's what everyone else is listening to - that's what everyone is liking. I also hate that when I go on a car ride with someone and that person goes all "Ugh, I hate this song." Sometimes it's because I like that song, but other times it's because I don't want her opinion to effect mine. The more time I spend with just one person, the more that person will rub on me. I've seen it happen one too many times.

Point is, I wonder if in this age, where we're still, I believe, trying to discover ourselves, it's better to be alone more often or to be with others more often. Maybe that introvert-extrovert thing has something to do with this - some find themselves in people around them, and others find it in solitary.

Friday, July 31, 2015

we just won't be.

it's obvious we have nothing in common and I don't know how to talk to him and if you look at our stars and try to fit the puzzle you'd know we were never meant to be.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

reasons why this raya won't be fun.

first reason: family issues.

second reason: i'm currently majoring in graphic design, not liberal arts yet i get funky combination of subjects for this semester. we're trying to write a letter each to our college to change our subjects but that quieted down real quick (like after a day, then adani just stopped talking bout it) (maybe he just doesn't wanna push us which i would do too probably) but look see let's look at it at a more emotional point of view; he asked us to write the letter on Wednesday, after 5 first classes together as Kansas. our first class was a design class so yea but the other four, it was just us and it kinda felt fun to be in a small class, and consistently being so. instead of like spring we have only class different, and I think i'm beginning to let loose (what with lesser voices to speak their mind or judge what i do) although maybe Friday where i was singing love live songs out loud was a bit too much, so i might tone it down a bit. anyway as much as i want to have art-related classes, i also love being with my classmates, but i know which one is more important. i don't find it very inspiring to study biology and go back to my pure science stream roots, but i'm not quick on my feet to write that letter to the head of our department neither. but i have to do it. after all, don't all art students fight for freedom or speech and basic human rights and such?

third reason: it's only been the first week and i feel swarmed with assignments. i have a mood board due Tuesday and I know it's gonna involve just printing and pasting and I'll probably have the printed material done by tonight and just need to buy a base to collage everything on, but it's still work and i'm probably the laziest person on earth right now. don't even mention biology homework like ugh, the thing about memorizing subjects is that it requires a lot of essay assignments and, that - memorizing. not to mention the research project. it's kinda obvious i'll just go with radhii's dinosaur fetish since i'm too lazy to really think of something i wanna do (honestly the most interesting thing to me in spm bio was the genes thing and idk i kinda forgot some things and i have no idea what current issue can be related to genes conspiracy or whatever). unluckily, the things we've been learning in bio isn't just bio, but also some chemistry stuff, like molecules. i know that they're pretty basic knowledge + a bit of critical thinking, since it's like, degree standard, but i pity radhii who has to catch up on a whole lot more than the rest of us do, since we already learned it. then there's maths - but we won't have class until after raya so yay. i'm expecting more assignments from accounts (yes we are also taking accounts. may we be artists who can do our own taxes) and technical writing (resume writing blablabla) so i better get the current assignments done before raya break starts. time will fly so fast i won't even see the end of the year coming.

forth reason: i like someone who evidently showed on his twitter that he probably likes someone who is probably not me. then again, who would ever like me?


I should probably add that now we have a house in Tanjung Malim and mom wants to prove to me that they have everything I need and more there, but I really am not at that age where I can accept change very well. it's like, everything is going very fast for me, and homeis where i slow down. how can I slow down if I keep moving from shah alam to PJ to tanjung malim and back? I really don't need to be there. I know that they've got everything there for my parents to settle down, away from the busy city, but I'm so comfortable here, like everything I need, I know how to get to it. 

before breaking fast today I went to the backyard. the grass was (obviously) untrimmed, there was a carpet that was hung over the rusty swing for days now, and near the walls were chicken bones and cat vomit. I looked up and the ginormous rambutan tree from my childhood had long been cut down, the light not providing much shade over the table and benches my mom told a contractor to build up real quick some time ago. I grew up here, at this house with the dusty tiles that make your sole black after picking up the laundry. i fell in the drain outside those gates one day i was learning to ride a bike. ive cried, laughed and jumped on the bed in my room, with my brothers. I grew up in this house. and now it doesn't even feel like my house.

I guess I can say I miss my childhood; that I don't want things to go faster anymore, and yeah, just like everyone else, I wanna go back to when I said "I wish I was an adult" and slap myself in the face, because it is never, never better than it was back then. 


Tuesday, March 10, 2015


I remember in high school people told me to not worry about things in the future, and that I should just concentrate on studying and doing well for my SPM.

