Friday, July 31, 2015

we just won't be.

it's obvious we have nothing in common and I don't know how to talk to him and if you look at our stars and try to fit the puzzle you'd know we were never meant to be.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

reasons why this raya won't be fun.

first reason: family issues.

second reason: i'm currently majoring in graphic design, not liberal arts yet i get funky combination of subjects for this semester. we're trying to write a letter each to our college to change our subjects but that quieted down real quick (like after a day, then adani just stopped talking bout it) (maybe he just doesn't wanna push us which i would do too probably) but look see let's look at it at a more emotional point of view; he asked us to write the letter on Wednesday, after 5 first classes together as Kansas. our first class was a design class so yea but the other four, it was just us and it kinda felt fun to be in a small class, and consistently being so. instead of like spring we have only class different, and I think i'm beginning to let loose (what with lesser voices to speak their mind or judge what i do) although maybe Friday where i was singing love live songs out loud was a bit too much, so i might tone it down a bit. anyway as much as i want to have art-related classes, i also love being with my classmates, but i know which one is more important. i don't find it very inspiring to study biology and go back to my pure science stream roots, but i'm not quick on my feet to write that letter to the head of our department neither. but i have to do it. after all, don't all art students fight for freedom or speech and basic human rights and such?

third reason: it's only been the first week and i feel swarmed with assignments. i have a mood board due Tuesday and I know it's gonna involve just printing and pasting and I'll probably have the printed material done by tonight and just need to buy a base to collage everything on, but it's still work and i'm probably the laziest person on earth right now. don't even mention biology homework like ugh, the thing about memorizing subjects is that it requires a lot of essay assignments and, that - memorizing. not to mention the research project. it's kinda obvious i'll just go with radhii's dinosaur fetish since i'm too lazy to really think of something i wanna do (honestly the most interesting thing to me in spm bio was the genes thing and idk i kinda forgot some things and i have no idea what current issue can be related to genes conspiracy or whatever). unluckily, the things we've been learning in bio isn't just bio, but also some chemistry stuff, like molecules. i know that they're pretty basic knowledge + a bit of critical thinking, since it's like, degree standard, but i pity radhii who has to catch up on a whole lot more than the rest of us do, since we already learned it. then there's maths - but we won't have class until after raya so yay. i'm expecting more assignments from accounts (yes we are also taking accounts. may we be artists who can do our own taxes) and technical writing (resume writing blablabla) so i better get the current assignments done before raya break starts. time will fly so fast i won't even see the end of the year coming.

forth reason: i like someone who evidently showed on his twitter that he probably likes someone who is probably not me. then again, who would ever like me?


I should probably add that now we have a house in Tanjung Malim and mom wants to prove to me that they have everything I need and more there, but I really am not at that age where I can accept change very well. it's like, everything is going very fast for me, and homeis where i slow down. how can I slow down if I keep moving from shah alam to PJ to tanjung malim and back? I really don't need to be there. I know that they've got everything there for my parents to settle down, away from the busy city, but I'm so comfortable here, like everything I need, I know how to get to it. 

before breaking fast today I went to the backyard. the grass was (obviously) untrimmed, there was a carpet that was hung over the rusty swing for days now, and near the walls were chicken bones and cat vomit. I looked up and the ginormous rambutan tree from my childhood had long been cut down, the light not providing much shade over the table and benches my mom told a contractor to build up real quick some time ago. I grew up here, at this house with the dusty tiles that make your sole black after picking up the laundry. i fell in the drain outside those gates one day i was learning to ride a bike. ive cried, laughed and jumped on the bed in my room, with my brothers. I grew up in this house. and now it doesn't even feel like my house.

I guess I can say I miss my childhood; that I don't want things to go faster anymore, and yeah, just like everyone else, I wanna go back to when I said "I wish I was an adult" and slap myself in the face, because it is never, never better than it was back then.