Sunday, October 16, 2016

publicized.

So this is my 'main blog'. I don't write as often anymore and I'm going to give the excuse of not having time for it, although I do have time to watch videos on YouTube, play Love Live and sleep so there's the truth. But when you experience some stuff and you think it's something you have to write down so that you don't forget, here I am.

Spring - Summer 2015.

I wrote a letter to Jongup again talking about me being heartbroken about a crush. I used some lines I had in there for a poem that I posted up and I think is on SHL. That day I think I was also upset about other things. Anxiety caught up with me and I kinda escaped meeting people and skipped class. I think it was bad because I didn't really talk to anyone about it. I didn't tell anyone about how this person made me feel by something he didn't say to me. I still think that person is a good person, but he will never know how just a few harmless words totally wrecked me.

Anxiety hits hard.

You just kinda get swallowed up in your own head. You feel something wallowing up in your throat but what comes out is just heavy breathes for the times your heart didn't really feel like beating anymore. You try to get warmth from your own body and kinda prefer the dark over light. You would feel exposed and find comfort from not being seen. And sometimes you don't really feel like crying, but you think about someone else, someone who died or someone who's cutting themselves, someone who's suffering, like you, and the tears take over and you're not sure if you're crying for the right reasons.

You can't tell the voices "You're wrong. I'm worth something." You're listening to it and wondering if they're right, because they have all the receipts and you don't. You kinda forgot to bring them.

Fall 2016.

At first you try to be okay with it. And then you say it out loud and no one's hearing it like how you wanted it to be heard. And you notice that it's something you really can't tell anyone because they won't see what you see. They can't feel how you feel. And it kinda builds up and there are words that are said and words that aren't said and you remember how over a year ago you felt the same way. And probably because you haven't changed, things hadn't gotten better, there's still something wrong with you, that it happened again, if only, if only, if only someone would tell me what's wrong with me, why won't anyone choose me, why am I just here, why am I not something to someone, why am I still the last option?

what;s wrong with me?

please. i'm tired of feeling. take me away.