Now I'm worrying about way too many other things and I know my examinations are important but I don't like it to be. Experiencing a life where you don't have to be the smartest or most studious to succeed or be liked makes me feel like there's more to this than staying up late just to finish memorizing my slides. I want to work on those other things; either possible or not, instead. But I guess this is a good emotional break. At least I don't have to feel so many emotions for a few days.

But really, people will continuously told us, as high school students, that we shouldn't worry about the economy or politics or social justice, and suddenly we were thrown into college being expected to know more about the world than our parents do. Being the next generation, I know it's our responsibility, but I hated it when they say "Just concentrate on your studies for now" and then expect us to know better. Thank you very much for raising me up with all the knowledge of the world and then giving me a scholarship to do something that I can't see myself doing in the future.

Opening up to the world of art slowly, I'm realizing that I probably would do better taking fine arts than graphic design & animation. This is mostly because I am not open to the world of film & animation or entertainment. I don't know the mainstream culture and I draw emotionally; meaning I don't cater to the public's preference. I would also die as an architect. If anything, if I had to do engineering, I probably would. It has a better future than graphic design, that's for sure.

I guess at this point, I'm hoping Allah has a better plan for me. Because I don't know if I'm happy - I probably am, but I'm scared too. Scared that I have nothing to look forward to anymore. The future has too much potential - both in succeeding and failing, and I'm scared to find out.


Saturday, February 14, 2015

something I'm proud of, finally.

so I got the task of writing the conclusion for my Theology and Philosophy folio, and our title was Abrahamic Faiths so here's the conclusion I wrote which I became so proud of hehehehehe

It has been over 1400 years since the last of the Abrahamic faiths, Islam, has been found, and yet, the three religions has not found peace among themselves. No country escapes the grasps of discrimination or disrespect between different religions, and it is hard to bring down boundaries that had been built by our ancestors who believed in bringing up their own religion instead of peacefully living together. When Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) pilgrimage to Yathrib (now known as Madinah) in the year 623 M, he had made agreements with their people called the Pledges of Aqaba which provided that believers of different religions (particularly Judaism) were able to live together peacefully. In fact, they invited Prophet Muhammad PBUH with intention to ask him to bring peace among their people who are of different tribes. Even with the perfect example of our beloved prophet who held no grudges or hatred towards other religions, we still practice the attitude of going against any other religion instead of trying to resolve problems with peace and harmony.
A recent incident is the killing of Charlie Hebdo, an anti-Semitic cartoonist who was shot down along with some other staff of his office and two police officers minutes after posting a tweet that was intended to criticize the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS). Although many do not support Charlie Hebdo and his acts of disrespecting the three religions included as part of the Abrahamic faiths through his cartoons, the killing was inhumane to majority of our society hence condemned. It was a barbaric act that was not something that any religion had taught to be the way to solve any disagreements. Another incident involving the Western society and its Islamophobia is the killing of three Muslims in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. The shooter was an Atheist neighbor who had previously shown dislike towards the couple who lived there. The sister who came to visit had just graduated with a degree. This had caused an uproar in social networking media, as it was an act of hate towards people who had proven to have not harmed anyone publicly, mainly because of their religion. These acts of killing others of different beliefs has proven the backward civilization our society is going through, as we are learning to act inhumanely, as if animals, to kill those we dislike instead of critically thinking of ways to work together, disregarding our religion and beliefs to improve the way we live through technology.
Miroslav Volf, a professor at Yale Divinity School, had given opinions about Christians and Muslims worshipping the same god. He mentions that whether they do was the most common question asked when he speaks of the two religions ever since the 9/11 incident. He believes that with such common grounds and basis of their beliefs, Christians and Muslims, although with different ideas of god, do worship the same one. He also believes that this is the basis of the two most practiced religions being brought to live peacefully together, and discuss ideas that will improve our society. It is not the question of difference in belief, but more of the question whether we have any similarities that could bring our world to a better place, and Volf is a big believer of this. In an article he wrote for Huffington Post, he writes “Whether Muslims and Christians worship the same God is also the driving question for the relation between these two religions globally. Does the one God of Islam stand in contrast to the three-personal God of Christianity? Does the Muslim God issue fierce, unbending laws and demand submission, whereas the Christian God stands for love, equal dignity and the right of every individual to be different? Answer these questions the one way, and you have a justification for cultural and military wars. Answer them the other way, and you have a foundation for a shared future marked by peace rather than violence.” By understanding Volf’s perspective of the issue, we can see that our future can either be divided by war or brought together by respect, and that the choice in our hands who hold onto one of the three religions of the Abrahamic faiths, the biggest religions of the world.


Waddle, R. (2011, March 7). Yale Divinity School. Retrieved February 15, 2015, from

Read, M. (2015, July 1). What Is Charlie Hebdo? The Cartoons that Made the French Paper Infamous. Retrieved February 15, 2015, from