Sunday, October 16, 2016

publicized.

So this is my 'main blog'. I don't write as often anymore and I'm going to give the excuse of not having time for it, although I do have time to watch videos on YouTube, play Love Live and sleep so there's the truth. But when you experience some stuff and you think it's something you have to write down so that you don't forget, here I am.

Spring - Summer 2015.

I wrote a letter to Jongup again talking about me being heartbroken about a crush. I used some lines I had in there for a poem that I posted up and I think is on SHL. That day I think I was also upset about other things. Anxiety caught up with me and I kinda escaped meeting people and skipped class. I think it was bad because I didn't really talk to anyone about it. I didn't tell anyone about how this person made me feel by something he didn't say to me. I still think that person is a good person, but he will never know how just a few harmless words totally wrecked me.

Anxiety hits hard.

You just kinda get swallowed up in your own head. You feel something wallowing up in your throat but what comes out is just heavy breathes for the times your heart didn't really feel like beating anymore. You try to get warmth from your own body and kinda prefer the dark over light. You would feel exposed and find comfort from not being seen. And sometimes you don't really feel like crying, but you think about someone else, someone who died or someone who's cutting themselves, someone who's suffering, like you, and the tears take over and you're not sure if you're crying for the right reasons.

You can't tell the voices "You're wrong. I'm worth something." You're listening to it and wondering if they're right, because they have all the receipts and you don't. You kinda forgot to bring them.

Fall 2016.

At first you try to be okay with it. And then you say it out loud and no one's hearing it like how you wanted it to be heard. And you notice that it's something you really can't tell anyone because they won't see what you see. They can't feel how you feel. And it kinda builds up and there are words that are said and words that aren't said and you remember how over a year ago you felt the same way. And probably because you haven't changed, things hadn't gotten better, there's still something wrong with you, that it happened again, if only, if only, if only someone would tell me what's wrong with me, why won't anyone choose me, why am I just here, why am I not something to someone, why am I still the last option?

what;s wrong with me?

please. i'm tired of feeling. take me away.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Dear Moon Jongup,

Oppa, it's tough, honestly. I still feel alone, even though I know I'm not and that many had gone through tougher times than me. I should be grateful for where I am now, today. About an hour or more ago I was dancing to Fly by GOT7; not because I'm good at dancing and do it often (actually I'm so bad at dancing I only do it at midnight when no one is watching. But the house we're renting in Tg Malim barely has anything so there's a lot of space for me to practice and it feels awesome) but because during the day I'm fasting so I can't exercise even though I want to. I talk a bit too much and walk too much by 6 I'd feel really dehydrated so I avoid unneccessary movements. I've only felt it recently but really my body isn't very fit so I'll do whatever exercise I can get for now. But wow, Fly is really hard. I mean I don't even dare challenge B.A.P's dancing (mostly because it's usually really manly and I hate big movements so Fly's cool, small gestures seems to fit my laziness most) but I really like dancing to Just Right and that'a usually easy and cute, but Fly made me sweat so much haha. Anyway it was good exercise.

I actually wanted to talk about my university preparations but there's a lot of unneccessary details and  it's keeping me awake at night. Some times I wonder if we could have done things sooner, but when I think about it, we've continuously been trying our best to get things to work and I'm almost succeeding, but not everything is ready for me alone on a silver plate. Of course there are a lot of other people out there who needs help more than I do, so I won't complain. I hope we all endure out challenges well. When I think about enduring, I start thinking about all those people who couldn't endure and end up taking their own life. I start crying whenever I listen to Nell's The Day Before because the music video showed Lee Minki committing suicide and his friend is recording him; sort of assisting him with his will. It's sad to think about all those people we can't help, especially our own friends. In the end, no matter how much we care for a person, in the end it is up to the person itself to endure all that pain. I learned that God doesn't give us challenges that he knows we can't endure, so it makes me stronger thinking that God believes in me to be stronger than the person I think I am. I hope you too endure well.

Pray that my university will reply to my email as soon as possible!
-Out

Saturday, February 20, 2016

to anak-anak arts, before we're even halfway through our last semester.

They say by the time one turns 20, they have lived enough to write.

I have less than 3 months left.

I got that quote from that movie Stuck In Love by the way, go ahead and watch it to catch who exactly 'they' is.
I'm typing this in a bus, and I find myself wanting to write at the oddest times like these, because I've been thinking, and there are things that i want to say, and i am alone with no one to say it to.

Today was the last day of a carnival that I participated in. I had fun, I felt a bunch of emotions, sometimes i regretted not saying anything, sometimes i regretted saying anything at all, and sometimes i'm glad i said what i did. I can't find a time i was glad i didn't say anything, and i'm not really sure if that's because it's very usual for me to not say anything or because the timing was just never on my side.

I made friends. I don't know if a lot of things will change but working together really helped our relationship.

I don't know. Maybe it's because (to me) friends from the same course will always feel like a competition somehow. When I should look at them as colleagues; someone I can share the burden with, someone who can help.

I like them. But the timing never seems right.

Or maybe people make things happen no matter what the timing and i'm just a coward.

(Or maybe i just hated it when she slapped you with a fan, talking in a loud high pitch voice, and made you laugh, or maybe i hate the fact that i know you looked at me, and maybe sometimes i look at you too, and you're just making this awkward stop, what are your intentions? I wish i knew so that i can stop hoping) (and coincidentally you made me laugh and i still hate you, or maybe i hate the fact that i like you)

I was thinking about how i had a great time, and that Amir (who has been helping a LOT), Radhii (who helped out when we were under handed), Nek, Qas (who both stopped by and supported us), and Hazwan (who barely helped at all but still) couldn't join the group photo in the end. And thinking about it made me feel sad and I thought to myself, i'm an emotional roller coaster. Events. Sometimes i wish they would never end.

I can't wait for us to go on a field trip. I hope we have one before we fly. I guess i found these people a bit too late and opened up myself to them too little. Anak-Anak Arts, you guys are like my second class. I probably will never forget you guys and the stuff we did together. I'm really glad. I don't know how else to say it. Of course, i'm not done yet, i wanna do more with you guys, so much more, and i'm just waiting, waiting, before our time in INTEC ends.

-Out.